Worthless

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Worthless

This is only my second post. I read a lot and I don't say much. Story of my life.

I function daily in the world, but I am always feeling like I don't measure up to other men. That there is something really deficient in me. Like I am not a real man.

I have felt this way my whole adult life. Men intimidate me because they scare me or I feel like I am a failure. That if they knew. I don't know what they would do it just paralyszes me.

I can't put it into words. It's just that when I see other men, I feel like I am not like them. That I am dirty or filth or something. Can't really put it into words.
 
I understand you. Many of us feel/felt the same way. But you will be welcomed and accepted here. You are not dirty or filth...you are a survivor of child sexual abuse that was NO FAULT of yours.

Welcome

Will
 
Martym

Firstly welcome to MS.

I felt like that for many years.

Just look at what you have posted. Could have George Clooney posted something like that on a publically accessable message board? Somehow I doubt it.

It take a tremendous amount of courage to post what you have and especially so to say something like "I am not a real man". From what you have written it says to me you are a man of that there is no doubt.

You would also be surprised at how "real men" would react to you. A real man would take on board your pain and maybe cry with you,there are plenty of real men on this message board.

Take it easy

Kirk
"Lets grab this bull by the horns and swing it about a bit"
 
Martym, I felt the same way for years and I probably still have a hint of it in me to this day. What you are feeling is normal after SA. You are a man, and what happenned to you does not make or identify you as less of a man. You were prayed upon. You are a man and a good man, a strong man, you are not the sexual abuse. Hang in there.
 
Martym,
I know that feeling ,brother. I can be the best at anything and nothing is good enough. All i have done or will do is worthless because I am somehow fatally flawed, my thoughts, my actions never measure up. I am looking forward to discussing my feelings this wednesday with my therapist. i see much clearer now.If I can just hold onto this I can somehow come through it.
 
Martym,

This is one of the things that only started haunting me once the memories began coming back. In retrospect, it was there all along, I just didn't recognize it for what it was.

When the memories of the abuse started to return 40 years after it first started, along with them came the sense of inadaquacy in my male role. Suddenly failure at simple traditional male tasks was a big thing to me like having trouble replacing the headlight in the car, or similar difficulty. Makes it difficult.

The thing I keep telling myself is that stuff doesn't define who I am any more than the abuse does. The problem is the old tapes I got as a child keep playing in my head over and over. Most of the time I'm OK. It's just when I've had a bad day or am really tired that it gets to me. If I stop and take a breather and tell myself that I am not what the old tapes are telling me I am It goes away.

It does get frustrating tho.

Welcome. I wish you the best here. Post when you wish and read when you wish. Just remember, you are among friends.

Lots of love,

John
 
Martym,

I too know the feeling. You are not alone. We are here for you, to support you in any way we can. Just remember that you are among friends who understand and care. And what I say next, I mean with all my heart.

You are very worth while, and the little guy who lives within is very, very precious.

Love ya

Darrel
 
Martym,

I understand the feeling of worthlessness, dirtiness, etc. I feel that way every day. It is a MAJOR part of my life that my counselor and I are addressing hard right now. You are NOT alone in this. We all understand. For me, I look in the mirror and I see a kid. I feel stuck in time -- like the man that is staring back at me from the mirror is not really a man but a little boy. I have the body of a man, I have a great job, I have a wife -- but gosh darn it -- I feel like a complete failure ALL THE TIME. What I'm learning is how to stop those thoughts -- it is very hard.

Russ
Milwaukee, WI
 
Martym,

I can only agree with all that has been said above. But remember that feelings are just that -feelings; they are not facts on the ground. If you feel deficient and unequal to other men, that identifies an issue you need to work on - one you share with many other men. But if you FEEL deficient that doesn't mean that you ARE deficient. It just means that what happened to you as a boy has had a rather predictable result in how you view yourself now. The good thing about this is that once the feeling is out and on the table, it can be looked at, discussed and resolved.

Much love,
Larry
 
Hi Martym, and welcome aboard.

Hey, the effects of SA manifest themselves in different people in different ways. Some poeple are able to compartmentalize it and put it away and help themsleves forget about it by becoming "overachievers". I was not one of those people, I unknowingly took the opposite track of being a classical underachiever. My status in life is REALLY bothering me, especially in light of all the failed endevors I took to change it.

Don't let the SA define you. If you talk here and share more of yourself as I have with the other good guys here, you will probably BEGIN to see a better version of YOU.

Whatever your status in your adult life, or the decisions that you made while trying to deal with SA, know that your not alone in your feelings, ok? Many of us feel the same way, maybe for different reasons, and many for the same.
 
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