Wishing I were anyone other than who I am...

[Dust]

The following is my thoughts put into writing of where I think I currently am in recovery.

All my life I've been suffering from a syndrome called "Not being comfortable in my own skin." No doubt, this comes from a deep seeded belief about not having any self-worth and a deep seeded lack of self-acceptance. I look back on my life and see some of the ways this syndrome has manifested itself.

One of the ways it has is the constant barrage of unfavorable comparisons I make of myself to others whom I must feel are "better" than me, and obsessing over some vague yet real and intrinsic "flaw" that I absolutely must possess. These comparisons have always functioned to make me feel anxious and shameful. And they worked very well throughout my life.

These kind of comparisons are a no-win situation because they are done simply to confirm the pre-existing belief that I am not as good as others. Yet, it seems I am compelled and condemned to make these comparisons.

I believe I am able to see this issue clearer now because of the work I've been doing on shame and trying to focus on the positive. I believe that my unconscious beliefs have been such that I have been compelled to focus only on the negative "confirming evidence" of my being "less than".

The other night I had a dream of my therapist and I getting ready to have my session in the basement of my house. In my dream, my basement, however, was under construction, barren, bright, and completely white. In my dream, I told my therapist that my basement was under construction. We sat down to start my session and my therapist revealed a section of my basement that I was unaware of. It had depth to it and objects in it and was generally more inviting and easier to look at than the rest of my basement.

I'm taking this dream to mean that my unconscious (as represented by my basement) is being restructured in some way by therapy. Perhaps what I've been doing is cleaning out all the "junk" of my unconscious and am now working on repopulating it with healthier beliefs, as represented by what my therapist revealed to me in my dream. There's certainly hope in that meaning.

When we uncover long held and deeply seeded negative beliefs about ourselves one is then charged with a responsibility (if one is to get stronger) to try to dispute these beliefs when they are noticed. My struggle lately has been trying to do just that. I like to think I am making some headway. Thanks for listening.

 

[CelloL]

Many times I've wished I were someone else, but in recent years I've come to think if I were someone else there are certain people I wouldn't have known and if I were someone else I wouldn't be ME! So maybe better to stick with me and try to change what I don't like where possible.

 

[Chris4TheMill]

I just wrote about this issue and others for about the last hour in my journaling. I grew up in the 60's and 70's when masculinity meant a big hairy chest, muscles, cocky attitude, and ability to seduce women with ease. I watched helplessly as boys and men around me began to achieve that, while I desperately longed to be that kind of man and never could. That and many other experiences and losses planted a deep sense of shame and fear and lostness in me growing up.

 

[Dust]

Hello gentlemen, thanks for reading and responding. It seems we've had and have similar issues. I caught a glimpse of what self-acceptance must feel like early today. While in my usual state of wishing I were more like someone else, I had the fleeting thought of actually liking the way I am, just the way I am (as Mister Rogers used to say). It was a novel thought, and one that I'd like to have more often. I think this experience is what prompted me to post my thoughts regarding this aspect of my personality and recovery.

You know I recently read somewhere that the concept of having a "flaw" is a fallacy. The reasoning went something like this: Since there is nothing perfect in the world there can be nothing that is flawed, since having a flaw implies that we could have or should have been able to achieve a state that doesn't exist. It made sense to me. Applying this to recovery, you can say that what we normally think of as our flaws can more accurately be described as things that make us human.

 

[Ceremony]

Yes to you all. Especially Chris.

The view of redoing things in my head is what resonated about the process. Whatever manifests now, I'm more willing to seek it. The daring to be me, is to push that awkward sense that I have some worth. It's very foreign and odd... and the shame, or guilt I feel has to be pushed away. I don't want to look at myself either, or it may not stick.

This new and awkward part, I hope gets a bit better in time. That I can see it happens is why I'm sharing.

Thank you guys.

 

[Dust]

Hi Ceremony. It seems to me we are in a very similar place regarding this issue. Glad you shared your experience here. Yes, pushing the shame away is a very good way to describe what it feels like to try to replace the "wishing I were more like someone else" feeling with self-acceptance. It's can definitely be a struggle.

 

[Dust]

The daring to be me, is to push that awkward sense that I have some worth. It's very foreign and odd... and the shame, or guilt I feel has to be pushed away. I don't want to look at myself either, or it may not stick.

One way that I have been trying to push for self-acceptance is to try to be as honest with myself and others as I can. Like, for instance, admitting that I have this problem with self-acceptance. It's a paradox that admitting such a thing can be a way of gaining more self-acceptance.

 

[CelloL]

I grew up in the 60's and 70's when masculinity meant a big hairy chest, muscles, cocky attitude, and ability to seduce women with ease.

So that's what's wrong with me! Without a hairy chest I've felt lacking in masculinity. (Although my wife assures me she has never been into hairy guys.) Not interested in athletics, polite to people (although they have to put up with my puns), and being from a strict religious family seducing women was a no-no. So, I felt very much lacking in being a real man.

Then again, I saw my dad be the bread winner, treat my mother respectfully, honor his in-laws, do chores around the house and yard, and be supportive of his sons. He was a good role model as head of the household. Because of that, my wife tells me I love her well.

 

[Dust]

I grew up in the 60's and 70's when masculinity meant a big hairy chest, muscles, cocky attitude, and ability to seduce women with ease. I watched helplessly as boys and men around me began to achieve that, while I desperately longed to be that kind of man and never could.

Thanks for the insight.

TRIGGERS

Isn't it interesting that our difficulties with self-acceptance can ultimately come down to how good we are sexually. For me this is very true. What this has meant for me historically and presently is a constant wish that I was born with a "bigger penis". How symbolic it is too, that something I have no control over and isn't my "fault", so to speak, is the main area where shame, self-rejection, and wishing I were someone else has shown up in my life. It's as if I were to "blame" in some way for not having "a big one". This dynamic sounds a lot like our inevitable initial reactions to abuse. There's a certain helplessness and hopelessness in how this has played out throughout my life. Nevertheless, it's good that we can talk about these issues here.

 

[Tom E.]

so true, same with me. It's hard work getting to liking or loving yourself or at least accepting yourself as you are.

 

[Dust]

It's hard work getting to liking or loving yourself or at least accepting yourself as you are.

For sure! I like how we can talk openly about these issues here. I think being open and honest regarding our issues is important to help get closer to self-acceptance. It also somehow helps ease the shame and isolation to know that others share similar experiences. Thank you.

 

[Chris4TheMill]

Yes, I wanted to circle back on this topic. [Triggers]

Then again, I saw my dad be the bread winner, treat my mother respectfully, honor his in-laws, do chores around the house and yard, and be supportive of his sons. He was a good role model as head of the household. Because of that, my wife tells me I love her well.

CelloL is of course correct, there are many other attributes to what makes a “real man” or especially, a good man, that have little to do with physical or sexual. However, growing up I saw that the girls or women didn’t seem to care about these other attributes much, they wanted the “hot” guy. I still see that, and can see that this has traumatized me in a way. And so, it has been psychologically hard to uproot the unfortunate template of ‘masculinity’ that I developed.

The daring to be me, is to push that awkward sense that I have some worth. It's very foreign and odd... and the shame, or guilt I feel has to be pushed away…I hope gets a bit better in time

Yes, Ceremony is right, and I have found the same. I find myself often torn between a new stronger sense of self, and an awkwardness because I don’t “measure up” physically or sexually. They are both at odds with each other and yet both are fighting for domination. The best I can do right now is to push through and continue to exercise whatever confidence and assertiveness I have, and see where it takes me in each situation. And fight back the doubts in my mind…. It does get easier the more you try, but that doesn’t mean you are feeling all that comfortable yet in your own skin.

TRIGGERS Isn't it interesting that our difficulties with self-acceptance can ultimately come down to how good we are sexually.

Yes! Well, for me I’ve been kind of sexually obsessed since I was 11. And so as I mentioned earlier, as I grew up, the way I saw it, girls and women were responding to the man who had that raw, primal, masculine sexual energy and confidence. The whole penis envy thing was certainly a big part of it (no pun intended, lol). So I was obsessed too with the things I could change as well as the ones I could not.

To my utter disappointment, I would change the things I could and try to be "that guy," but I would just fail utterly. So for example I lifted weights in high school and got very big for awhile. I also got more confident at approaching girls for dances, dates, etc. The girls, however – couldn’t have cared less! I was still the same person to them. I was crushed by that. Situations like that made me feel very insecure and hurt my confidence. I would continually work on myself and get better, but it never seems to be enough for a lot of people. So the only hope I have really is to find ways to accept myself and be content with myself somehow. Because if I wait around for others to stamp me with their "approved" label, then I am a fool because it won't ever happen the way I would hope it would.

 

[Dust]

So the only hope I have really is to find ways to accept myself and be content with myself somehow. Because if I wait around for others to stamp me with their "approved" label, then I am a fool because it won't ever happen the way I would hope it would.

Hi Chris. You bring up a good point again. In short, that we seek to gain external approval in order to feel acceptable to ourselves. I agree, just to be able to stop doing this would be a step closer to self-acceptance. Like you perhaps, it seems to me I've always been compelled to do such things (e.g. a better body, education, etc.), just as I am compelled to make unfavorable comparisons with others and to wish I was different than I am. I agree, this doesn't work. It's only self-rejection manifesting itself in our thoughts and behavior. The journey toward self-acceptance is a struggle, but one that I'm sure would be worth the struggle the closer and closer we get to it.

 

[CelloL]

This thread reminds that I often feel inferior when being around other men. If all of you and I were in the same room I'd be incredibly uncomfortable. I feel like an imposter and I have felt that way about other aspects of my life, such as being a musician. Even though I teach private lessons and students often tell me how much they have learned and even some tell me I should be teaching on the university level, there is a part of me that wonders if I'll be exposed as a fake some day.

 

[Dust]

This thread reminds that I often feel inferior when being around other men.

Hi Cello. It's interesting to hear of your perspective and others on the issue of struggles with self-acceptance and feeling less than. Judging by the reactions here, including my own, it seems to attach itself to areas of vulnerability. Areas where we fall short of the societal ideals that we have internalize from being members of our society, whether they be masculine ideals like sexual abilty/attractiveness and toughness and/or more general social ideals like popularity and social ability. Self-acceptance is indeed a struggle. It's all we can do just not to beat ourselves up over our perceived "flaws". I put flaws in quotes and stress the word perceived because there really is no such thing as an ideal or perfection. They are just abstractions that serve the purpose of helping us to reject ourselves or die trying to reach the unattainable. And since there really is nothing perfect there also is no such thing as a flaw either. What I am working on is trying not to put the power of self-acceptance into other peoples hands and views of me. This has never worked and won't ever work. Just to be clear, I share your feeling of inferiority in multiple areas of life.

 

[Chris4TheMill]

...there is a part of me that wonders if I'll be exposed as a fake some day.

CelloL, it might help to realize that this is a very common feeling that people tend to have, not just survivors. I have heard this feeling talked about by CEO's, mothers, fathers, artists and musicians, actors, athletes, all kinds of people. So we all feel it to some degree and probably worse at different times.

 

[Imjusthere]

I too suffer from this, but I've gotten so comfortable with it, that it became who I'm am. I too have been challenging this and thats part of what led me to coming back to MS. I encourage you to keep up the work, I heard its worth the effort.

In Recovery--IJT

 

[Dust]

What I am working on is trying not to put the power of self-acceptance into other peoples hands and views of me.

I better state my goal above in the positive by saying what I am working on is learning to put the power of self-acceptance in my own hands.

 

[Dust]

I too suffer from this, but I've gotten so comfortable with it, that it became who I'm am. I too have been challenging this and thats part of what led me to coming back to MS. I encourage you to keep up the work, I heard its worth the effort.

In Recovery--IJT

Thank you.

 

[CelloL]

CelloL, it might help to realize that this is a very common feeling that people tend to have, not just survivors. I have heard this feeling talked about by CEO's, mothers, fathers, artists and musicians, actors, athletes, all kinds of people. So we all feel it to some degree and probably worse at different times.

Ah yes, and I'm a musician. However, I also think the frequent bullying by an older brother (5 years older) didn't help. For example, he would grill me on what he learned that day in school and then tell me how stupid I was for not knowing the answer. He would tear me down as much as he could. He set me up for other abuse.

Later on my phobias and panic disorder as they escalated drove me away from my goal of being a professional symphony musician, toward which I had worked so very hard. So while that is no longer my goal, there is still a part of me that feels like a failure.