...yeah,I went thru this

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...yeah,I went thru this

From age 12 in 1958 till I graduated from Tustin High School in 1964 my mother was calling me to her bedroom. I was terrified of girls all that time. After graduation I was still terrified. Wondered if I was a momma's boy,queer,etc. In 1968 I met a guy on the Sunset Strip in LA. Said he was gay. Wanted to do the nasty with me. I figured this was Tinfoil's shot at finding out if he liked whangs. We went into a gas station men's room. He blew me. It did zilch. I gave him what I considered to be an A+ blow job. If you're going to do something,do it right. That's always been my motto. He loved it. Did nada for me. And that's how I found out I'm not gay. True story.
 
Tinfoil

I did something similar, going with a male prostitute just to see how it felt. Like you it did not do a lot for me and although I could bring myself to touch him it was an effort. Interestingly, I only did this after I had come to the point where I would have been just as happy whichever way it went - if I had still been worried about peoples reactions to me coming out then I probably would not have done it.

But despite now being quite sure of where I am sexually I still get occassional fantasies of gay sex, usually when I am especially turned on. I think this is to do with being turned on by being made to do things I really don't want to do. (No prizes for guessing wherethat came from!)

So I'm not confused anymore but there are occassional moments of confusion.

fenics
 
I go to great lengths not to be explicit. But in this case,an exception because I felt it was important as re sexual confusion. And it really did happen. I'm not making it up. The incident actually helped me. A lot. Same as when mom's incest went from implied to actual/physical. I had thought I was insane,imagining it all. Then she came into my bedroom,masturbated me. I realized I was'nt insane,that this was really happening.
 
from the age of 11 to 15 I was abused by a gang of older boys led by a teacher at boarding school, from the day they stopped I never had sex with another man- until..
The fantasy of sex with strange men became an obsession and eventually I started acting out until the inevitable happened when I was 46.
And it was exactly like my fantasy, I couldn't have scripted it better.
So imagine my confusion when it turned out to be the worst thing I had ever done in my life, I KNOW I aint gay now, but I have new fantasies, same sex acts with strange guys, but a different plot.
Whatever makes a guy gay it doesn't appear to be our varied experiences, even if a tiny part of our past lives keeps prodding us with a sharp stick and telling us "I know what you really want"
I've started to tell them to fuck off !
 
TO YOU ALL...
I HAVE READ A LOT OF STUFF HERE AND AM STILL HAVING A PROBLEM WITH MY SEX FANTASIES! I CAN'T STOP THINKING HOW GOOD IT FELT WHEN I DID IT WITH A GUY WHEN I WAS YOUNGER, BUT KNOW, BEING 55, I JUST SIT BACK AND REMEMBER HOW I FELT WHEN I WAS MOLESTED BY 3 GUYS MY FIRST TIME AT THE AGE OF 6 AND I SHUDDER TO THINK THAT I MIGHT HAVE THAT SAME FEELING TO DO THAT TO ANOTHER GUY...I GET SCARED WHEN THIS HAPPENS

I GUESS THATS WHEN REALITY TAKES OVER AND I GO IN FRONT OF THE MIRROR AND STRIP AND TELL MYSELF I'M NO GOOD...OH WELL, WHAT TO DO...
 
I'm waiting for the Japanese to come out with the first really good sex doll robots. I'd pay five grand for one. Damn right. Does'nt have to be Star Trek. Close will do.
You can order a guy one. I'll order my sister when she was 15 and I was 12. Arafat can order a camel. The Catholic Church will be buying these by the gross. The mind boggles..!!
 
I was trying to make a point with my last post. That there's more involved with sex than sticking a penis in a hole. Any hole human,animal,vegetable or mineral,male or female. From what I've read and heard about child molesters,other than screwing kids they're normal enough to function within society. These guys can't be cured. They can't be held in prison forever and they can't be executed. I'm wondering if providing these guys with an actual robotic child would satisfy their desires and protect society.
 
Sticking a penis in a hole without, love, care, affection, trust and all the other stuff that's considered desirable is just a physical action. And if that's what we learn at a tender age it appears that's what we're stuck with. And changing our attitudes and perceptions of sex seems just about impossible ( if I'm wrong - tell me -PLEASE )
So how hard is it to change the behaviour of offenders who don't want to change ?
Give them dolls ? It's the expensive option, let them fuck each others brains out- in jail - for life.
 
But it begs the question "Is this what it's all about,an orgasm?". I spent two years behind bars for drug possession during the late 60s/early 70s. I did'nt rape anyone. I whacked off. No-one got hurt. I had my orgasms,the fantasies were in Technicolor and no-one got hurt. A good time was had. Maybe it's cause I was born in 1946 from a different era and all that. But I think the guys nowadays who fuck children are pathetic. They've got fucked up brains. They're into this New Age bullshit that excuses and justifies their wants. Well hey ya know it's not their fault. They had a bad childhood. Poor babies!

[ May 01, 2002: Message edited by: Tinfoil ]
 
Orgasm isn't the only pleasure out there, but good ones are great !
The sadness is that most are a struggle, either doing it myself or making love with my wife, nearly all my sex is overshadowed by my abusers even after 32 years. Either their faces laughing at me, or a fantasy they left me with hovering over me.
I understand the mechanics of their legacy now, but I haven't overcome it. I've tried the fantasy and didn't like it.
I guess keeping a fantasy in your head probably isn't such a bad thing, but just how tough is it to keep it there and resist acting out ? Too tough for me that's for sure. If people want to fuck goats in their minds I don't care, act out and I'm on the goats defence !
The thought that just for the choice of the theme my fantasies take, I could have been fucking goats, or worse, scares the shit out of me.
That's some fucking fine line !!!
 
In my case it drove me fuckin nuts having my mother's face flash into consciousness each time I approached orgasm. I was 24 years old in 1970 when a hippie girl at Laguna Beach,Calif finnally took pity on me. We both dropped acid and had intercourse. The explosion of colours was magnificant. After that,everytime I approached orgasm mom's visiage would appear just before orgasm and my dick went limp. Reached the point where I screamed obscenities at the bitch. I finnally cured it by WANTING mom's visiage. Figured why fight it? Mom's face would pop into existence,I'd ask "Hey mom don't fret it. I'll do you after I cum in this twat. You're the best,mom. I love you". She always felt threatened if I got anywhere NEAR girls. That was,gosh,I don't know how many decades ago. She still comes back once in awhile though she died on Sept 4th,1994. I gave up sex with humans at age 38 in,um,1984. Been whacking my pud ever since. I have a pile of those "Over 50" sex mags filled with porno photos of women that look just like mom. I whack off to the photos remembering the "good ol days". So like I'm gonna see a shrink,right? And get this all cleared up. Naw I don't think so. Just to even things out I have a pile of "Barely Legal" mags. The girls look just like my older sister. There's a story here but I'm not telling. Life is good..!!
 
Be cool Tinfoil, I'm off playing with my 4x4 for the weekend, ( cheap thrills ! )
Lloydy :D
 
I'll bet you're driving a Land Rover. I'm planning to move to https://www.mexonline.com/felipe.htm
shortly. Actually,south of San Felipe. Probably Laguna Percebu. My present vehical is a near-new Suzuki Samuri 4-wheeler. Will upgrade to a Jeep Wrangler-type plus Honda ATC. Location's out in the boondocks in one of the most-remote locations on the planet. Will have satellite internet ISP powered by solar panels & batteries plus gas generator for when the sun does'nt shine. I've spent decades exploring the vast wildnernesses of northern Baja illegally excavating ancient indian village sites. Ti Pai,Pai Pai,Cocopah,Seri,etc. And no I don't sell the artifacts for gawdsake. I preserve them for future generations. There IS lost Spanish treasure in Baja. Gold,silver,pearls. If I find it,it's mine. The Mexican government can jolly well gargle my whang.

[ May 03, 2002: Message edited by: Tinfoil ]

[ May 03, 2002: Message edited by: Tinfoil ]
 
Tinfoil
I've had RangeRovers but got fed up waiting for tow trucks ! Now it's a battered old Landcruiser.
But for the REAL off roading I use a home built special for serious competition trialling, which is where I've been this weekend, running a three day event at a disused lead mine in Wales.
And it's the greatest distraction and relaxation I have found, it's bloody hard work but it takes me away from my past.
I was just washing the crap off in the shower and thinking how free my weekend had been from flashbacks and fantasies, which was bliss.
Trialling has given me an awful lot, it still scares the shit out of me when I do multiple rolls down a mountainside ( I'll get the hang of it one day ! ) but overcoming the fear to drive flat out up a near vertical wall of loose stones has helped me overcome my other fears.
And becoming involved in a club, I edit / write the newsletter and all manner of other jobs,has given me the confidence to deal with other people and not feel I am about to be shafted by them. To organize this weekend I have dealt with site owners, drivers, toilet rental, catering, stupid spectators, cows on the track and all kinds of crap, ending up today with presenting prizes to the victorious drivers.
All this wasn't possible 10 years ago, I would have hired one toilet and ten catering trucks and driven the cows, and the prizegiving would still be going on now because I stammered so badly.
I put a lot into our club because I get a lot out, insane weekends and my sanity !

PS
I love deserts as well, and I have been lucky enough to have spent two vacations in the SW USA. Off roading based in Moab naturally.
And I have a horror story of wrecking a rental Jeep Cherokee in the desert near Escalante that nearly killed my wife and I, we were only rescued by sheer chance.
This episode also gives me nightmares and flashbacks. So how come I dont see a shrink about them ? ;)
 
PPS
San Felipe looks cool, enjoy the sunshine- spoil yourself. :cool:
 
I was wondering about 4-wheeling in England. Not to sound like a stupid American but where can you go,the Cliffs of Dover? I did'nt think there was much 4-wheeling room left in England. Moab's nice but the local religion's a little strange. I notice the ads for room/house rentals all read "MUST HAVE LDS STANDARDS". I think that means ya gotta have 12 wives and at least one of them must be your sister. Heh,heh. Oh those Mormons! Manti's nice,too. Especially the mountain range rising behind it. And yes,to do these things in lovely natural wildernesses makes "it" stop for awhile. I will leave for Baja,Mexico just after June 1st. I'll go thru Calexico/Mexicali to San Felipe. Then down to Puertocitas. From there it's Dirt & Hell all the way to Gonzaga Bay. Puertocitas has volcanic hot springs by the seashore that fill with water at high tide. I like to sit in them drinking ice cold Mexican beer,naked,while multicolored tropical fish swim around my submerged body. There are bright yellow fish,irridescent blue,red and neon-green ones. Reminds me of the 60s. Life is good!

[ May 06, 2002: Message edited by: Tinfoil ]
 
well we aint got huge areas of wilderness to 4x4 in so the hardcore fringe tend to do competitive stuff and take it to the limit. This weekend as the idiot in charge I managed to get 4 good multiple rolls and about a 30% breakage rate on the motors !!
But there are some fabulous drives still left that you could drive a tidy RangeRover through without any serious damage, if any, but the greenies are are on our case.
The Mormons don't bother me too much, we were rescued by a couple who I have no doubt were Mormons and their kindness and hospitality will be with us forever. I never get the impression they are pushing their religion, and if thats what it takes for them to be a decent person who am I to criticise ? But the moment a Jehovas witness knocks on the door I grow horns, when I want religion I know where to find it. The school where I was abused had a deeply relegious culture and I left there a confirmed heathen.
The rock pool sounds soooooo good, crack open another beer for me and the guys when you get there.
:D
 
I've got a fundamentalist evangelical born-again Christian on my ass right now. I told him several years ago that I was horrifically sexually abused by my own mother. Instantly he tagged me as a vulnerable potential convert to his hillbilly snake oil religion. These people figure if you're weak enough to get fucked once that a #2 fucking is in order. Did'nt work with me. I've got my asshole sealed with roofing cement.
 
we all have our specialist radars I guess ? ;)
 
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