winning
Landis won the Tour DFrance after the world had written him off. Time and again, he had every reason to give up, and he didnt. I was just considering the lowest point in my life, and it struck me that like Floyd, I never quit fighting. All my life I have considered myself a quitter because I wasnt the way I thought I should be. I saw myself as weak, but you know what? I was one fighting son-of-a-gun. I never quit.
Through things I dont even like to speak of, I fought against myself. I fought to cling to God. I fought for my life against depression, suicidal thoughts, self-hate. I am a warrior. Just because I didnt push myself as hard as I would have liked at times, I got down on myself. The thing I missed is my friends all had rest and peace, and I never had any. They could train and race, and go home and recover. I could never recover. I could never rest. When I went home I faced a fight to just get through another day. I had to fight the urge to put a shell in my gun and end it. I had to fight off the inner voices telling me I was perverted and evil. I had to fight and fight.
In the end, I won. I beat the son-of-a-bitches. I beat my abuser, my sexual problems, my depression, and my affection and intimacy problems. I beat them all. I am happy and whole despite everything trying to destroy me. I beat my verbally abusive father. I beat my fear of children. I found my faith. I am rebuilding my health. I beat that cancer. I am not a quitter or loser. I am a winner. Too bad I wasted so many years believing otherwise, and too bad it took comforting a friend for me to realize that I have won.
**standing on podium, arms raised, holding my trophy**
I am a winner!!!
Through things I dont even like to speak of, I fought against myself. I fought to cling to God. I fought for my life against depression, suicidal thoughts, self-hate. I am a warrior. Just because I didnt push myself as hard as I would have liked at times, I got down on myself. The thing I missed is my friends all had rest and peace, and I never had any. They could train and race, and go home and recover. I could never recover. I could never rest. When I went home I faced a fight to just get through another day. I had to fight the urge to put a shell in my gun and end it. I had to fight off the inner voices telling me I was perverted and evil. I had to fight and fight.
In the end, I won. I beat the son-of-a-bitches. I beat my abuser, my sexual problems, my depression, and my affection and intimacy problems. I beat them all. I am happy and whole despite everything trying to destroy me. I beat my verbally abusive father. I beat my fear of children. I found my faith. I am rebuilding my health. I beat that cancer. I am not a quitter or loser. I am a winner. Too bad I wasted so many years believing otherwise, and too bad it took comforting a friend for me to realize that I have won.
**standing on podium, arms raised, holding my trophy**
I am a winner!!!
