Woke up feeling good...

flying

Registrant
I understand being let down by people in authority. TRIGGERS: One of the things that led to my abuse was being told by a college instructor that all men are rapists. I accepted that after an internal struggle, and my abusive wife used that against me with a therapist who chose not to challenge my wife when she claimed that I had continuously raped her. It wasn't true and was part of a long campaign of gaslighting that eventually led to my abuse.

My takeaway: QUESTION AUTHORITY ALWAYS. You know yourself better than any tinpot therapist does.
The issue of this therapist from 25 years ago came up again with my current therapist. For some reason I have a really hard time letting go of this experience. I'm doing some writing, and I realize I was very vulnerable, confused, and fragile. I was new to recovery, and he was one of the first people I opened up to about my sexuality issues. I trusted him, and I took his word as authority.

When he told me I was really gay but wanted to be straight I felt so betrayed, confused, and angry. But I told myself that he must be right. I couldn't trust myself. Now, I am learning to trust myself and growing. But this memory still has power over me.

I'm mad that I didn't stick up for myself, that I just went along with him. What I know now is that I am me, period. No one can tell me who I am, especially regarding sexuality. That is a very personal decision. But I gave all my power to him and kicked myself under the rug. This is a pattern, believing others over myself, putting other people's opinions above mine. Being passive as a strategy to not cause conflict.

I wish I could go back and say, "you have no business labelling me. Only I can do that
You don't know what is inside of me. You don't know how I feel. You are a bad therapist and you should learn more about sexuality issues. You should learn more about me, you didn't even ask about my childhood. You know nothing about the abuse, and all of the bad sexual stuff I experienced. Yes, I find guys attractive, and I find women more attractive. Claiming a label, or not claiming a label is my choice. How dare you say I'm gay but I can get married if I'm honest. I was with the love of my life at this point, who is now my wife. I told you about her. If I made you uncomfortable you should have referred me to someone else. Identifying as gay, bi, straight, or none of the above is up to me, not you."

It's embarrassing that this still bothers me, but I have to process it so I can move on.
 

flying

Registrant
I keep adding to this, but I realized that today is Mother's day. This brings up feelings of sadness with my mom, because she sexualized me at a very early age. I never trusted her. I never felt like she was a real mom. I didn't feel like I could lean on her, or be comforted by her. I held a lot in growing up, putting up a facade of happiness and not being sad. The stuff with the old therapist is frustrating. But I feel like the core issues are much older and deeper. They begin around age 3, with my mom. That's when my parents got divorced. That's when my older sister decided I was the reason her life sucked, and she wanted to kill me for the next 15 years. That's when I stopped feeling safe with my mom, when I didn't feel like a little boy, but something she needed something from. I am still trying to have the feelings of sadness without shutting down. I spoke with her today and it was nice, but also uncomfortable, as usual.
 

Tom E.

Registrant
flying
You are right, you decide who you are., not some "therapist". They are supposed to help you & guide you to do this, not dictate to you. A gay "counselor" who I went to when I was 19 & messed up, fragile & struggling with coming out seduced me, well, actually he got me wasted & sexually assaulted me (I hate the word rape) .. so not all so called therapists are good or have the best intentions.
 

flying

Registrant
Thanks Tom, for sharing your experience. That is horrible what happened to you. I feel like my therapist assaulted me psychologically. I too was 19 and messed up when I saw this therapist. Thanks again for sharing
 

KMCINVA

Registrant
Flying

People label people to take the burden off themselves. Labels give power to those who try to label a person. I have lived much and truly understand how it feels to be labeled. I have been labeled for something I am not. I heard words, I know you are...., or you are this....., Sorry I am not what they label me. By labeling me it takes the heat off them for their actions and words. I have learned to shrug labels. People are people and deserve to be recognized for their compassion, kindness, love and other positive and negative attributes. How did the therapist know you were gay--he did not but was projecting his biases and perceptions onto you. You are right only you can label who you are. I have been labeled gay despite being in a loving nontraditional relationship with a woman who understood CSA, trauma, PTSD and knew compassion and love were the key and not labels or inflicting triggers. They can call their labels without understanding CSA, trauma, PTSD, imprinting, etc. to divert attention away from triggers inflicted over and over, spiraling me downward into dissociative fugues. I let them label and push me. Today no one will push me down again because I support and love. It is a wonderful feeling to feel safe and not threatened.

Stand your ground, labels are meaningless and remember those that label you are running from their own truths.

Kevin
 

flying

Registrant
Flying

People label people to take the burden off themselves. Labels give power to those who try to label a person. I have lived much and truly understand how it feels to be labeled. I have been labeled for something I am not. I heard words, I know you are...., or you are this....., Sorry I am not what they label me. By labeling me it takes the heat off them for their actions and words. I have learned to shrug labels. People are people and deserve to be recognized for their compassion, kindness, love and other positive and negative attributes. How did the therapist know you were gay--he did not but was projecting his biases and perceptions onto you. You are right only you can label who you are. I have been labeled gay despite being in a loving nontraditional relationship with a woman who understood CSA, trauma, PTSD and knew compassion and love were the key and not labels or inflicting triggers. They can call their labels without understanding CSA, trauma, PTSD, imprinting, etc. to divert attention away from triggers inflicted over and over, spiraling me downward into dissociative fugues. I let them label and push me. Today no one will push me down again because I support and love. It is a wonderful feeling to feel safe and not threatened.

Stand your ground, labels are meaningless and remember those that label you are running from their own truths.

Kevin
Thank you Kevin, I appreciate your thoughts. I don't know why this experience from 25 years ago is bothering me. I feel like a kid emotionally around it. It almost feels like I dissociate and have a hard time trusting myself. Sort of like when I witnessed disgusting sexual things, or men tried to do things to me, my mind couldn't compute what was happening. I didn't trust myself and what I was feeling. Almost denying that it could be happening. So questioning my feelings and not trusting myself are old responses for me.

I've also been thinking about my mom and it brings up sadness. Wanting a regular relationship with my mom, but not feeling safe with her.

Thanks again for the encouragement.
Ben
 

flying

Registrant
Thank you Kevin, I appreciate your thoughts. I don't know why this experience from 25 years ago is bothering me. I feel like a kid emotionally around it. It almost feels like I dissociate and have a hard time trusting myself. Sort of like when I witnessed disgusting sexual things, or men tried to do things to me, my mind couldn't compute what was happening. I didn't trust myself and what I was feeling. Almost denying that it could be happening. So questioning my feelings and not trusting myself are old responses for me.

I've also been thinking about my mom and it brings up sadness. Wanting a regular relationship with my mom, but not feeling safe with her.

Thanks again for the encouragement.
Ben
Forgot to mention that this is causing me to want to escape into sex chatrooms because of depression and wanting an escape.
 
Top