women

women
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deck

Registrant
I've started this post on multiple occasions. I cann't seem to figure out what I want to say or how to say. I feel so lost when it comes to women. I tend to feel a terrible amount of guilt, shame, inadequecy, terror and confusion when it comes to women. I worry that I am dangerous like a wounded animal. I've never been married or engaged. I've dated very little and am very inexperienced sexually. Women tend to like me as a friend. I cann't seem to go beyond that. On the very few times that it has gotten even somewhat intimate, I've usually been drinking and tend to feel bad (guilt, shame, etc) after.

I don't know what I'm trying to say. I feel like a failure as a man. I cann't imagine why any women would be interested. If a woman is interested, I feel that I have misled her. I'm not a young man and I hate feeling like I will always be alone.

Sorry I always ramble.
 
Deck,

I'm sorry that you are having a difficult time. I completely understand what you are saying. I finally got married at 40 years old. I thought it would never happen. I'm a very lucky guy to have found a woman that I feel comfortable with. It took a lot of therapy to get to that point. But I made it!! I hope you can too. It was well worth the wait!

Recovery is Possible!

Brian
 
When you least expect it to happen . Someone will come along that will be just the person that you have ben looking for .
 
deck ....boy you took the words out of my mouth...i to am in the same boat...54 years old..my fear is getting older by myself..where i may need help if i cannot take care of myself steve
 
deck,

I so much understand what you are trying to say!!!

for the first time in over 9 years there is a girl who is interested in me - I am so extremely scared that I'm gonna mess things up with her - I honestly can't even begin to see what she sees in me...

I do know that we deserve love in our lives and yet I'm so scared that she's gonna run away when she finds out too much about me (although I plan on telling her real slow - kinda already have started in just telling her that things where'nt so great in my childhood - just general talk - no specifics yet) - there is something special about her though that words just can't explain... - maybe - just maybe... she won't run away... - got to take that chance... - I hope you do too...

TJ jeff
 
Deck, you're not the only one!

I feel the same way, and would never approach a woman and strike up a conversation with her. However I'm OK chatting with women when there is a "reason" to do so, i.e. I know them already from work or something.

I guess the approach is just to pretend to myself that I know her already, it's just that she's suffering from amnesia or something...

TJ jeff; good to hear that there's someone who is "something special" in your life. Just don't rush in with all the information at once, that was what I did last time and it was a really big mistake.
 
Deck,

It's so cool to see you post on such a painful subject and get all these posts assuring you that you aren't alone.

I think that's one of the most devastating feelings a survivor can have: that feeling that his situation is his alone and reflects his own personal failures and inadequacies. That's not true. The way you feel has everything to do with what happened to you, and as you can see, other guys feel the same way.

My guess would be that right of the center of things for you is this feeling:

I feel like a failure as a man. I can't imagine why any women would be interested.
Click to expand...
That feeling is there, and because it is real you have to acknowledge it and work on it. It's the sort of thing we really need a good T for. But what the T will help us see is that feelings like this are not true. Once we know that, and BELIEVE that, then we will no longer act as if that feeling were true. We can free ourselves of it, allow our good qualities to shine through and let others see us as the good and worthwhile men we genuinely are.

Much love,
Larry
 
so true larry...i have spent years telling myself..i was no good...no one would like my..and on and on...so now i have to challange these thoughts and change them to poative thoughts about myself...i now tell myself i did nothing wrong..i am ok...everything will be allright..its not the end of the world...and on and on steve
 
Thanks guys. I hear what you're saying. I know the key is to believe and have faith in yourself but it seems so ingrained. I've believed it for so long, it's hard not to. I constantly feel I have something that I need to do, something that I need to accomplish, to prove. But I have no idea of what it is or how to do it. That I lack something very basic. Something that men have. I have been talking with my counselor about this but it so hard getting by the idea of being less... of being wounded...
 
Deck,

I constantly feel I have something that I need to do, something that I need to accomplish, to prove. But I have no idea of what it is or how to do it.
Click to expand...
You have so many brothers here who have been through the same crap. Can I give you my take on it?

The man who abused me told me that my father didn't love me; I was asthmatic and a daydreaming kid anyway - I would never be the sports hero he wanted his boy to be. That was all cruel lies, of course, but I believed him. I also believed him when he told me that if my Dad ever found about what "we" were doing, he would throw me out and I would end up in the local orphanage.

My response to that was to work my ass off in school to do my best and try to earn my Dad's love. I thought that if I excelled that would give me credit against the (inevitable) day he figured me out and had to decide whether to keep me or discard me like the trash I was.

That was my life for decades - constant striving to achieve, to prove myself. But one task just led to another: What I didn't see was that it wasn't achievement, but a need to constantly SHOW achievement, that was torturing me. How could there be an end, a final victory, when the whole project was based on wrong thinking in the first place?

With my T's help I finally managed to see through the crap and shed the need for constant striving. It still tempts me - like alcohol and drugs tempted me when I was young. But it has helped me a lot to see the real reasons behind my behavior.

Your case will likely be different from mine in various ways, but I hope you can see that the template is the same. The challenge isn't to keep striving for - what? - the ultimate achievement, whatever that would be, but to see that we never had any reason to strive to justify ourselves in the firtst place.

Much love,
Larry
 
Thanks Larry. What you're saying makes sense. It seems more like pennance. That I have to do something to earn back the right to be a man. Does that make sense?
 
Deck i know precisely what you're talking about and even more so when it comes to not only women but the way i feel when i could in fact become intimate.I to, have dated very few women and feel like a failure as a man also.Let me say this i am really comfortable giving advice but yet i can't heed to my own.Life for us as chldren were F@#$%n horrible and consequently this is what i beleive will always be the case with me and how i feel around women.You're courage speaks volumes by coming here and venting in that most people do not have the inate ability like us when a situation becomes threatenng.I do apoligize for rambling to you but when i talk about csa it gets me all worked up.Anyway my friend you are not alone with the way you think and feel when it comes to women.We are good people who should have been protected and nurtured but this (for me) THEY FAILED us we DID NOT fail them in that look what we're doing to find peace within us , we come to a place that is safe and you will never be judged for that you are a good man who will be okay even though right now you think otherwise.Take care and be gentle and try not to judge yourself...YOU ARE NOT A FAILURE in any way.Coopstah
 
I totally hear you, Deck. The longest I went without any contact with women was five years, after a two year relationship. I rarely see anyone, if I do, it's usually just a fling. So far, none of my relationships last more than two weeks, as well as being few and far between. I don't know about you, but I just don't feel like I can trust a women, or perhaps myself. I can't offer any advice or anything, all I can say is that I'm right there with you. You're definately not alone on this one. Some days, like today, I feel like it will never end, like I'll always be alone. It might sound strange, but I've learnt to use my sense of isolation as a source of strength. So few people can actually claim that they can handle being alone. There are people who never stop dating, never spend time alone. Think of how much we can gain from what seems to be crippling us.
 
Deck,

I may sound redundant in comparison to what everyone else has said in this forum but I can definitely relate as well. I am on the way of recovering from this issue myself and believe me, its no walk in the park. It arouses multiple insecurities and feeling of guilt, shame, sadness, and anger, not to mention fear. One thing I had learned was that communication is the key. I feel that most of us have tended to keep our mouths shut about how we were feeling because of all of the wild emotions running through us and the fear of rejection or being talked about by the girl to her friends as "the guy who hit on her but she didn't want or the creepy guy who just wouldn't leave her alone." Well, if she says no, taste the pain and let it go. It hurts but it is a very empowering feeling. Its good to get to know the girl for a while. the time will come when you know to say something. However, always listen to your gut. If you feel that its not the right time then it is probably not. Another thing is that its not all about pleasing her. I would say that it is best to feel her out and find out if she is right for you. Can you trust her? If you can, when things get intimate and you get scared and shakey, you can tell her about what is going on. I would say there is a 95% chance that she will be understanding. At least thats how it was from my experiences. Some women have issues with childhood
sexual abuse like us and they can relate. Some you
may not even expect. What is it that "you" want in a girl is the question. I've found it's more effective to be yourself and be worry free when it
comes to what shes thinking. We tend to analyze women and wonder if they're thinking of us as weird, dirty or bad when that usually isn't the case. You'll realize that when you find one that really loves you. Love is not just a fairy tail, its as real as the computer you typed this message on. Also insecurities play a huge role in this. What helped me out was to pinpoint my insecurities and deal with them. Therapists, journaling and maybe some meditation could help you in this. I still suffer from this issue myself but one thing I do know after looking back to where I was, is that things do get better. Especially if you try. Waiting for this to heal is not good enough. We must act to do what it takes to overcome our fears. For we are strong and ruthless, we survived
the abuse, we can definitely survive whatever symptoms that come after it. Be strong my friend, you'll get through this, or wait a minute, WELL GET THROUGH THIS! You have friends here. I'm 24 years old and not as experienced with women as most the people in this forum but I can tell you what I've experienced so here it is. Thank you for reminding me that I'm not alone in this either.
Good luck Deck.

Jason
 
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