Words you've heard again and again...

Words you've heard again and again...

beanbean

Registrant
What are phrases you've heard repeatedly over your lifetime that has shaped your relationship to your masculinity - in positive or negative ways. The most classic examples being, "boys don't cry," "grow some balls," and "boys will be boys."
 
I have just recently begun to step into my authentic masculine self, trying myself out like I'm driving a new car. The idea in my mind for most of my life was the behaviors, expressions, traits and actions aligned with healthy male masculinity was " not for you."
My perception and sense of experiencing masculinity was blunted from years of boyhood same sex abuse, and in only this world, the perfectly synced timing of same period having emotional abuse by a father who literally began to drunkenly rage at me and verbally annihilate my sense of actually belonging to my own gender, with hateful slurs of Faggot, pansy ( till im no longer on this earth, hearing the name of that beautiful little flower immediately links me back to actual experience of time, place, and events occuring when my father first placed that new word of shame in my brain), queer, and so on. I separated my entire self from embracing, appreciating, living, believing any part of me was allowed to be or assume any typical masculine qualities, behaviors traits. Perfect, real life experience, (and i don't know that any other human who was not sexually molested will ever get the depth and breadth of the damage done to kids and how truly terrifying this simple act millions of other men do without a second thought, terrified and caused deep shame in my core) when in my 20's I did the unthinkable- grew a beard. The anxiety I had when I made this, decision, and my belief that it was only matter of time when just around any corner a man see's my results and screams to " shave that off, you know you can't do that, you are a ...etc" and it almost sounds comical or like a story that couldn't have been lived, because how could a 25 year old man be brought to such a place of terror, shame, humiliation, by engaging in a simple act of externally showcasing what he can't feel or believe internally, it's lethal embarrassment, feels like your standing still being publicly electrified.

That gap or disconnect between my ability to feel authentically male, and allowing myself to engage in healthy, typical masculine actions and behaviors has only recently begun to clear. I was never interested in knowing life as a woman, but I behaved in ways that are often attributed to our better sex, and I believe my truth, ( sounds so fucking cliche) but it's also so fucking true, my true sense of being, feeling, internally affirming and living my best masculine life continues to stengthen and allows me to feel, really sit in, the truth of my own inherent masculinity, gender, biology, of being the man I was born to become. I have the right to live as and honor and believe in, not continue to live an abusers legacy and as I was groomed, was repeatedly reminded to be by an emotionally and retrospectively, probably gay, father, the main source of aligning all of pieces into my eventual self, robbed me of so many years by insisting I was his own biggest fear come to life. Being my true male self, and while amazing, its also terribly depressing, and terrifying when I'm here and look at what was taken from my life without my consent and how I sabotaged so much good, doubted ruined and ended what I didn't know how to nurture, it can bring me to my knees the vastness of my self induced decimation.

As the man I am today, masculinity can still become little itchy at times, I have to keep that old fake friend Shame on its side of the world, not hatefully. whispering in my ear that I absolutely do not have any claim to be or do anything masculine......Its only as I understand less is ahead than what is now gone, that I truly begin to grasp how deep the annihilation of molestation has brought me- and with it, all of the losses it's cancerous fingers gleefully gave me- losses that I never would have ascribed to being abused if it was ten years ago. They have been life changing and imprinted damage not to only me, but many others and throughout all of what was... .......there is a book out, and it talks about taking the wrong path, falling prey to addiction, engaging in unhealthy acts, and instead of asking what's wrong with them, ask them what happened to them? I didn't lose my way and find myself where I am at 55 because I believed in and had internalized a healthy, adult man with a strong foundation which I could return to anytime and make decisions that most likely would not have been the ones I did pursue and gave me the results I'm living today ....blah blah blah....so, I have strayed far from question so I'll end.
...

thanks folks

J
 
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