Would appreciate some input

[Jose]

Have a lot of bottled up feelings that I have been carrying for too long and would appreciate some input. At this point in my life, I also have some compulsive behavior and some problems with intimacy that I am sick and tired of and wish to break. I don't like its power over me and I don't want to be manipulated by it any longer. God knows I have tried everything to break it on my own but it is stronger than me. I am wondering if it is associated with some earlier experiences.

When I was 9, I was abused by a neighbor kid who was 13 or 14. Until a few years ago, I never thought of it as abuse because he offered me some records and other material things in exchange. Hence, I thought I was to blame. It was a dirty, horrible experience.

In my early 20's someone in authority who I greatly admired, befriended me and then began to make some sexual passes at me. I resisted for 2-3 years as I simply desired a good friendship, but eventually caved in to him - for reasons that confuse me today - and had a number of sexual encounters.

Now I am trying to make sense of it all. For a long time I considered myself to blame for both of these because I had a decision in the matter. However, the compulsive behavior and problems with intimacy have gotten my attention and I am beginning to wonder if this was abuse and whether or not the behavior may be related.

Any words of wisdom would be greatly appreciated.

Many thanks,
Jose

 

[FormerTexan]

Jose,

In my early 20's someone in authority who I greatly admired, befriended me and then began to make some sexual passes at me. I resisted for 2-3 years as I simply desired a good friendship, but eventually caved in to him - for reasons that confuse me today - and had a number of sexual encounters.

Let me share my experience with you and see if anything jives for you. 20+ years ago an older man offered his "help" to me since I was a young man who was emotionally destitute and relationally challenged. My father was quite a distant man, so an older man reaching out to me to "help" me was an offer hard to turn down. I kept going to him with my issues anyway, so how could I say no?

He was a counselor at a local church and I knew him from my earlier teen years anyway. So I accepted his offer of help, and it started out good. Over time he became inappropriate in his touching me and his "counseling" methods. I was a kid with no idea of what therapy was, so I went along with it because I thought it was the right thing to do. It wasn't until a couple years ago that I accepted it was abuse. He took advantage of me and my lack of experience in the matter.

I guess my point with this example is that you aren't to blame for someone zeroing in on you like that. This guy I knew saw my needs and exploited them. He is to blame, not me. That guy in authority is to blame, not you.

I also had another kid in my childhood that I was in an abusive relationship with. Again I was emotionally starved and would take a raunchy relationship over no relationship, with a "peer."

Pleas go easy on yourself. It may take some time to sort out real intimacy from the false intimacy obtained in these past relationships. It can be done.

FT

 

[Leosha]

Jose,

First, welcome here. It is always with mixed emotions that we see new names here. I am greatful this site exists for new members, to meet their needs. But it is so sad that that there is such a need, and such a highly increasing membership.

The incidents as a child, that was abuse. But I can see very much, how because you were 'gifted' or 'rewarded' for your actions, how that would make you feel you were a partner to it, a willing participant. And with that comes the feelings of guilt and shame that should NOT be ours.

Probably because of the lost boundaries in your childhood, the incidents in your twenties are quite understandable. It was someone 'in authority' of you, someone who was like in a parental role to your child role. It was like repeating your childhood events again, and you could not be expected to stop that, or have control over those events.

None of it was your fault. You were not to blame for any of it, even the events as you were an adult. The situation put you back in the child's frame of mind. That was not your fault, not at all. And I am sure that the compulsive behaviors are probably related to your history.

I hope that you will continue to come here, and allow it to help you settle things in your brain more. At some point, things do start making sense.

I wish you luck,

Leosha