Working on myself

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So as I have mentioned before I have been bottling everything that happened up for years, refusing to understand what happened and hiding it away until it randomly came out in outbursts of myself braking down, spending days not leaving the house braking down with bad anxiety to the point I would not talk to what friends I had, not want to leave my bed, just have a complete break down in myself in confidence.

I would spend the whole time convincing myself it was my fault, I was the one in the wrong, or it never happened and I just imagined it, replaying things that happened in my head over and over trying to convince myself that I was wrong thinking he was a little smaller and a few months younger than me so it must have been me. To the point I imagined I would be in prison, all the good I have done will all go away, my family, my friends would all leave me, so what was the point anymore, why even bother doing anything or going out or living at all, to have no one believe me about what happened. I would delete all my social media and just disappear from society until I am forced into the world by family.

I know not a very healthy thing to do and I know it is my mind playing tricks and I now understand its a common thing that happens with people, its a coping mechanism give back some control I had lost. But my idea of dealing with this was to bottle what had happened and then just work on myself, by working on my confidence, forcing myself to talk to women, and brake my issues with sexual barriers with them, forcing myself through programs like "how to talk to girls" or "How to make friends" guides to just feel normal.

So after going through a bad break up last year, everything came out at once I couldn't bottle it up anymore and I broke down to the point I was 90% of the way to end it all, I had it all planned, wrote my notes to friends and family. One night one friend got really drunk and called me, it was the night I was going to do it, I broke down crying and told them everything that had happened, They told me to stay around and it will get better. Only recently I found out they were so drunk they dont remember the whole conversation anymore, but iv reminded them of it without the details I did originally. So since then, I have been forcing myself to face the emotions to help me move forward.

So this is how iv been doing it
  • When I have emotional issues dealing with break downs I use PSTEC to bring me back up and essentially brake the emotional, there is a few that are good and help to deal with anxiety and other emotions
  • I listen to Subliminal Club daily mainly, Rebirth, Regeneration, and Limit Destroyer, these have been followed by Confidence and conversational programs
  • I have done a lot of self-hypnosis / Meditation for healing Trauma
  • Talking - Talking on here in the chat, opening up to some close friends, and talking on Anonymous sessions on places like blahtherapy.com and supportiv.com, it allows me to open up and not have to worry about how they think of me
  • I have started trying to force myself to face my issues and work through them it has been very hard
  • (gonna sound weird to some) dating advice people such as understanding conversations and how to talk to people, for me it was something that I lost my knowledge in when I started locking myself away and not being social before college.
  • Planning to leave this life and country behind, to move far away from my triggers, and start my life as I should have when I was 18 and not spent the last years hidden away losing years I will never get back because of what happened

What have I learned so far?
  • I need a structured life, Before I went towards a military life I was a slop. When I came back from a military life I became a slop without a routine
  • I was using food a lot in my teenage years and even in recent years as a coping mechanism it has gotten me to be as fat as I am now
  • I still have a lot of triggers, such as seeing a situation similar in a movie or tv show or when someone says something specific it triggers me
  • I still have a long road ahead but one day I will get there
  • I will need some therapy at some point in my life to work through these memories and find ways of healing myself and my mind
  • Not to be afraid of women or sex, but it's not the only important thing in relationships. I have learned to enjoy conversations with women, and flirt again even have recently come to understand the is a woman, she doesn't know about my past, but she makes me happy when we talk.

This is not a finished thing, there will be more to come, I have a huge way to go. Even today, I found myself spiraling down, I tried to focus on other things and not go down that path. I even had a Tv show trigger me which brought flashbacks of what happened and that started to make me retreat into myself. It is a LONG LONG road but I have started the journey finally after more than a decade. But I am glad I have this community knowing I'm not alone, what I am going through is normal, that others have gone through it as well, also glad the people in my life that I do now to help me understand it will get better and pull myself away from the darkness.

I hope in another decade I can look back on this and be a lot better then I am now and in a better place. I am also open to any suggestions from other people on here, of things they have tried or recommend.
 
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