Aden,
You have a great point, too many people use to much energy dwelling on the pain. What I'm looking to do is fix the results of the abuse. I knew the abuse happened at the hands of 2 and now today I realize perhaps 3 people. It was in the past, nothing I could do would change the past. I wasn't angry because I figured it was because I was gay or bi and it was already apparent on these guys "gaydar" even at age 5. What I didn't know was that it caused so many issues in my life.
As long as I can remember I've felt worthless and suicidal. I've acted out in ways that made me think I was a sexual deviant. I hated sex with men but continued to do it. Of course this only fed my distain for myself. I rarely had any close relationships because I always kept others at arms length. I felt unlovable and though I longed for friendship and love I didn't trust anyone who tried to be my friend. I always looked for the negative first because I needed to determine if and how painfully I could be hurt. I pretty much hated everything about myself.
Strangely, I only survived to age 30 because of the emotional abuse / abandonment issues with my mother and father. I couldn't kill myself because that would have been the ultimate disappointment to my mother. So I lived in the hell of hating myself so as not to disappoint the Goddess.
I started acting out freshman year in high school by using drugs, alcohol, smoking, and sex. I managed to limit my acting out to the sex which I kept hidden, the drinking which I kept under control, and the smoking which was out of control from day one and continues to this day. Much to the SHOCK of my entire family I forced myself to finish high school, college, and even graduate school. This I did in an attempt to make my father proud. He eventually told me he was proud when I became a CPA; something he always wanted to be. Of course I was 32 at that point so I must have been a piece of crap before then because he couldn't find anything good about me.
I was 30 when my first son was born. From then on, it was my love for my kids and of course my love for my wife that kept me going, kept me from killing myself, and kept my acting out under control. While I still hated myself and still wanted to kill myself, I couldn't because of them.
So, using the power of my mind I just accepted that I must be bisexual even though sex with men always made me feel like dirt. I didn't understand the attraction to them but I just figured it was something I needed to live with. I was sometimes able to manage pride in my academic and professional accomplishments but this pride was short lived. Jeez, I have a masters degree in tax, Im a CPA, I have a great job, a great salary, a big house; I'm even an adjunct professor at a local university in my spare time. I should be able to be proud of myself. Just that pride is very brief.
I figured that building the emotional walls was something I just did and couldn't control or stop. For those whom I let through the wall, I went out of my way to do anything they wanted in order to "guarantee" that I would be loved. I put everyones needs above my own but hey, I figured I was a piece of crap anyway and if they loved me for what I did not for who I was, what harm could it do as long as they loved me.
I honored my mother by keeping the family together because Im the responsible party
Recently I started acting out again because I was feeling a strain on my marriage. As it turns out, my wife had checked out on me about 2 years ago but kept her feelings hidden. And since I couldnt have an emotionally intimate relationship our communication was quite poor. She became addicted to the internet and fell in love with someone she met in a chat room. She thinks its quite ironic that Ive turned to the internet for help.
Although I wanted to go to therapy, it took the realization that my marriage had fallen apart to get me off my arse and make the call.
It's only been 2 weeks that I've been dealing with the realization that the CSA had been a major cause of my issues. Now after reading Abused Boys and reading all the posts on this board I know I'm not alone. I know I'm not weird or a sexual deviant. Most of all, since I know the cause of all the baggage, I know I can fix it. And that's what I do, I fix. Its going to take time but Ill do it.
I never thought of myself as a victim before. I DON'T like thinking of myself as that now. No offence but I don't particularly like thinking of myself as a survivor either. In my opinion, thinking of myself as a survivor will give the SA continued life. I want it to die. I want to address it and move on. But for now, Ill be a survivor.
Sure I'm PISSED that I was robbed of a good portion of what should have been a happy life. I'm living in that anger now and I'm already pretty tired of it. I have enough baggage weighing me down without anger. Ive never been one to hold on to anger so Im looking forward to getting past it.
I was actually quite happy and laughing last night. I had told my wife about the SA 2 weeks ago and last night I was physically intimate with her for the first time since I told her about "IT". I had the best sex I've had with her in 12 years. Not that the sex was anything extraordinary but I had never been more relaxed. Last night I was somehow able to drop all the crap that I had been carrying for so long. I felt free and comfortable.
My goal is not just to be a survivor because, as I said, being a survivor still gives "IT" life. My goal is to get over it; to move forward. Yes, damn it, it will always be there as part of my past. Im sure Ill be battling myself constantly to reverse the damage. But I'll never hide it again! Well except perhaps from my parents. It didn't involve them, and God, I can't talk about normal sex with them I'd never be able to tell them the other things that have been "going on" in my life. Theyre both 80. They wont be around long. Ill just put them as the last people on earth I tell.
But I've told my wife, one co-worker, one friend, and my sister. Some got all the details others got very little but not one told me I deserved it. Not one told me it was my fault. I wont be running an ad in the Boston Globe but I'll continue to tell if the moment arises and Ill tell if I need to share. Anyone who gives me any crap can go to hell because I didn't do it. I didnt want it. And I didnt choose it. I lived with it, I dealt with it and with Gods help and the help of those closest to me, I'll move past it.
I've only been reading this board for a week and I already feel such a great connection to everyone on here. Thank you all for sharing your stories and your feelings. Please feel free to lean on me if you need to. Im actually pretty strong.
Dave
PS, Please also feel free to remind me of this post if you see me being too negative.
