Wrote my story

Wrote my story
T

The Seeker

Registrant
I wrote and posted my story, and actually let a tear go. I am not sure how I feel now. Part of me is almost excited, and part of me feels like I got hit by a truck.

I can't believe I finally did it though. Feels like my heart might stop and my arms are made of rubber.
 
Seeker,

I'm glad you felt the strength to write and post your story here. It takes a tremendous amount of courage to do that, and I think everyone here recognizes that. Personally, I can relate to a lot of your own story, as I was abused by an older brother who was a year older than me, and I also had an abusive father. A lot of the pain I read in your story was unfortunately very familiar. Your strength is inspiring for all here.
 
Thanks EGL. I took time in chat to busy my mind afterward and get some support. On reflection, somehow by letting that go, I feel more whole. More real than ever before. BUT STILL A BIT FREAKED OUT. :) :rolleyes: :mad: :eek: :)
 
John,

I read your story and was very moved by it. Every kid needs and deserves to feel loved and wanted, and it is such a tragedy when it ends like this.

I felt much the same when I was writing my own survivor story, and I wondered why I was reacting in such an extreme way. I guess writing it all down triggers a lot of feelings in us. It makes us focus on what we think the whole thing meant to us and why it was happening.

But at the end of the day I felt, like you, that it was a positive experience. Perhaps because it means we are taking control and asserting our right to speak out. One thing that I could clearly see in mine was the fact that these were all things happening to a child. They couldn't possibly be my fault, and the fact that I have difficulty believing that just shows me some areas I have to work on.

Take care,
Larry
 
Roadrunner,

Thanks for the support. I have been busy and away from MS since I wrote my story. I feel much better about it now, quite good in fact. I can't wait to see my T and tell him I did it. I feel those walls in my head and heart slowly crumbling, and my shell cracking. One day soon, I will be a complete person again.

Thanks to all you guys on chat the night I wrote my story and posted it, and for helping me remember to breathe. You guys are great!
 
John,

You are most welcome, but two points:

It isn't all high points and exhileration, of course. Experiences like coming here and discovering that you aren't alone, that you are believed, that you can speak up and post your story - it's almost euphoric after sitting in confusion and doubt for so long. But bear in mind that there's ALWAYS a lot of hard work that remains. The breakthrough isn't a breakthrough unless it is exploited. Find your way, your focus; go for it and bust up the obstacles along the way. It's your time now.

The other is this: We all help each other here, but at the end it is down to each of us how things go from here. Recovery isn't a goal, it's an attitude, a path. You nailed it already in your signature line: "The answers are in me".

Take care,
Larry
 
Good job on the story, John. I could identify with the betrayal that you were handed from your friend. It can feel so lonely, so isolating, so all alone.
You're here, now. I hope that it becomes a place where you feel safe. I guess you already have, to some extent, after all you did post your story. Amazing, huh, what a burden that can be lifted from your shoulders.
Welcome, John, welcome.

David
 
Thanks Larry and David. You can trust me when I say I know this a rollercoaster ride. I have been with my T coming up on a year, and my last visit was the first time I ever left without feeling completely wiped out. I actually felt good and invigorated. The T is the coolest, and closely associated to MS which is how I found him. I try to take at least a little step each day. I have reread my own story twice now. The first time, my heart felt liked it stopped. The second it was easier. I think that means I am getting a little better each day and each time I allow myself to experience those feelings honestly. So, I am hopeful, but cautious. I don't emote much, so I am still afraid to fly too high for fear of falling, but once I started feeling (up and down) at first I had trouble controlling the ride. Now, I am more even and opening up inch by inch. Thank God for the T!
 
I am back for my occasional visit and looking back at my posts. It seems like a lifetime ago because it is one. I am so much better. Time and effort heal. The funny (ironic) thing is how my experiences stopped holding me back and actually made me stronger. When I would face tough problems or adult bullies, I just remembered all the things I had survived and how strong I was. Those people and those problems didn’t have a chance against me. I laughed at them for not realizing who they were dealing with. It’s funny that just as abusers can spot a target, they can spot someone that will look them in the eye and let them know they are really powerless - sometimes without a word. Boy are they cowards at their core! I am still on my journey, and the answers continue to be in me. Once I learned to control my mind, that I got to choose how to deal and how to feel, I started taking better care of myself and this surprise thing called compassion burst into my life. Now, I am joyful each day I wake up. Once I stopped labeling things good or bad and just accepted things as they are, I felt completely free. I learned that there is me, and there is the stuff of life which is not me. It is just stuff. I am free to feel about it any way I want, so I choose to feel happy. Negative things and feelings are experienced and fall away. They don’t rule me and neither do the positive feelings. They are just experiences added to other experiences that make up my reality here now. I am not subject to their whims, I am their master. I find it funny when others tell me how I should feel about something, especially when they promote anger and hate. That just makes us sick inside, and the other people generally don’t care. I’d rather not beat myself up over the shortcomings of others. They don’t have power over me, and I needn’t go down that road anymore. The world can seem crazy, but the world is actually a beautiful place when I take time to notice it, which I do often. Life finds a way to move on and continue. I don’t try to control the world or other people, I learned to just be. The other funny thing is I feel weird now because almost everyone else seems to be miserable or chasing happiness, and I know it’s in them just as it is in me. The answers were always there and continue to be for me. The universe is a constantly expanding enormous thing, and I am but a speck of dust by comparison. But I am a happy speck that enjoys my tiny corner of this giant universe. Life is beautiful. We are beautiful at our core, and nothing and nobody can change that unless we let them. When I hear kids in uncontrollable fits of laughter, I know it’s all going to be just fine. Not sunny every day, not unicorns and fairy dust, just life in all its forms. Even when it’s rainy, I can be sunny, but I actually like the rain too. It’s all necessary and part of the balance of things - of life. Every day I pray for all of those boys, and girls, like me and hope they find the path to this place. I hope they find joy, and strength, and their own goodness, and even peace.

Small but mighty by every measure even without knowing it. Even when I couldn’t see it, it was there inside me just waiting to be discovered.

Shockingly, I had the best relationship with my once scary father in the years before he died. He actually apologized for his part, as did I, and we had the best time ever sitting and often talking for hours - like real people. Best of all, he died happy. He was as scared as I was during my childhood which he let rule his behavior, but he too found his way and lost all that fear. When the fear left, his anger followed it out the door, and he got better. Now that is a miracle in my book. Underneath all that mess was a really great person who I got to know and love. Everything since that point is just icing on the cake. I wouldn’t trade my life for any other, and if it was easy, I wouldn’t appreciate it as much.

Thank you MS for helping me start a new path to a place I never imaged existed.

I am The Seeker - and I am John - and I am happy.
 
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Congratulations on reconciling with your father, and on getting an apology from him. That is a miracle. I have never gotten an apology from anyone who hurt me, so my path is going to be different. I know many others are in that boat too. It must be great though to get any kind of apology or reconciliation.

- Chris
 
Great work Seeker :) Continue to enjoy your journey and thanks for this fresh perspective on things.
 
I never imagined that would happen. Thus, my shock. I wish everyone could get that kind of closure, but you are right in that most do not. I was speechless to the point it got uncomfortable, until I realized it wasn’t a dream.
 
The Seeker said:
Thanks OCN! I feel like anyone can do it if I can do it.
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I can already notice the difference compared to 5 years ago. So i do feel that positive change is possible. And tangible :)
 
It can be a slow process sometimes - peaks and valleys. It’s was a big deal to realize that for one day I never thought about being abused or felt “odd” around others. It was a small thing that felt really big that day. Just keep going forward.
 
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