Wishing life away!
reality2k4
Registrant
I guess days and weeks just seem to fly by.
Depression is probably the cause of that, and I get mad at myself, for all the things I put off, then forget to even do.
I think of something I would love to do, then find 100 ways to say dont do it.
Lack of motivation is what causes it.
Not being able to work adds to it.
I guess though, I was burning the candle each end, and the middle too in the past.
I just am glad that a lot of stressors are now in the past, and wonder how I had the strength to endure what I was going through.
This also flashes back into the past distance, when I found myself wishing I was older, every day of the week.
I needed to be bigger and stronger to face abusers.
I was thinking just now, my abusive brother is in my home, and I dont exist in his eyes, never did.
He is boasting about going on holiday, and money etc to my mother.
He taught my boyhood friends to think I was cookie, which some of them bought, most didnt.
Even his friends were told by him that I was a strange kid to know, until I told them it is him who if freakin strange.
The strange thing is, he knows he cannot abuse me no more, but he will still have a go.
I am the only one who could get the family together, but it would mean forgiving him.
All those years as a kid, I kept the family together, even begging my father not to leave home.
I blamed all of that on me, nobody else, but I grew to dispise my brother for what he did.
I just got sick of the fact that my siblings could go to school most days and have a carefree life, when I wanted to go but couldnt.
I was always at some hospital, for what!
All those docs said there was nothing wrong, and an 11yo isnt gonna tell them what is going on.
I was just crying inside for one of them docs to take me aside and say it.
Even when they do know, they dont have a cure for it,
ste
Depression is probably the cause of that, and I get mad at myself, for all the things I put off, then forget to even do.
I think of something I would love to do, then find 100 ways to say dont do it.
Lack of motivation is what causes it.
Not being able to work adds to it.
I guess though, I was burning the candle each end, and the middle too in the past.
I just am glad that a lot of stressors are now in the past, and wonder how I had the strength to endure what I was going through.
This also flashes back into the past distance, when I found myself wishing I was older, every day of the week.
I needed to be bigger and stronger to face abusers.
I was thinking just now, my abusive brother is in my home, and I dont exist in his eyes, never did.
He is boasting about going on holiday, and money etc to my mother.
He taught my boyhood friends to think I was cookie, which some of them bought, most didnt.
Even his friends were told by him that I was a strange kid to know, until I told them it is him who if freakin strange.
The strange thing is, he knows he cannot abuse me no more, but he will still have a go.
I am the only one who could get the family together, but it would mean forgiving him.
All those years as a kid, I kept the family together, even begging my father not to leave home.
I blamed all of that on me, nobody else, but I grew to dispise my brother for what he did.
I just got sick of the fact that my siblings could go to school most days and have a carefree life, when I wanted to go but couldnt.
I was always at some hospital, for what!
All those docs said there was nothing wrong, and an 11yo isnt gonna tell them what is going on.
I was just crying inside for one of them docs to take me aside and say it.
Even when they do know, they dont have a cure for it,
ste