Will x-mas always be rough
With x-mas around the corner i find myself feeling real confrontational and although i could perhaps tie it to csa when do you draw the line in the sand and move on with your life even though its so painful.My family (lack thereof) invited me over their house and i told them "NO" and they let it go, i truly am fine with this because x-mas is only another day for me but as a result i am always triggered to either want to cause problems and keep the very people who are part of my makeup away but also wanting them to understand how much i hate and not look forward to the very holiday that "brings it all back for me" emotionally but also bring families closer during a time of togetherness that i know nothing about or even a clue how this holiday should feel.The problem with x-mas nowadays is people make it to be more then it really is and the only ones who it(x-mas) should be for are the children and yet even they get lost in all the bullshit that goes on.Lately over the last week i have not been able to sleep at all i'm up all night till at least 4AM and i hate this becuase i know alot of the reason i struggle is the way in which i feel and felt as a child that wanted so much and got nothing in return.Is how i am feeling a normal part of the process and will it get better as time goes by and lessen the emotional impact it has had on me all these years.
Coopstah
Coopstah