WOW! Totally shocked... Help!
Here goes...
I met a wonderful guy a week and a half ago. We totally hit it off and I feel like I connected with him more than I have with a person in a long time. One our first date, we were doing the "getting to know you" routine that first daters do. I inquired about his family and if his parent were still together. He said they had been divorced several years and that his father was "out of the picture" and that he was "not a good man". Realizing of course that this was an obvious sore spot, I let it go figuring it was a little much for a first date.
Fast forward to this last weekend. We, for our forth date, decide to go to Lake Powell - BOTH of our favorite places on earth. We both have boats, love Powell, and so many other common interests. (see why I am already calling him wonderful and I went with him on a weekend trip on my boat after date 3??? Awesome connection, at least for me, I hope for him as well.)
Friday we drive the 5 hour trip down and talk talk talk... We get down there late and end up just crashing. And then Saturday night, after a long glorious day on the lake, we find a great camp spot up a canyon and make camp. I am grilling chicken on the camp stove and boiling corn on the cob, we are having a few cocktails when I ask the loaded question.
"So, when I ask you about your father, you said "yadda, yadda, yadda" - and I was just wondering if you wanted to tell me a little more about why you said that."
His answer... "He is a pedophile."
WOW. I wasn't expecting that. He obviously was confiding in me and I felt honored that he trusted me enough to want to talk about it with me. I opened up and listened while he unloaded, and I just wanted to cry for him.
He started being abused when he was 9 - and it went on until he was 15. Once his mom found out, she divorced him immediately. The reason why it became known is that cousins started coming forward. His dad went to a "program" where he wrote letters to my guy telling him that "he was so sorry, and that this would never happen again - to anyone"
So a few years went by and I guess there was an issue of a boy coming forward in the community. I guess his father was loved by the people of the community and I didn't really go anywhere. This, in addition to everything else and what he went through, was I guess why after over 15 years, my friend decided to put his father in jail.
2 years ago he went through everything all over again and pressed charges and ended up having everything taken away from him and putting him behind bars. My friend was able to pick the sentence and he picked 5 years. He didn't want him to die behind bars, but thinks that he is so old now that even when he gets out, he will not be in any condition to pull something like this off, even if he had the desire.
He said something to me that I didn't know how to take. Like he felt wrong because HE allowed it to go on until he was 15. Almost like I would be wondering how a 15 year old would allow that - that he would be old enough at that point to say no. And hell, I HAVE NO IDEA what ANY of this might be like for a child or adolescent, so I am not thinking that. But when he said that I just wanted to cry even more.
He also said that when he was talking to his lawyer, the lawyer asked him "why didn't you stop it" - and my friend after thinking and thinking, just said "I didn't know how."
AAAHHHHHHH! I am tearing up just typing this. It makes me so angry and sad to think this is what was going through the mind of a boy - A CHILD - for 6 years of his life while a person he looked up to VIOLATED him.
So here we are today... I can't stop thinking about it. I have been googling and googling and googling the subject of "adult males sexually abused as children". I just want to understand more. I want to be sensitive to his privacy and potential "issues" that I don't have any clue about, but at the same time be there for him in anyway I can...
I am here looking for suggestions on what I can do, what I shouldn't do/say when going into what could possibly be a serious relationship with this incredible man. And I am also here to better understand how this CAN HAPPEN? And how you all are so strong! He told me he has been through a ton of therapy - so I know he is not burying it... But still... I just want to be more educated on everything I can.
OH! One other thing... We met on an online dating site (sssush, I am glad I did it now
) and one of the questions was "want children" and he answered "don't know". So that was something that was brought up on one of our dates before this trip... So after he told me all about what happened, I asked him if because of this, if he was afraid to have children. He said yes. That he is afraid because they suspected that his fathers, father had abused HIM, and that sacred him. That sometimes he will look at someone, around the age he was and think that he/she was good looking - and then stop himself and question whether he should be thinking that. When it was probably the same thought any non SA person would think if they saw a hansom/beautiful boy/girl.
OOHHH!!!! It aggravates me that someone would have to think like that. Always question their thoughts.
HELP!
My mind is racing!
I met a wonderful guy a week and a half ago. We totally hit it off and I feel like I connected with him more than I have with a person in a long time. One our first date, we were doing the "getting to know you" routine that first daters do. I inquired about his family and if his parent were still together. He said they had been divorced several years and that his father was "out of the picture" and that he was "not a good man". Realizing of course that this was an obvious sore spot, I let it go figuring it was a little much for a first date.
Fast forward to this last weekend. We, for our forth date, decide to go to Lake Powell - BOTH of our favorite places on earth. We both have boats, love Powell, and so many other common interests. (see why I am already calling him wonderful and I went with him on a weekend trip on my boat after date 3??? Awesome connection, at least for me, I hope for him as well.)
Friday we drive the 5 hour trip down and talk talk talk... We get down there late and end up just crashing. And then Saturday night, after a long glorious day on the lake, we find a great camp spot up a canyon and make camp. I am grilling chicken on the camp stove and boiling corn on the cob, we are having a few cocktails when I ask the loaded question.
"So, when I ask you about your father, you said "yadda, yadda, yadda" - and I was just wondering if you wanted to tell me a little more about why you said that."
His answer... "He is a pedophile."
WOW. I wasn't expecting that. He obviously was confiding in me and I felt honored that he trusted me enough to want to talk about it with me. I opened up and listened while he unloaded, and I just wanted to cry for him.
He started being abused when he was 9 - and it went on until he was 15. Once his mom found out, she divorced him immediately. The reason why it became known is that cousins started coming forward. His dad went to a "program" where he wrote letters to my guy telling him that "he was so sorry, and that this would never happen again - to anyone"
So a few years went by and I guess there was an issue of a boy coming forward in the community. I guess his father was loved by the people of the community and I didn't really go anywhere. This, in addition to everything else and what he went through, was I guess why after over 15 years, my friend decided to put his father in jail.
2 years ago he went through everything all over again and pressed charges and ended up having everything taken away from him and putting him behind bars. My friend was able to pick the sentence and he picked 5 years. He didn't want him to die behind bars, but thinks that he is so old now that even when he gets out, he will not be in any condition to pull something like this off, even if he had the desire.
He said something to me that I didn't know how to take. Like he felt wrong because HE allowed it to go on until he was 15. Almost like I would be wondering how a 15 year old would allow that - that he would be old enough at that point to say no. And hell, I HAVE NO IDEA what ANY of this might be like for a child or adolescent, so I am not thinking that. But when he said that I just wanted to cry even more.
He also said that when he was talking to his lawyer, the lawyer asked him "why didn't you stop it" - and my friend after thinking and thinking, just said "I didn't know how."
AAAHHHHHHH! I am tearing up just typing this. It makes me so angry and sad to think this is what was going through the mind of a boy - A CHILD - for 6 years of his life while a person he looked up to VIOLATED him.
So here we are today... I can't stop thinking about it. I have been googling and googling and googling the subject of "adult males sexually abused as children". I just want to understand more. I want to be sensitive to his privacy and potential "issues" that I don't have any clue about, but at the same time be there for him in anyway I can...
I am here looking for suggestions on what I can do, what I shouldn't do/say when going into what could possibly be a serious relationship with this incredible man. And I am also here to better understand how this CAN HAPPEN? And how you all are so strong! He told me he has been through a ton of therapy - so I know he is not burying it... But still... I just want to be more educated on everything I can.
OH! One other thing... We met on an online dating site (sssush, I am glad I did it now
) and one of the questions was "want children" and he answered "don't know". So that was something that was brought up on one of our dates before this trip... So after he told me all about what happened, I asked him if because of this, if he was afraid to have children. He said yes. That he is afraid because they suspected that his fathers, father had abused HIM, and that sacred him. That sometimes he will look at someone, around the age he was and think that he/she was good looking - and then stop himself and question whether he should be thinking that. When it was probably the same thought any non SA person would think if they saw a hansom/beautiful boy/girl.OOHHH!!!! It aggravates me that someone would have to think like that. Always question their thoughts.
HELP!
My mind is racing!
