Worst Day of My Life

Worst Day of My Life
P

Peter 1950

Hello Guys,

I'm back again. Seems like I always return here when I feel the most isolated. I feel like this is the one place where I'll always be understood. It's awful that there is a need for this site and I'm sorry about whatever happened that brings each of you here, but for those of us who need it, it sure can be a blessing.

As a refresher, I was abused by a minister for about two years starting around age 13. Since then I've never touched another man, but I've had tons of homoerotic fantasies all these years. I married at the age of 22. Two years ago I told my wife about the abuse, then a couple of days later about the fantasies. We've tried to work through it since. I'm seeing a therapist and we're seeing another one together. We've been trying to salvage a 34 year marriage that means a lot to me, and I think to her, too.

Things had been going a little better until last night, when I e-mailed her the wrong text for our family Christmas letter, for her to edit. I'd written a version that included the "really big news that I'd started to come out of the closet." It was a version that I wrote sort of for therapy, but never intended for her to see. In it I described the long list of guys I'd been attracted to over the years. It was honest, but much more direct than I've ever been with her about my attractions. It did also include lines like this: "I long for all of that (meaning the love of another man), but I don't want to trash the life I've had up till now. In many ways it's been very fulfilling. I love my family, and I don't want to hurt them."

She was stunned by the extent to which I've repressed my homosexualilty. We talked for a long time, but it was clear that I'd hit a trip-wire. I'm convinced that my marriage blew up last night. Today I'm a wreck. I started for work then came back to talk with her. I've been crying like a baby. She said, "I'm very sad, too, honey." But the way she said it made me feel like she's made her decision...that she was sad that it was over.

I've called my T who I'm scheduled to see at 3:30 to see if he might have an additional hour available for me earlier today. I feel like I've been brought to the edge of the abyss. I know that I want to stay with her. I know my love for her means more to me than any physical attraction for anyone. But I feel like it's too late. I'm going to try to get help when I see my T later, but I am looking for advice.

Any thoughts, guys?

Peter
 
Peter, welcome to the wonderful world of effects of CSA, sorry but it's true. BUT, and this is a BIG BUT, YOU WERE ALWAYS FAITHFUL TO HER!! Although you made a mistake of disclosing more than you felt she was capable and handling, (an assumption that you were apparently correct about), she should stay true to her vows, just as you have been all these years.

Ask her this: Do you think I would have been like this had I not been sexually abused as a child?

Knowing the extent of how much this terrible experience has warped your sexuality should be an opportunity for her to GROW with you, not LEAVE you.

She should be thankful that you weren't having affairs and picking up all sorts of diseases, (which happens all the time).

I will be dissapointed in your wife if she decides to leave you over this, it's not a trivial matter, but it's NOT a deal breaker. You guys swore to stay together for the rest of your lives, did she really mean it?
 
the only way to live is honest. it is unfortunate she found out this way, but if what you wrote was true, it was you writing it. now it is out there, for better or worse. if she stays, she will know the real you, and have accepted the real you.

i dont think any of us want to lose the ones we love. i went through a very similar thing when my affair came out. for a time i was afraid it was over, but there was another side too, a part of me that was releived that i wouldnt have to hide any longer.

i hope and pray your marriage comes through as mine did. having an open, honest relationship where you dont have to worry about sending the wrong letter is the only way to go in my book. it allows you to be yourself. you should be able to, adn she should accept and love the real you, all of you.
 
Hauser & Phoster,

Thanks very much for your support. It means a lot. Just heard from my T, and he's giving me an extra 30 minutes at the end of today's hour, plus offering time again in the morning. My wife called on her way to an out-of-state doctor's appointment to see if I heard back from my T, so that might be a good sign.

You've both made really good points, and I appreciate everything you said. Things are a little more bearable now. We'll see how the rest of today and (especially) tonight goes. Thanks.

Peter
 
Peter, i thought my marriage was over, but dont underestimate the power of love and of all those years together.
 
Hey I was just thinking that maybe you shouldn't listen to me as far as relationships go. I've been celebate for 11 years now........geez. Oh, well. So who the Hell am I to give advice about relationships? Just humoring myself sorry.
 
Peter,

I am glad you find you can come to here when most you need it. I would think that is what this site is all about, to be available to all who need it, as they need it.

It sounds like a very difficult thing. I hope that you were able to meet more with your therapist, and that perhaps, it may even be an idea to go there with your wife as well? If truly the 34 year marriage is what you want to save, perhaps that would be a way to speak that to her, and show that to her. Or, perhaps you would want out of that life and to live another one. I can not answer that, and I am not sure even right now you can. But of course, it is the chief question that needs to be answered right now. What kind of life is it you want? The one you have, or the one you perhaps feel denied of?

Originally posted by Hauser:

Ask her this: Do you think I would have been like this had I not been sexually abused as a child?
Click to expand...
The only issue I see of this question, however, is that it seems to imply that sexual abuse as a child creates homosexuality. We all know it doesn't. People can act out in homosexual manners, and still be 'straight'. If someone is gay, they are gay, I think, whether they have been abused or not.

Leosha
 
Hauser & Leosha,

First, Hauser, I do appreciate your advice, and I think it was wise and useful. Not only was it a help, but the fact that you reached out only 17 minutes after I posted this also made a difference. I'd never felt so alone as I did yesterday morning. Your message was really important to me.

Leosha, you made good points, also reflecting wisdom. What became crystal clear to me yesterday was how much I love my wife, and how much I need her. I felt that my world had crumbled under my feet and that I was falling into a black abyss. It was awful when I thought she'd given up on our marriage. Your point about therapy is a good point too. We're seeing a couples therapist together, and yesterday afternoon my T asked me to call from his office to get the first available appointment with her and to try to get my wife to go. While he was hoping for today, there was no time available, but I did get an hour on Tuesday, and when I got home from therapy, my wife agreed to go, and even thought it was a good idea.

As to your comment about CSA causing someone to be gay, I agree that it certainly does not; in my life that's also quite clear. I think Hauser's point has to do with all the confusion, the hidden desires the distrustful behaviour and the like...all of which I do believe was the outcome of my experiences as a child.

Today I again have hope, and it's a wonderful feeling. Thanks to everyone who helped me weather the storm yesterday. There will no doubt be some difficult and probably dark days ahead, but I hope that yesterday was the worst. This website and the kind-hearted people who come here make an enormous difference in the lives of the people to whom they reach out. My life is proof. Y'all have my deep and humble appreciation.

Peter
 
You're most welcome Peter. I'm glad I was able to help.

My question above DID imply that sexual confusion CAN develope as a result of CSA, but I didn't mean to make a blanket statement for all cases either, sorry.
 
Maybe I was wrong...today's just as bad as last Thursday, and maybe even worse. My wife and I just met with our couples therapist. It was awful. She talked about how much damage this has done to her self esteem. She wants to be loved and desired, and after reading that letter, she feels that she's a "second class citizen" in her own home...that I'd never want her the way I'd want a man. She said she'd never seen the same passion for our relationship, for our marriage, that she'd read in that letter when I talked about the things I'd wanted to do with guys I've known over the years.

I said that I was ashamed for what I've done...especially for not telling my wife about my sexual attractions before we got married. Our T asked how long I'd been ashamed. I said since I was 13. Never realized it until she asked.

As of today, I'd have to say that it doesn't look like we're going to make it. Would have been 35 years next July. Still have to tell the kids. This sucks.

Peter
 
Jesus, I STILL don't see why this has to be a deal breaker. My God as if you're the only married guy on this planet that has sexual confusion.

Divorce you? And do what? What the Hell does she plan on doing after leaving you? Apparently, her life would be better WITHOUT you? This is crazy!!!
 
Does your counsellor not have experience in abuse and how it f*cks up yr mind?
Yeah, where is your wife going in all of this, and can she not accept it.

Heck. What! Am I saying here, of course she cant, and nobody else can,

ste
 
When you dig down to the bottom of all this crap, it's really about shame. I do tie all of this back to my experience when I was 13. I've been ashamed and kept secrets ever since. I've spent so much time playing roles and pretending to be someone that others would respect that I've pretty much lost any sense of self. It's what caused me to avoid telling my wife about this before we married, and what caused me to hide all of it from everyone forever. Shame. That's what's driven my life.

This morning while driving to work, I was thinking about the perp (a minister of all things!) and his responsibility in all of this. I've never confronted him, and feel weird about it now given his advanced age. I'm 56, so he's 80.

He lives 950 miles from here, but only a few miles from my daughter, son-in-law and grandson. (They've never met him and know none of this.) I'll be there in another week, and I'm thinking about speaking with him. I need to be certain that I can control myself if I do. This morning I nearly broke the lid to the center console in the truck when I hit it (him?) thinking about all this.

It's absolutely incredible to me how much power that feeble old creep still has over me and how much he's managed to screw up my life.

Peter
 
Peter, read the article on confrontation, its pretty steep confronting them without thought.
Dont take it out on the truck when driving, wait till you get home.

You need to remind him that Hell awaits him pretty soon.
There are loads of what ifs? To think about, and how you respond if he is in denial etc.

Could also lead to a heart attack for him, or you doing jail time if you hit him, think of everything before you confront,

ste
 
Peter,
I've been following your story here and have been thinking about you and your situation a lot. You aren't alone in the whole shame thing. Living a life that was based on covering up this nasty secret has led me to do - and not do - many things. You aren't alone.'
Paul
 
Ste & Paul,

I've read Ken's article and it makes good sense. All the feedback I'm getting (T, wife, best friend, others here) is to go slow on the confrontation, so I'll back off the plan to confront him next week. I'll work on a letter instead. Thanks for guiding me to that article and your own words of wisdom, Ste.

And, Paul, I really appreciate your comments. It does help each of us to know we're not alone. Thanks for reaching out.

Peter
 
Peter, I know for one that I would snap unless I had someone to control me.
I was seeing the same in you, as you are taking it out on yourself.

You need him to remember that he ruined your life, and probably others too.
He needs reminding that he did these things as a Minister of God, and how harsh he will be judged.

Remind him just how evil child molestors are seen by the public, and whether he is waiting for a knock on his door.

I am sure you can think of some other points,

ste
 
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