The issue of this therapist from 25 years ago came up again with my current therapist. For some reason I have a really hard time letting go of this experience. I'm doing some writing, and I realize I was very vulnerable, confused, and fragile. I was new to recovery, and he was one of the first people I opened up to about my sexuality issues. I trusted him, and I took his word as authority.I understand being let down by people in authority. TRIGGERS: One of the things that led to my abuse was being told by a college instructor that all men are rapists. I accepted that after an internal struggle, and my abusive wife used that against me with a therapist who chose not to challenge my wife when she claimed that I had continuously raped her. It wasn't true and was part of a long campaign of gaslighting that eventually led to my abuse.
My takeaway: QUESTION AUTHORITY ALWAYS. You know yourself better than any tinpot therapist does.
When he told me I was really gay but wanted to be straight I felt so betrayed, confused, and angry. But I told myself that he must be right. I couldn't trust myself. Now, I am learning to trust myself and growing. But this memory still has power over me.
I'm mad that I didn't stick up for myself, that I just went along with him. What I know now is that I am me, period. No one can tell me who I am, especially regarding sexuality. That is a very personal decision. But I gave all my power to him and kicked myself under the rug. This is a pattern, believing others over myself, putting other people's opinions above mine. Being passive as a strategy to not cause conflict.
I wish I could go back and say, "you have no business labelling me. Only I can do that
You don't know what is inside of me. You don't know how I feel. You are a bad therapist and you should learn more about sexuality issues. You should learn more about me, you didn't even ask about my childhood. You know nothing about the abuse, and all of the bad sexual stuff I experienced. Yes, I find guys attractive, and I find women more attractive. Claiming a label, or not claiming a label is my choice. How dare you say I'm gay but I can get married if I'm honest. I was with the love of my life at this point, who is now my wife. I told you about her. If I made you uncomfortable you should have referred me to someone else. Identifying as gay, bi, straight, or none of the above is up to me, not you."
It's embarrassing that this still bothers me, but I have to process it so I can move on.