Will someone please post something positive about their healing journey?

Will someone please post something positive about their healing journey?
J

jjt

Registrant
Hi everyone. I'm about 2 months into therapy and just at the very begining of my journey of confronting my past. It seems most of come to this board at a low, low, low moment (like myself) to find support and advice. I just want to thank everyone for sharing their stories b/c for the first time I realize what I'm thinking/feeling is "normal" and I'm not alone.

That being said, I thought it would be nice if I could hear from men that are farther along in their healing process. Although sometimes it's comforting to read that I'm not alone, it's also so very depressing reading story after story of another life wrecked. I have read Victims No Longer and Abused Boys, and while they are insightful I'd REALLY like to hear from stories of hope. If there is someone out there who has managed to crawl out of the "black hole" much of us are in can you PLEASE tell us about your life now??? Let us know how you have changed through your healing process to become a happier person from when you first began therapy?? I would really love to hear something encouraging to let me know that with hard work I can come out of this okay.

Thanks,
jjt
 
Something positive ok

I am to the point where I see magic.

When you come out of the funk it appears all around you, and life begins to look a little more well magical.

The other day I saw baby ducks huddled together on a rock.

I saw an inchworm climbing up his thread of silk. He was climbing about half an inch a minute and had about ten feet to go. But he kept going. (I gave him a hand even though he insisted he didnt need it)

I saw butterflies chasing each other.

I saw the teenager in the face of my nine-year-old girl.

I recover from anger in minutes not days.

I think when we finally slow down and stop running, we see the beautiful things we were missing all along. I hope that helps. Click the quote below and it will take you to my survivor story, which may help as well.

Feel free to PM me if you have any particular questions.

Hang in there.
 
Jjt,

I wrote a little more of my Story in the Survivor Stories section, too. My Story goes on . So does yours.

Thanks,

Joe
 
My friend,

These aren't easy days for me right now, but there are a few things I can honestly say are better.

I know the truth.

I can move on from it.

I can be happy, at peace, content, in the moment.

I have my ability to fight back.

I can ALWAYS find hope.

I've rediscovered God. Not "blind faith." Not "everything is wonderful because I've found Jesus!" Not "Praise God, the Lord is Mighty!" But the knowledge that God is with me, that there IS a plan, that SOMEONE is listening, and it may not be in the WAY I'd like, but my prayers are being ANSWERED.

I won't allow ANYONE to be hurt as I was again, if I have anything to say about it.

There are answers everywhere, even in the comics or the movies.

Just a few things I have rediscovered. I AM better for starting recovery.

Peace and love, my friend.

Scot
 
JJT - if you had seen me last December as a 46 year old who had finally broken after years of denial, you would have seen an animal in a pit! I was a frightened little 12 year old trying to cope in an adult world.

If you saw me and spoke to me now you would not recognise me as that same person.

I am now very much on the up and just turned 47.

Only recently:

1/ My Boss has told me how much I seem to have taken control of my department at work (how the hell I managed to get one in the first place I don't know).

2/ People at work have commented on how cheerful I am & what's happened to me!

3/ People that know about the abuse (that was the biggest fear telling anyone) say that I am a very strong person & so do people that don't know. I don't always see it but when I think about it they are right.

4/ I can laugh with everyone else again.

5/ I can now go to places that are full of strangers without feeling constantly on edge.

6/ I believe in myself again.

7/ I am now cleaning out years of junk from my house as I also clean out the junk from my mind.

6/ I feel alive....more to the point I actually allow myself to feel emotions again - the ice is thawing.

How did this happen?

* I took the most terrifying steps ever when I knew I was about to finally crack:
1/ I told my Doctor
2/ I told my Boss (She got me a shrink).
3/ I told my best friends that new vaguely about the abuse that I had finally lost the plot.
4/ I accepted help instead of just being the good samaritan running around protecting everyone else.
5/ I started to gradually believe the positive things that people said to me and about me.
6/ I found this site and accepted the support I found here.
7/ I directed the blame towards my perp for the first time ever... I WAS NOT TO BLAME.
8/ Like Roland said - I started to notice the beauty that is all around us... I have created a very picturesque little garden at the front of my house to give some of that beauty back to others that pass by.
9/ I reclaimed the sites of my abuse very recently - this was the big one & it took several weeks for me to even realise the internal process that was going on in my mind afterwards. I believe that this was the final step....I was the ugly non-descript chrysalis turning into a butterfly (well maybe a moth, but you get the picture).

Hard work and self belief...it's a lot of effort, but words cannot describe how much better I feel. It's not perfect & I don't expect that it ever will be, but I am very much alive again... not bad considering that I was little more than a zombie last December. I never gave up on myself & I also realise now how much I mean to everyone else in my life.

Take a look in the mirror JJT and smile at the person you see there. Keep smiling & say I can do this also!

Best wishes ...Rik

*ps - I still have my moments, but I have learned to recognise them creeping up on me & that allows me to take action to limit the punch they carry!
 
We all wonder what life would be like if certain things didnt happen.

I realized I am becoming the person I was meant to be.
 
I do agree that sometimes our healing journey can get pretty rough and it is good to hear the "positives". Actually I've been in a rough spot lately but think I'm moving out of it. I would have to credit some cranial sacral sessions that I have had because they helped me recenter and refocus myself.

This weekend (still can't believe I've got the courage to do this) I will be going to a workshop on the Enteric Brain. I won't explain it here but will post something else that will explain it more. Anyway it has to do with body memories and unlocking those so that you free up the body. The facilitator of this workshop is also a "survivor" which he said he doesn't even like to use that word now because all of this is in such a distant past part of his life. When I told him about my paralysis in 1991, he completely understood and that was the first time since it happened that someone understood it. Medical doctors never could fully explain it or figure out what to do with it and if it wouldn't have been for my fighting spirit, I would still be paralyzed today.

Anyway, it was good to talk to this facilitator and I'm looking forward to the workshop. He is aware of my past and has said that we will make sure this is a safe environment. I know one other person that will be there but I am so glad I have gotten to a point in my life and my healing that I can do this. I know that there are things locked within my body from the daily onslaught of abuse that I received from a little boy on up. And it is those things that I want to now get out of my body so I can be free to experience life the way it should be experienced.

But it was nice to talk to someone else about my past in a way that just didn't take me under. And maybe for the first time in my life since the paralysis, I will begin to understand what the paralysis was all about. I remember that very little was done in the way of recovery because I really don't think the medical doctors knew what to do.

Anyway, keep putting one foot in front of the other.

Oh, I also write an "encouragement and inspirational" quote each day for a yahoo group I have. Some days it is tough for me to do that but by doing it, it helps me to focus on the good in life and not just the bad.

If you wish to check it out, go to
https://groups.yahoo.com/group/Encouragement_and_Inspiration/

And then there is my music as well which keeps me going. It is one of my outlets that helps me communicate in ways that words just don't allow me to. In fact for the first time in my life, I put a CD together and just ordered 100 copies of it to sell... another big first for me because in the past I haven't seen my music or anything that I did, good enough to share with others..

And if you want to check my music out,
https://www.tropicalhands.com/music or https://music.download.com/donshetterly

Ok... I'll stop here.... save more for another day!

Don
 
I agree with you, we all need to do this more often, because no matter where we are in this whole process we are going through we will all have some bad times along the way, and hearing about success and hope can be a really big deal.

So, first of all, congratulations on taking the steps you have so far. I remember how hard it was for me to join MS and post things, even though no one in those days knew who I was. And I found this place after I had been working on things for an awful long time.

But to the hope part. My life today is wonderful. It is far better than I ever imagined it could possibly be. Despite things like a divorce and all that entails, and being at the bottom of the bottom, with work, dedication and perserverance, you can reclaim and enjoy your life.

I want you to know that I personally never, never, never believed that. Despite what I was told by my therapist, doctor, and what others here and in books and elsewhere said, I never believed I could truly be happy with me and my life.

I just hoped I would get to a point where I could cope and not be sad and lonely and depressed all the time. I never imagined actually enjoying life and friends and relationships and peaple and all that is out there.

But slowly and with a lot of work, a lot of help, some meds when I needed them, a good doc, therapist and good friends, life is very very good.

I have done things I never imagined. I have told my family about the abuse. I have told friends and whomever seems appropriate at the time, and most recently I wrote to the local paper and now everyone knows.

And you know what, I am not scared or bothered, a little nerveous at times but still I don't keep secrets anymore.

I am reconnecting with old friends and making new ones. I went to the MS conf. last year, talk about a hard thing to do for the first time, but it was wonderful and I will never miss another one.

I enjoy my time alone, I enjoy being at home alone and being with my dog, and I enjoy time with friends and family. I hardly ever watch TV anymore, and if you had known me you would know how odd that is. I was a news junkie. Now I have no idea what the latest dirt on the senator from idaho is and I don't care. I find I have plenty of other things to do rather than watch TV, including just sitting on the deck and watching the sun move.

I am also taking care of myself physically. I have been large all my life. I have never been in good physical shape, and again never thought I could be. But now, food is not an escape, and while I never went on a "diet" somewhere along the way eating healthy began to take hold and then came excersize.

The first time i went to the gym i rode a stationary bike for 4 yes 4 minutes and thought I was going to die. But I didn't.

Today I go 45 minutes on cardio stuff and spend about an hour on weight training. I work out almost every day and for a 40 year old, well, frankly I look pretty darn good, and am very proud of what I have accomplished.

I am happy, I smile alot, and laugh alot, I travel more than I ever have and am determined to make up for a lot of lost time for the rest of my days here.

So, keep it up, keep going, keep struggeling, keep working, and even when you just know that it is not worth it go one more day, and then one more and someday you will be writing this sort of thing for someone else.

Feel free to PM me anytime if you want.

All my best,
Brent.
 
jjt,

my improvements may not be as much as many others but i am only three months in to this after 31 years of hiding and repressing my abuse.

i understand myself better now and know my molester altered my life in everyway. some was good (workaholic for a while and got ahead), some was bad- (relationships, acting out, etc..)

i know now that i am not alone. i was not a fault. hell i was ten. i now know the magnitude of the problem. sure i knew it occurred, but never near as much as i know now.

i know my perp was a pedophile. he manipulated me, i was just a kid. i no longer feel like i asked for it or was naughty for doing it or even enjoying it at times.

i am happy now i told my ex g/f, my new therapist, and my female church friend who is also a survivor. they now know and can relate some as to why i am how i am some times.

i also know that i can get helaed whether it be completely or not. i have more strength as the truth has come out and been lifted off my shoulders. i no longer have to carry this deep dark secret with just myself.

i am happy that i have learned i am not a wierdo, psycho, or manic depressive as a whole. i am human and i have had a natural response to have been being repeatedly abused and violated as a young child by a "trusted" coach.

i am happy i read "the courage to heal", kind of directed toward women but good for all of us. it read me like a book in 80 to 85% of it, particularly the relationship aspect of it.

i am not thrilled that i am on an anti-depressant and anti-anxiety drug and have had a first panic attack about a month ago. i am o.k. though with the fact that when others including my co-workers have them or have had them, i will not doubt, judge, or be less than sympathetic and understanding. now i know exactly what is is like.

i and we have a long way to go.

lastly, i've learned to be more honest as a whole. i lived a lie hiding my abuse acting like eveything was o.k. with me. i am now not afraid of the truth, albeit i will trust very few people still. but three or five people now is better than two (my sister and brother) of whom i trusted not more than 3 months ago. an i mean full trust. i never had that.

anyhow, bless you and let's roll through this. there is pain, suffering, all kinds of shit. there is also beutiful things and great things that alot of our survivor brothers are accomplishing.

think of the small victories, the summation of them will add up. i am glad you posted your question. it is very good for me to see how far i have come in just 3.5 months. sure as hell have a way to go yet, but geese, 31 years of hiding it and having my person and being altered, i do not expect a miracle overnight.

take care and good luck my friend, guy
 
I think, seriously, that the Web Site Administrators need to add a new board dedicated to successes! We all feel them. You are right, there is A LOT of pain and anger here, it can not be helped. But, maybe, just maybe, the Powers That Be of MaleSurvivor will read this and start a new board for nothing but the good stuff!

My dear brother, this sucks and it hurts! There will be flashbacks and cycles of depression and so on. It is a rollercoaster. I can promise you, if you are working on healing, your rollercoaster seems to find a lot more peaks than valleys!

PEACE! LOVE! HOPE!

TJ :D
 
Great words of encouragement everyone. Thanks for posting them, it has been very uplifting for those of us new here to know that it WILL get better.
 
I am down right now. I had an emotional visit with my family at home, I confronted some demons, I argued with my mother. So I am down. Just down. Feeling sad, mad, hurt, upset, lonely. I'll live.

I joined here just over a year ago. Last year, right now, I would be in panic. I would be having flashbacks, hallucinations, would be hurting myself, drinking, near suicidal. It has gotten that much better. I would not have confronted who I did. I had not even told my mom of it, or anyone in 'real life'. I know that it is a hundred times better now. Not perfect. But better. Liveable. Ok.

Robert Frost (I think) said something like: 'I can sum up all I've learned about life in three words; it goes on'. Same as healing. It goes on. We go on. But I think the three words in respect to healing would be; it gets better.

Good luck to you.

Leosha
 
In order for me to tell my story I feel I have to start from the very beginning to show you how I was and then end up at the end to show you how I am.

The beginning of this story starts when I was six, during that summer my oldest brother, middle brother and cousine began to abuse me. Many games were played and because of them I became very confused.

My abuse went on untill I was nine, during that winter I was interviewed many times by school counsilers and police officers. I felt very bad and terrified. I did not know what to do. When I saw that my oldest brother was getting into trouble I told the authorities that I was not involved and I burried my emotions behind as many walls as I could.

By the time I hit puberty around 12 and 13 I became exstreamly depressed and isalated myself as much as I possably could. I was made fun of almost every day in school not only by piers but also by the teachers. I began to believe I was wothless and just wanted to die. I stopped carring about my appearence and would go sometimes a month without showering, at school when I would sit at a table to eat lunch everyone would get up and move to a different table to finish there meals.

I absolutly hated school and just wished more than anything for just one friend that would understand. During recess and breaks I would just walk around the halls with my head straight down at the floor trying despretly not to step on the cracks. My main goal was just to last the day without giving into the many thought out plans of suicide.

I had lost all my faith in God and was just compleatly infuriated because he let my brothers who was suppost to love me rape and tear me down.

At the time my mother was also going through a rough time and was very suicidal, she would constantly take off with all of my dads pills and try to kill her self. I always thought it was because of me that she wanted to die.

My dad has many health problems and all through my child hood we were in and out of hospitals because of them. Ever since I can remember I have been trying to prepair myself for his death.

Because of my dads health problems and my moms unstable mental health I was in and out of eight different foster homes. I felt so unwanted and compleatly alone. I had no one to talk to and no where to go I felt trapped and compleatly affraid.

Everything was going down hill, because of my extream hatred for school I got to the point were I would make myself sick just so I didn't have to go. And on the days where my parents forced me to go I would just leave and go somewhere else.

In order to survive I became really fond of nature and would just go on long walks in the mountains untill school ended then I would return home.

Because of my truency I brought alot of attention to myself from the courts. I was ordered by the judge to attend weekly sessions in therapy, issued a parol officer, and ordered to attend every day of school.

Now for the part you want to hear, By this time I was 15 and very angry. I started going to see the threapist which at the time I hated more than anything in the world. After awile I finally started to open up to him and told him about my abuse.

I went to that threapist for about two years and by that time I had accomplished so much it was unreal. I began to take more care of my appearence and started to see that I was a worthwhile person.

I have been in and out of therapy and have seen many different therapists but to go through all of that will take forever, if you want to know about it pm me and I will tell you all you would like to know. What I will tell you is that non of what I did was easy. I had to learn to love my self and come to terms with the fact that non of what happened to me was my fault. I have been diagnosed with PTSD, ADHD, and a couple other things that I do not agree with but thats not important. I have been on zoloft and found that it doesn't help much the things I rely on to help are, writing, nature, working on cars, work, and trying to gain a relationship with God. I have come to understand that God loves me and never wanted or encouraged my brother to do those things to me. I have become much better at talking with people and making friends and I can tell you that things are really looking up for me.

If it was not for therapy I would still be in a very bad place and would probally not be alive. I can not say many good things about medication but I can say that if you want it to be therapy can be the best thing you ever do. It takes alot of work on your part and alot of reminising about really bad memories. Having God apart of your life is extreamly helpful as well let him be your captain of your sails. There are many rough seas to travel but if you put forth all your eferts to succeed and trust in God and follow the paths your therapists create you will not lead a stray. Good luck to you my friend. I hope some of this helps.
 
i'm not sure there is an end. life as a whole is a journey of discovery, and i think healing is an ongoing journey. we can always do better, be better men and women.

when i came here, no one knew of my abuse. i had barely allowed myself to believe it. i was cheating on my wife, not physically, but cybering, and i was into porn up to my eyeballs. i was depressed, hopeless and falling apart.

with the support of many here, i came out to my wife, and in time i sought professional help. i have learned to open up and share, and have gotten over much of the shame and guilt i was feeling. slowly, i have started to like myself again, and that opened up a whole new challenge. liking yourself means that you are worthy and deserving of something more. it means facing shortcomings in your life, and figuring out how to get your needs and wants met. that is where i am as a whole. i am starting to love myself, but i still have a long road ahead.
 
jjt,

I'm a fairly recent member of MS. A few days ago, I thought I had made a mistake coming here because I was actually feeling worse than I did when I kept everything under wraps. I was in control then. It's was all about control. If I could keep the abuse inside, then I was in total control over it. In the few weeks that I have been coming to this site, I can now see that I was never in control of it. The abuse started out as a control issue over me, and it still has control over me! I don't control shit!! However, I have realized that there is a positive to all of this. While I may have a rough ride ahead facing this, for the first time in 31 years, I'm finally doing something about it. I'm facing the reality of my abuse. I'm making a conscious effort to take control over my abuse and move on with life. Even though it sounds and feels like a negative going through this experience, I'm HOPING that there is light at the end of each of our tunnels on this journey. That's a positive for me!!
 
JJT - to add to my earlier comments:

I think I know why my boss says that I have really taken control of my department!

In my role I have links with Managers of Other Departments i.e. Quality / Manufacturing Engineering etc. I am a Production Supervisor. Before I cracked up, I was a victim of sloping shoulders from the other departments....if someone said they didn't have time to do a report, I would do it for them.... it sometimes meant that I went home late while they went hoome on time. It doesn't happen anymore & I am quite prepared to tell them why they can do their own work! I will help people that genuinely require it, but I am not anyones piss post anymore. They have noticed!

It was my birthday recently & the production staff within my department that report to me (don't want to say my staff, because it sounds like I own them & they are not my slaves) actually bought me 2 impressive birthday cakes (one would have been a really nice surprise)- one to share with them & one to bring home!

*I am the only member of the management team that has received so much as a biscuit for my birthday, let alone 2 large cakes.

Summary - I have become assertive, but obviously not a monster!

Best wishes again...Rik
 
JJT
What a great question.

I first disclosed and went into therapy in the fall of 1999, I was suicidal and wrecked, and acting out sexually with strange men.

I'm about to celebrate 30 years of marriage to my wonderful wife, I have just completed 26 years with the same employer, I am very active on the 4x4 competition scene here in the UK, I'm training to become a counsellor, and somehow find time to socialize with my friends - and do a bit here as well !

I do admit to having bad days though, but now they don't outnumber the good days, nowhere near !

Dave ( enjoying life ;) )
 
You are alive and among well intentioned people who understand and would like to help. That is pretty positive.
 
jjt,

Well, I've been away from my computer for about a week. It crashed on me.

In some ways, it was a good thing. I'm really starting to fully understand how far I've come in two months of therapy.

My biggest hurdle had to be panic attacks. I had been self-medicating for a year with drugs and alcohol so I didn't want to get hooked on anti-depressants. It really sucked for a long time, withdrawal(suffered from delirum tremens)plus the panic attacks.

I now haven't had a panic attack in 5 weeks and 2 days. I still don't feel normal. Hell, I don't even now what normal is, but it's getting better.

The best thing I'm learning through therapy and self-reflection is that it's alright to be me. No one is like me and I help to fill a spot in this world. Oh yeah, I almost forgot. I learned to get back to my feelings, instead of just trying to figure out things in my head. Rape, sexual abuse, etc is an illogical thing so how can we expect to get over it logically?

Take it easy,
Fusion
 
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