Wonder about my existence

[Tanis2105]

I honestly do not know why I’m posting this now or even why. I joined this community so I could be amongst others that know the emptiness of my life, soul if you prefer. I often visit and read the posts, many hit very close to home. I feel the pain but am too afraid to reply. I’m not sure I would give good advice, let’s face it for most of my existence I have made poor choices.
A while back I posted that I was attempting to go have gastric-by-pass. I became ill after going from 560 to 360 over the past year. Still have not done the procedure and probably won’t. I have been in physical therapy (3 bad falls in January) since early February and still here at the fucking place going on 6 months and can only show walking with an aide and walker/wheelchair about 75 yards now. I have a lot of time to think maybe too much.
I try to understand all that happened when I was a kid, not my choice, too small to fight etc.. I will be 53 this year and I am starting to realize just how much I have let pass me by, how fucked up I have been and still am. I have pushed almost everyone from my life. Safer for me and others this way. I have given up therapy and most medication since November. Right or wrong it doesn’t matter as I’m hoping this will be my final year.
I am tired of hurting others as well as my own pain. No I am not contemplating ending this any other way but natural so please do not get the wrong idea. I need to get my frustrations/anger out and this seems to be the safest way. Perhaps if I get some real rest (if this is possible) I might see things in a different light.
I am truly sorry for taking up others time with this pointless post but thank you all who make it this far. May each of you gain the peace and joy you richly deserve. Thanks for listening.

Kevin – Tanis2105

 

[Chris4TheMill]

Nice to meet you, Kevin. Your post is not pointless at all and you are well worth listening to. We are about the same age. I grew up in South Florida, the Pompano Beach Fort Lauderdale area. I believe that you are on the gulf coast and I have never been but hear it is beautiful there. I miss the ocean and the beach culture in Florida.

I am sorry you are having such a tough time right now. I also hope that you can get some real rest that can help you have a different perspective on things. Rest is very important. Also, congratulations on losing all that weight so far! I know it hasn't been easy, but still, that is quite an accomplishment. I hope the rest of your day and week goes well and feel free to check back anytime.

Regards,

Chris

 

[KMCINVA]

Kevin

This is not pointless. You know how you feel and no one should dismiss your feelings, pain and perceptions. Too many time people do this to us and we continue to suffer and remain in this abyss of despair.

You vent and let your anger out here anytime. I have trouble letting my anger out and it is destroying me. Take the opportunity to share and release here for people are kind and understand what you are living.

Welcome, and I am sorry life had to lead you here, Kevin from another Kevin.

 

[George]

Hi Kevin,

You are certainly valued & welcome here. We all are weary at times from all of pressure the abuse puts on our sanity over the years. We totally understand how you feel Brother. I hope that you get the much needed rest that need. We all know how comforting the walls that we've built for a protection way back can seem at times, but all too those walls do end up imprisoning us.

"I feel the pain but am too afraid to reply. I’m not sure I would give good advice, let’s face it for most of my existence I have made poor choices." We all feel this way, it's the nature of the beast that we have to fight to overcome.

I had the gastric sleeve done over two years ago, after a few years of pondering about it, even chickening out the year before I eventually got it done. I will tell you, it was the best decision I ever made and would do it again in a heartbeat.

Feel free to PM me if you want to talk more in private. A lot may have passed by, but there can be hope on the horizon for the future.