Would recovery change this?

[Brokenhearted]

Hi, just had dinner out w/ husband and daughter. As usual, he is talking to her and not much to me at all...which as usual leaves me feeling so invisible. Such a lonely feeling.

I am wondering, are all survivors like this, very unattached/nonconversationalists? Is it just part of them not being comfortable with being close to someone? After they "recover," if they ever do, is this something that may change? I am just wondering b/c I've endured it for so many years and am just feeling overwhelmingly alone b/c of it. Almost like attachment disorder or something, yet I seriously doubt that's it because he's able to bond with our daughter.

 

[beccy]

Hi BH,

my bf was NEVER EVER comfortable talking with me in virtually ALL situations. It was always like I just talked and talked and talked out of nervousness. Then then were loads of long, drawn out arguments, where I now realise he was just unwilling to talk about a load of complicated issues, which he didn't understand himself. But, within that, I realise he was very mean to me and still is sometimes, but i'm wising up to it now. In the end though, I eventually stopped talking to him. There didn't seem to be any point any more. Then I began therapy and the conversations developed in a different way; I persisited, he became very unpleasant towards me/displayed anger in the form of throwing, kicking, smashing things.

At the table, he became more and more withdrawn, to the point where he didn't really talk to our daughter either. he didn't help at the table when i was trying to feed our new baby boy. Just sat there and watched, as mayhem ensued.....

At this time, I was I nown see I was also going through my own process(although I didn't know that then) and all I felt was total frustration about everything. This resulted in me shouting one day that if he wanted to be totally dissengaged in our family, then why didn't he just go out and get some kind of job where he was at work all the time then I at least could learn to deal with it all on my own. I also said, either he go and talk to someone(like i was), or get out! Boy, was I FULL of anger. I shocked myself and went upstairs to immediately phone my T.

Well, he did go and see her. After his first appointment he was happier/more confident and nicer to be with. Things drifted on for a good while........then the shit hit the fan about all the csa stuff. H stopped talking to us again and would hide away in our room/work etc. Till I had to again insist he talked to someone more specifically trained to deal/help him with everything. He did that. He also stopped talking to me perhaps even more.........on talking to my therapist, it came clear to me that I was to some degree putting up with this level of communication. I wasn't talking about the things I need. I have started to do that. Sometimes I get it all wrong, other times I feel I've done well. I realise I have to stop accepting the things which are not ok for me. It is VERY hard work. We've had days/weeks where things are quite unbearable between us, but also we are TALKING now. I am now trying hard to work on myself/my problems. It would seem that my insecuritys/dysfunctions lead me to repress reasonable anger over things, pander to him and then either cause more distance between us, or result in delayed expression of anger, which never makes as much sense as expressing things as they come along. I am learning to accept that sometimes his behaviour towards me when I express certain feelings makes me feel very unloved. That's MY feeling and I have a right to express it. It's not my fault that the reasons for his behaviour are rooted in his confusions. His mess is NOT a good enough reason for me to allow myself to put up with being treated like shit. How he treats me when these things occur, is his stuff to sort out, but until I began to even let him know the magnitude of my feelings without then running to him the minute i felt guilty I'd done something wrong, I was simply enabling him.

This is just my experience of things of course.........only you can know how to deal with your own situation BH. I have faith in you. You are a strong, good person, with a kind heart, full of compassion. You and your husband deserve all the happiness you can find together......I'll be sending you support, positive energy and faith,

peace
Beccy