Ya gotta love realizations!

During my mini-vacation, I had time to relax and just let my mind wander. And I hit another realization about my being gay and why I used to have such a problem with it.

It's two-fold. My stepdad was my first perp, but he was also a devout Mormon. And we constantly heard about the evils of homosexuality, so that confused me with his devoutness and what was happening.

The final abuser was the only one I remember responding to physically, as far as being sexually excited with requisite erection, etc. And because I was gay, I assumed that it was my fault.

Then it dawned on me. That experience is no different than a straight boy reacts to a female perp. So it's the same thing.

Now I can see him for what he was. Regardless of my sexuality, he was a perp who had no right to do what he did. And I do not have to feel guilty that I responded to the stimulation!

Gotta love it!

Marc

 

[Ivo]

Yes, Marc he was that and nothing more. Just one mean, selfish perp.

I also wanted to find why is being gay so depressing me when it is obvious that I am.
One of the reasons for such situation is my catholic heritage and good catholic/Christian is not supposed to be gay .
Other thing is that strongest sexual experience that I remember happened during sex with my perp. That is the reason why I feel shame, confusion and guilt about sex.

At the moment I am on healing way from this blind road in a way that I am accepting the fact that I am gay. I distinguished that my perp didn't make me to be gay even if he is somehow related to sexual awareness of myself. But he did make me to be very shameful, anxious, distrusted and isolated especially with sex issues.

And as religious is concerned I honestly can not believe anymore that I will go straight to hell just because I am gay.

Ivo

 

[David1010]

Part of the abuse lies in the perps making the abused believe it's their fault. We as gay men are made feel guilty because our bodies respond to sexual stimulation when we were abused. They use our natural body response to stimuli to make us believe that "we liked it" or "we asked for it".

To make matters worse, then there are all these societal views on homosexuality where we are portrayed ad something we are not. Furthermore, though it has changed during the last years, the way the media portray us (including the so-called gay media), doesn't help gay men and women that are trying to define and come to terms with their sexual orientation with a good image.

When defining my sexuality, part of my crisis was that I felt I was being put in the same category many other gay men and women I knew were (not people I would particularily like). I knew I wasn't any of that, but I thought that I was supposed to live or act like they were, just because I am gay too. It was with time that I was able to detach who I am from what all those abusive people and institutions were trying me to believe I am.

Also bear in mind that there are a lot of heterosexual men that were also abused and their sexuality remains the same. I don't think sexual abuse "converts" you or "makes" any of us gay. That's just another excuse for perps to perpetuate shame and blame abuse on the victim.

 

[Aden]

I am still very conflicted about this issue. My abuse started when I was nine and at the same time as puberty was setting in. I can't help but wonder, if I had been left alone to develope without that influance, would I be gay?

Three years of sex with my older step-brother from age 9-12 combined with the now famous "Catholic Guilt Trip" and I just don't know. I cannot shake the idea that sexuality is at least in part determined by social "inprinting." I think that I'd have been less confused if I had an answer. But I am what I am and not looking for a change at this late point in life.

Aden

 

[MrDon]

I once was told by someone who works with male survivors when I asked the question, does being abused by a man make you gay:

The response was, it does not make you any more gay than being abused by a woman makes you heterosexual.

I've always remembered that one because it makes very good sense to me.

Don

 

[Brayton]

I thought that for a long, long time, too, about my first post-pubescent abuse experience.

I felt like it was my fault, that I had 'made myself available.'

I even felt responsible for his violent anger towards me when I didn't know exactly what he wanted me to do.

(Felt 'stupid' as well as guilty.)