Withdrawal, abandonment, trust

[Abby]

Hi, Id like to kindly ask male survivors here a question. How do you balance the need for withdrawal/space with the fear to be abandoned? What signs do you consider as safe to receive from people to feel you can trust them and you wont be abandoned i.e. the relationship wont fail during the rejecting moments?

For my personal experience as CSA survivor, even during my bad moods or desperate moments, when I do prefer to not have much interact with the world, I always appreciate when people call or write me even simply to say Im here if you like. It always reinforces my trust in those persons; even if it happens I am not willing to talk, the fact that somebody shows care for me is of great help and it pushes often me to try to overcome the bad mood and start interacting again. If somebody tells me once in a while I am close to you but then leaves me alone for a long time knowing I am in a difficult moment, I tend to lose trust in him/her, even if I understand he/she could be in good faith or maybe busy with his/her own life, and quiet surely I wont be the one to reprise contacts. My belief to be unworthy I know its a matter of CSA, but I cant help it is only reinforced by my fear to be abandoned. People insisting in contacting me only to say hello is to me relieving, it shows me they really care and I am maybe worthy and theres hope in my life. I would run away if persons would ask me details or reasons of my feelings if I dont feel for talking, but in case they simply show their care and support its one of the most powerful inputs to me to make steps forward and rebuild my trust especially when Im down or in pain. I mean, its true that when the abuse memories and feelings try to overcome me I like to be alone, but at the same time I contradict myself hoping people who really care for me would not abandon me. Its a way for me also to understand who I can really trust or not for allowing closeness.

I wonder if my feelings are shared by other survivors, especially men. It would be of great help to me.

Abby

 

[reality2k4]

Abby, it is a hard question, one that we need to address within ourselves. I think as time goes on, we learn to push those who love us away, it is not what we ultimately want, but we can sometimes distinguish love with hurt subconsciously.

In my mind, I think, oh, you can never see what is really happening inside, so don't try and fix it.

Sadly it gives way to losing the very relationships that could be so good for us, but we sometimes feel unworthy, or unsure about our future. We sometimes feel that we could only be a burden within a relationship, that we don't deserve the love.

I cannot touch all the might be's in this short reply, but I hope you can find other answers,

take care,

ste

 

[Lloydy]

Abby
perhaps the real issue is the eternal difference between women and men?

I don't think we're as comfortable in giving off these signals, or telling someone.
We seem to 'know' this stuff but never actually say it.

My best friend and I have both had our problems, mine's CSA of course, his a divorce from hell.
Bue just 'know' that when one of us retreats into ourselves then the other says nothing, but keeps a close watch. When we're needed, we're there for each other.

My wife and her friend will talk about similar situations though.

Dave