Women in Summer Clothes

Women in Summer Clothes
I agree with you about much of this. I was less addressing affections than what I expected to get out of it. Dealing with the particular loss of mothering s helping me see things more clearly. I think that being with a woman who is a good person and is affectionate would be good.
 
Just reviving this thread because everything I wrote in the original post is true again. (It's summer again.) I wish I didn't notice, and yet, to be honest, on a hot day in the big city as I am going about my daily affairs, I'm scanning, looking for interesting bodies in clothes that show them off. I hate even writing that, and I feel my mom smiling, knowingly.
 
Hi Learning2Remember,

I too used to have a very strong reaction to women this time a year. Similar in some ways to yours. My way of hurting myself is to shut down and do alot of damage to my body internally.

This year seems to be better. I'm focusing my energy very strongly on creating a healthy relationship with the part of me that was hurt when I was young... the Inner Child me so to speak. I'm also doing exercises that work to identify how my parents still trigger me and to "fire" them as parents and take on the parenting role myself.

I feel my mom smiling, knowingly.

I've accessed some strong anger at my mother this year and expressed it to her directly. This has been highly taboo for me until very recently. I seem to be escaping the dynamic where I was held hostage by her emotional needs. She never did (and still doesn't) do anything to satisfy these needs herself. She tends to shut down and go into victim mode in the presence of men with power. She has, in my perception, a tremendous amount of anger at men. It fell on me to keep her from becoming overly depressed. Part of that was allowing a sexualized/romanticized connection with her. It was a heavy load for a young child to bear. I seem to be getting better at saying "No" to this dynamic and respecting the unmet needs of the child I once was (safety and non-sexual cuddles/affection). I'm focusing much more strongly on meeting those needs than getting sucked into the needs of women who sexualize their energy to attract the attention of men. I wish there were more men who were willing to help me support the needs of the infant me (women tend not to work well at all), but I'm working with what's available, mostly on my own, with the help of a great male therapist and an animal therapist who has two dogs.

I hope this gives you some ideas for directions to pursue in your own healing. If you need more information on the re-parenting/ Inner Child healing work I'm doing, let me know and I'll fill you in.

Cheers,

Garth
 
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I’m going to admit that I sort of have this problem but for a whole different reason.

“She has nice leggings. Wish I had those. I wish I didn’t have a package. I wish I could fit in that bathing suit. I need bigger hips and chest...”

I asked my therapist if that was attraction; he said, “uh, no”
 
@SubtleStuff , I don't know if my mother had issues with powerful men, but I think it affected her that she grew up in the 50s and 60s in the American south with 2 younger brothers who played football, joined the military, drank, etc. I'm sure that and the rest of her surroundings gave her an idea of how boys and men act, talk, etc. She probably heart plenty of guys talk about girls bodies, etc. Then when I came along, I think she had this idea that I should be interested in girls, and that she knew what I was interested in, but at the same time I think she disapproved it--making things confusing for me! I seemed to develop this idea that it was an evil think to be aroused by beautiful women, and that it was an evil thing that all men did, a character flaw men share. As a result, if I didn't look, I wasn't a real man, but if I did look, I was scum. That message is deem inside me.

@SDD757 , I've been self-conscious about my body, wishing that my parts didn't show at all. It wasn't so much wanting to look like a woman, but just wishing my genitals didn't show. I'm not sure if that is similar to your feelings at all.
 
Statements about women in revealing dress resonate with me and I appreciate the discussion. I also agree it's important for us men to remain respectful and not gawk. However, something to consider: is revealing dress on the part of women sometimes a form of exhibitionism through which some women derive feelings of power over others much as a male exhibitionist gets when he flashes someone? Are we thus sometimes victimized by women's clothing choices? (I write as a survivor of a woman's incestuous victimization of me through exposing herself.)
 
Certainly!

Nah. How can someone else's clothing choices harm you? If it bothers you, just look at something else.


I don't know, Srangeways. I know what you mean by saying, "Just look at something else". Like @Jem Ofaguy , part of my abuse story is a woman exposing herself to me. In my case, I remember Mom standing at my bedroom door when I was 16 or 17 while I was getting dressed in the morning. She was topless and speaking to me about everyday stuff like when I'd get home from school, etc. If I looked at her (She was my mother and talking to me, so common courtesy would require facing her), then I couldn't NOT see her breasts. I didn't look at her, in fact, facing away, while she was talking to me. It felt awful. Although it is a very tricky line, and I don't want to blame a woman for wearing something, I do think in some rare cases women are being very manipulative with what they wear, turning it into a kind of power play. Mainly I'm thinking of low-cut tops or things that show off cleavage, because it's really hard to even talk to somebody without noticing that. I don't want to generalize, but in some situations, I think @Jem Ofaguy has a point.
 
I totally understand what you're feeling, @learning2remember. I used to get triggered by attractive women constantly, and sometimes I still do. Your feelings are completely valid. And you are absolutely right that some women get a real sense of power from being able to manipulate the way men feel based on what they wear.

However ... the key is for us to challenge our triggers, not for us to banish the things that trigger us. Obviously I have to be around women most of the day - likewise, asking women to cover up just for you is not going to happen. I had to figure out how to fix the triggers. The first thing I did was to remind myself that I was going out into the open, and there might be attractive women there. The second thing was to just notice my trigger without judgment. The third thing was to compassionately talk back to the trigger. Not one of the women I encountered were interested in hurting me. None of the women I encountered were my abuser. It took a lot of time and practice, but I've mostly got this trigger under control. You can, too.
 
I don't know, Srangeways. I know what you mean by saying, "Just look at something else". Like @Jem Ofaguy , part of my abuse story is a woman exposing herself to me. In my case, I remember Mom standing at my bedroom door when I was 16 or 17 while I was getting dressed in the morning. She was topless and speaking to me about everyday stuff like when I'd get home from school, etc. If I looked at her (She was my mother and talking to me, so common courtesy would require facing her), then I couldn't NOT see her breasts. I didn't look at her, in fact, facing away, while she was talking to me. It felt awful. Although it is a very tricky line, and I don't want to blame a woman for wearing something, I do think in some rare cases women are being very manipulative with what they wear, turning it into a kind of power play. Mainly I'm thinking of low-cut tops or things that show off cleavage, because it's really hard to even talk to somebody without noticing that. I don't want to generalize, but in some situations, I think @Jem Ofaguy has a point.
Your response resonates learning2remember
 
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