Wondering if I'll ever figure it out.

[EGL]

My therapist tells me how amazed he is at the coping skills I developed, despite the abuse, and that I'm a success story. Beautiful wife, kids, great job, finances good, everything that most people in the world only dream of.

So why do I still feel like an unworthy piece of shit? This is driving me crazy. Part of my mind is believing what he's telling me, and the logical part of my mind believes it too, but the reality part of my mind says "It's bullshit, don't believe it." And I always believe the latter.

I look at other people around me, they seem together, have their life on track, but I do everything I can to fight off feeling like I'm doing 100 mph down the highway with my eyes closed. The impending doom feeling.

My T says I'm gifted with talents, and my wife and others do as well. I don't believe it. It's just an ability, if anyone else has it, they can do it too. I'm nothing special. If I didn't have my wife and kids I'm sure I would have killed myself long ago. I don't like myself, maybe that's my problem, I just don't like myself.

 

[Bill_1965]

Eddie,

Appearances can be deceiving. I wonder how many of these people you see around you that appear to be doing well are asking the same question. I think the number would amaze you.

Are your coping skills you referred to more geared to avoidance? Work hard. Play hard. Get involved whole-heartedly so you dont have to think about what your mind wants to think about. That kind of coping? It works for a little while, but still doesnt change anything. I dont know. Only you know, but that still is inside of you waiting to be found.

Learn who you are. What you want. Get to like yourself, that is important. You have to spend the rest of your life with yourself, so you might as well like your life long companion. It will make your trip much more enjoyable.

Take care,
Bill

 

[reality2k4]

Eddie

ever looked around and thought of how many of your neighbours think, I wonder how he does it.

But only you know the price, and you paid enough to get there.

You do have excellent skills, because you had to cope, you use the skills now to achieve, but slow down a little, ease off the throttle, take some time out and don't burn out.

take care

ste

 

Eddie,

I might be way off base here, but it sounds like my therapist who tells me she is amazed by survivors like me that we managed to find ways to cope and still live. Course, those coping skills did get me through, but I need to change some of them because they keep me locked away from life in some ways.

As for the talents, I also say to myself "big dea", they're just abilities. But sometimes avoiding recognizing good things about myself just reinforce that I am that piece of crap I have always believed I am.

So, look at those talents realistically. In my case, I have to look at poetry, which comes naturally to me. Big deal. But it is. I have won two national contests and have been published four times. That isn't just ability. It is talent or a gift. But either way, it's mine. Takes a change in my thinking to say that.

As for the others around us, I guarantee you that there are so many of them that would be horrified if anyone found out just how insecure they really are. Outward appearances are decieving a lot of times. Look at me. Some people think I am the cat's meow with the knowledge and skill I possess in my profession. Most of them don't know that this is a result of the perfectionism a little boy learned was the only way to stay safe.

Peace,

Marc

 

[Leosha]

EGL, I think that it take a lot for us to understand ourselves, and to see ourselves as others have seen us. Normally speaking, the people we associate ourselves with now will see us as better then we will see ourself. Because we still carry the guilt, the feelings of shame and dirty, the anger, all the emotion of things we have not fully dealt with yet.

Even now, sometime someone will say something, like how strong I am, and I just think, you must be kidding. But they think it true. They judge me by different ideas and thoughts then I do. And they are more forgiving of me then I am. I think same is true for you, and for most survivors.

If what someone says about you is something positive, try to accept it as their opinion, and try to accept it as valid. If it's negative, kick it out the door!

Now, if I can figure it out, how to do that for myself.

leosha

 

[Aden]

There will probably always be days, or parts of every day, when we feel down on ourselves. Isn't it strange how we developed some excellent skills to help us cope but can't seem to accept those skills as a positive part of ourselves?

It's kind of like, if you have a perfectly clean window except for one finger print on it, what you really have is a dirty window.

If we could limit that response to where we were happy with the attempt to do our best and accept the minor flaws, we could probably get more done and be more relaxed in the process.

Aden