Wrote a letter to my assaulter..
onefastbike
Registrant
Some feedback please...
Keith,
I am sure you remember me Keith. My name is Ken ******. I am one of the boys that you assaulted.
I guess I'm not much of a boy any more. I'm 35 now and up until a few days ago I thought I had dealt with and buried what you had done to me. I was sure I had moved on.
A VERY small part of me feel I need to thank you for doing what you did to me. You turned me in to the man I am today. (on reflection maybe that isn't such a great thing).
Because of you Keith I became obsessed with the martial arts and ended up earning black belts in 3 different disciplines. I am also a member of the Black Arts Society. Out of shame I dropped out of high school and joined the military. I was truly on a mission to prove that I was a man. That I didn't enjoy what you did to me, and to make sure no one could ever exert that type of control over me again. I won't get in to the specifics of my training but I did end up with the Special Service Force stationed at Petawawa.
I remember the confusion I felt when the Police showed up at my door to question me about you. I denied everything for hours. I finally realized that they were not going to go away until I told them something, so I only told them of 2 of the incidents. The rest I managed to block from my memory. I went to court trying to protect you. Still believing you were my friend. You were the first male role model in my life to ever show in interest in me. To ever show me any sort of approval. I hated you for what you were doing to me, but I loved you as a mentor, a friend.
It wasn't until a couple of years later the reality of what you had done to me sank in. The shame, pain, anguish, the loss of the ability to trust.
I haven't been able to maintain a true friendship or romance fr all of my adult life because of what YOU did you me. What you stole from me. If the person who you trust the most could do that to you....
So I have suffered through superficial friendships and relationships, totally fearful to ever let anyone in. Luckily I recognized what I was doing and am working very hard at correcting my trust issues.
So I guess you are wondering why I am writing to you after so many years, and to tell you the truth I am not sure why myself. I came across an article in the Spectator that had your name in it and it pushed me over my emotional edge. Memories I had suppressed for so many years came flooding back. Remember the sauna Keith?
I will be honest with you. The thought of grabbing you by the throat and inflicting the terror on you that you did to me has given me comfort over the years. Knowing that I knew where you worked. Knowing that I could end your life at any time chose was comforting. Knowing that I could make you feel like you made me (and others feel), and knowing that I could exert the same level of control over you as you did to me is what has allowed me to sleep at night for so many years.
I now realize that by even thinking that I am still giving you power over me. That I am still allowing you to control me. Every time I think about you it is another victory for you. Sadly though I can't help it. Up until a year ago I had nightmares about you. So you see Keith you are still in me. In my head.
There is still so much that I don't understand. Why did you do what you did?. Did you not ever think that we (your victims) would ever grow up and seek to confront you? To seek our pound of flesh even?. Or were you planning on killing us? I don't know. I can't get my head around it and it drives me nuts.
I spent years of my life honing my skills and becoming as lethal as I humanly could. I am an expert marksman, skilled with explosives, and able to deliver lethal blows with my hands. Did it never cross your mind that one of your victims would evolve in to a man?
I guess if I were any less of a man, or any less disciplined I would have paid you a visit years ago. I admit that the odd time in the middle of the night when i wake up sweating from another nightmare the temptation is there. The desire to smell fear oozing out of your pores. To watch your pupils dilate with fear. To control you as you have controlled so many others.
When I read in the paper that you were the V.P. of your union I was filled with rage. I was overcome with outrage that you were able to go on with your life while I am missing a part of mine. I am disgusted that you are allowed to breath the same air that I do.
I want back what to took from me Keith. I want my childhood, my innocence, my trust, my ability to enjoy life like I once did.
Can you give that back to me? No. I know that you can't. It must give you some level of satisfaction that just reading your name can evoke this kind of emotional response from me. Satisfaction is the last thing i want you to feel Keith.
So what do you feel? How can you explain to me the things that you did to me in a way that I can understand them them? In a way that will allow me to forget you an move on with my life?
I doubt that I will ever be able to forgive you for what you did, but I would be very happy with forget.
So tell me Keith. Fill me in.
[email protected]
I do not want to hear anything in the ways of denials from you Keith. We BOTH know what you did (we were both there). I do expect some sort of response, but denials will just piss me off and to tell you the truth you have used up all the goodwill I have left.
Ken
Keith,
I am sure you remember me Keith. My name is Ken ******. I am one of the boys that you assaulted.
I guess I'm not much of a boy any more. I'm 35 now and up until a few days ago I thought I had dealt with and buried what you had done to me. I was sure I had moved on.
A VERY small part of me feel I need to thank you for doing what you did to me. You turned me in to the man I am today. (on reflection maybe that isn't such a great thing).
Because of you Keith I became obsessed with the martial arts and ended up earning black belts in 3 different disciplines. I am also a member of the Black Arts Society. Out of shame I dropped out of high school and joined the military. I was truly on a mission to prove that I was a man. That I didn't enjoy what you did to me, and to make sure no one could ever exert that type of control over me again. I won't get in to the specifics of my training but I did end up with the Special Service Force stationed at Petawawa.
I remember the confusion I felt when the Police showed up at my door to question me about you. I denied everything for hours. I finally realized that they were not going to go away until I told them something, so I only told them of 2 of the incidents. The rest I managed to block from my memory. I went to court trying to protect you. Still believing you were my friend. You were the first male role model in my life to ever show in interest in me. To ever show me any sort of approval. I hated you for what you were doing to me, but I loved you as a mentor, a friend.
It wasn't until a couple of years later the reality of what you had done to me sank in. The shame, pain, anguish, the loss of the ability to trust.
I haven't been able to maintain a true friendship or romance fr all of my adult life because of what YOU did you me. What you stole from me. If the person who you trust the most could do that to you....
So I have suffered through superficial friendships and relationships, totally fearful to ever let anyone in. Luckily I recognized what I was doing and am working very hard at correcting my trust issues.
So I guess you are wondering why I am writing to you after so many years, and to tell you the truth I am not sure why myself. I came across an article in the Spectator that had your name in it and it pushed me over my emotional edge. Memories I had suppressed for so many years came flooding back. Remember the sauna Keith?
I will be honest with you. The thought of grabbing you by the throat and inflicting the terror on you that you did to me has given me comfort over the years. Knowing that I knew where you worked. Knowing that I could end your life at any time chose was comforting. Knowing that I could make you feel like you made me (and others feel), and knowing that I could exert the same level of control over you as you did to me is what has allowed me to sleep at night for so many years.
I now realize that by even thinking that I am still giving you power over me. That I am still allowing you to control me. Every time I think about you it is another victory for you. Sadly though I can't help it. Up until a year ago I had nightmares about you. So you see Keith you are still in me. In my head.
There is still so much that I don't understand. Why did you do what you did?. Did you not ever think that we (your victims) would ever grow up and seek to confront you? To seek our pound of flesh even?. Or were you planning on killing us? I don't know. I can't get my head around it and it drives me nuts.
I spent years of my life honing my skills and becoming as lethal as I humanly could. I am an expert marksman, skilled with explosives, and able to deliver lethal blows with my hands. Did it never cross your mind that one of your victims would evolve in to a man?
I guess if I were any less of a man, or any less disciplined I would have paid you a visit years ago. I admit that the odd time in the middle of the night when i wake up sweating from another nightmare the temptation is there. The desire to smell fear oozing out of your pores. To watch your pupils dilate with fear. To control you as you have controlled so many others.
When I read in the paper that you were the V.P. of your union I was filled with rage. I was overcome with outrage that you were able to go on with your life while I am missing a part of mine. I am disgusted that you are allowed to breath the same air that I do.
I want back what to took from me Keith. I want my childhood, my innocence, my trust, my ability to enjoy life like I once did.
Can you give that back to me? No. I know that you can't. It must give you some level of satisfaction that just reading your name can evoke this kind of emotional response from me. Satisfaction is the last thing i want you to feel Keith.
So what do you feel? How can you explain to me the things that you did to me in a way that I can understand them them? In a way that will allow me to forget you an move on with my life?
I doubt that I will ever be able to forgive you for what you did, but I would be very happy with forget.
So tell me Keith. Fill me in.
[email protected]
I do not want to hear anything in the ways of denials from you Keith. We BOTH know what you did (we were both there). I do expect some sort of response, but denials will just piss me off and to tell you the truth you have used up all the goodwill I have left.
Ken
