MichaelB,
Brother survivor why would you do this to yourself and you had better come up with a good reason otherwise you and i are going to go rounds and i will box your ears in until you listen to good reasoning why you permanently should not act upon what you are feeling.
Michael listen to your brothers here; listen to your brother Matt. He shares some good words & a powerful story here.
Michael,i once was in your shoes doing the same exact thing you now are doing to yourself. I have not disclosed this anywhere else at anytime but since you are at where i was a few years back here goes hopefully something of worth to you.
Matt thank you so much for having the courage, and
the compassion for Michaelb, to share this story.
In some ways it reminds me quite a bit of my own:
"Death & Destruction"
&
Survival
There once was a young boy by the name of M.A.N. and he had been abused by his father who so much had wanted him at an orphanage years ago, this young boy at the time went home to live with this young married couple who could not have children so they adopted.
My father did abuse me sexually & in other ways from very early infancy. However my mother was my prime perp. She put me in a children's home & not up for adoption becuz she couldn't handle me & if she couldn't have me then nobody could.
This young boy lived with this adopted couple for many years until this young boys adopted mother passed away due to what is called M.S. after this mother passing this young boy lived with his adopted father and adopted brother.
My younger "retarded" (by the abuse!) brother had already been institutionalized, gotten rid of, & died in that horrible place. I stayed in the children's home until I graduated from H. S. My mother had long since moved away.
This young boy lived at home with this adopted father who had been discharged from the Naval Service of The United States Of America due to having to now care for two young boys on his own. This adopted father started to abuse both this young boy and his younger brother for many years physically, mentally and sexually and this went on for many years until this adopted father had found another woman he very much loved and married.
Before putting me in the home & moving away of course my mother managed to abuse me & bring others in on the act from the time she divorced my
father when I was four (and with him, or he with her, before that), until I was 11. As far as I know I mostly protected my brother from that time.
Now these young boys were living with the adopted father and now his newly married wife and stepsister. The abuse took place for many more years after this marriage took place and this abuse took place very secretly to now both young boys and thier sister. This abuse took place to three young children until one night this younger sister went and told her mom that her new stepfather had touched her in places where he should not have.
My mother, for a year when I was 7 or 8, remarried
& we had a stepfather. He was nice when he wasn't drunk, which was rarely. He tried to abuse us all physically but I took the brunt of it to protect especially my brother, and often got beaten with a belt. After about a year he was jailed for a barroom brawl & this time my mother left him there. One of the few smart things she ever did, but only after I talked her into it.
There were also livein boyfriends, at least one of whom also joined in sexually & physically abusing me. She had one about the time I went into
the children's home, by whom she had a child. Don't know if she abused him or not, but I do know it wasn't long before the boyfriend left her,
taking the boy with him, soon remarried, and cut off all contact with my mother. The guy didn't seem like the sharpest tack on the wall, but he was smart enuf to do that. Otherwise I have no doubt my mother would have started with that boy the same thing she did with me--get rid of the man
& make the little boy she could control the man of the house & her surrogate husband!
This mother took it upon herself to take and enter marriage counseling with this new husband at a religious place and it was at this place where the story of abuse came out and this adopted father was told by this institution to turn himself in which he did a month later even though he confessed to the abuse, he left and came back and went to the bighouse for more then seven years and then came out and now is still serving his time on parole.
When I was 12 my mother had been under psychiatric
care & counseling with a pdoc who was based at this religious children's home (in FL BTW). I don't know if she ever told him (or anyone) about the abuse, I know the case workers & counselors there never talked to me about it. But this is where I ended up being placed for 4-5 years. All I know is the blame for being put there was laid on me, becuz I was "uncontrollable." Damned right;
that bitch wasn't gonna control me anymore!
So she did the crime, & I did the time! Tho I could have ended up in worse places, tho it didn't
seem so at the time.
This young boy was placed in foster care and was bounced from foster home to foster home,group home to group home as he acted out because he hated everyone around him and did not completely understand it all.This young man during the course of all this had his younger brother placed back up for adoption and was then placed with a new family because of his age he was placeable whereas this older young man was not placeable in another adoptive home due to his acting out (uncontrolable behaviour) towards those in authority because he did not know who to trust and who to respect anymore or who he could talk with and get help from.
I didn't go into foster care but in the children's
home there were nine cottages & I lived in 7 of them including the temporary emergency shelter under threat twice of juvenile detention. I acted out sexually, verbally (talking back & cursing), physically (violence & fighting), emotionally (temper tantrums, blatant defiance, running away).
I hated anyone in authority. In fact I hated just about everyone especially myself (if you want see
"Male Authority Figures" thread). I definitely trusted no one especially myself.
This young man was in a group home until the age of 17 where he signed up for the military and pulled a three year term and got out.This young man at that time did not know what to do he had no one to turn to or to go home to because the stepmother had divorced this young mans stepmom years ago and he was not going to go back to live with his abusive father.At this point in this young mans life he did not know what to do with himself so he went into private industry life and held a job.
That was me, in the children's home until age 17,
then signed up for the military, tho I only lasted
about a year. Honorable discharge, unadaptability
clause. DUH! I wasn't adaptable to
living!
During this time this young man had decided he was going to go driving one night after work to think and ponder some issues so he did.This young man went out and drove two hours back to his hometown where he was born because he had a lot of unanswered questions in his mind and was ready to end his life as he knew it.This night he drove back to the town in which he resided and went to his brothers cemetary and his adoptedmoms cemetary and was ready to end his life and go join his mom and brother as he wanted to so much end his suffering but, what stopped him was one friend who cared enough to stop and listen and help him find the answers needed to the puzzle.
On more than one occasion I thot of ending my life
tho I never made a serious effort. Only becuz of the few people I could find here & there who even
for a while would care just a little bit. And looks back at my life & all the hell I went thru & yet survived which gave me determination to keep surviving tho I often didn't know why. I think I was determined even then to show "them" that "they" couldn't beat me. And I was damned if I'd let them kill me like they did my brother!
I've yet to go back to that home (FL) tho I may someday. Only went back to my first home area (Manhattan) this past Christmas holiday, and it was a positive powerful experience for me; I posted about that before.
This young man found his birth family and reconnected with his stepfamily and now has a nephew that loves him like a son,so you see this is what keeps this man going from day to day otherwise this man would have checked out long ago because he had nothing to live for.This man is not saying it will be easy but,if you yourself keep working at this survival thing then you just might make it happen for yourself.
Really doubt if I ever do this. Tried to reconnect with my mother a couple years ago--again--and again it was a disaster. No other family around I know really. But I have my wife & two daughters--all unabused, the damned cycle broken--so I'm ok with that.
Matt, I'm glad you have supportive family & had a good friend there for you at a critical crossroad.
This brother struggles with many of things daily from the years of abuse he sustained but he remains a survivor and now is a member of surviving brothers who have made the choice to live on and heal and recover and most of all Survive which i know you can do.
Matt you sure are!
Should you need to talk now that you have read this story and may be in the same boat now,feel free to please contact me either thru my email address which should be in my profile or please private message me here on the site for you see tis young man i spoke of was myself so i understand more then you may realize.
Stay Alive We As Brothers
Need You !!!
Sincerely,
Surviving Brother
Matt 
Thanks so much Matt.
Michaelb I echo Matt's words & sentiments.
Keep surviving & keep in touch bro!
Victor
