will it stick?
OnceInnocent
Registrant
I've been worried to even write this, for fear that trying to make it coherent enough for others to read would somehow unpick it and it would all fall apart. So this is my best shot out of all the drafts I have.
On 9/3/19, I made a huge breakthrough. Basically I lost my crap at the therapists office last week. I was talking to him about my abuse from my brother and the guy who raped me as an adult and also the SSA sex I had. All of a sudden I started sobbing. I pulled down my had over my face in embarrassment and while sobbing it just hit me as I said, "I didn't want it! I didn't want any of it!" I finally realized, I'm not gay or bi.
The SSA stuff I've done was really something that stemmed from abuse and wanting to pretend that I was control of what happened and still be in control of it. In light of that, I look at it as an extension of my abuse, something truly disgusting* to me and it has made me feel so used.
I guess like drinking, I now see it as a really bad coping mechanism, not my sexual identity.
It's been a week since I've "felt gay/bi". I don't think I have ever gone this long just feeling happy and content with the idea that I am straight. Previously, if I did feel straight, it didn't last long. I would flip flop between sexualities at least several times a week and as much as several times in a day. It was just too emotionally hard to be straight. I just couldn't get my head around the idea that if I was damaged so much, there would be no way I could be straight. And I extended that to all survivors I met. This SSA thing has dogged me for as long as I can remember and it only got worse when I realized at age 15 that all the "gay sex" I had as a kid was actually abuse.
Realizing, that for me, SSA confusion is a coping mechanism has helped me see that its not my sexual identity. if it was my sexuality, I wouldn't be able to stop it.
So I stopped feeding my coping mechanism and stopped using it to make me feel better about myself. And now, it's like its just gone. I don't want it or need it.
I don't know if it would be helpful to post any of this, but...
I just wanted to say, some things actually do get better.
*Footnote:
When I say disgusting, what I mean is... not that consensual gay sex is an abomination or offensive. But its something I'm totally not into. A bit like I've been told by some gay dudes that the idea of straight sex is disgusting to them.
Also, I feel for me to let my abuse get in the way of my true sexuality and to allow it to make me act out and to actually have sex with another man, that is disgusting for me. To let the abuse have that much hold on me anymore, now that I feel strong enough to stop using SSA as a coping mechanism, that is disgusting.
On 9/3/19, I made a huge breakthrough. Basically I lost my crap at the therapists office last week. I was talking to him about my abuse from my brother and the guy who raped me as an adult and also the SSA sex I had. All of a sudden I started sobbing. I pulled down my had over my face in embarrassment and while sobbing it just hit me as I said, "I didn't want it! I didn't want any of it!" I finally realized, I'm not gay or bi.
The SSA stuff I've done was really something that stemmed from abuse and wanting to pretend that I was control of what happened and still be in control of it. In light of that, I look at it as an extension of my abuse, something truly disgusting* to me and it has made me feel so used.
I guess like drinking, I now see it as a really bad coping mechanism, not my sexual identity.
It's been a week since I've "felt gay/bi". I don't think I have ever gone this long just feeling happy and content with the idea that I am straight. Previously, if I did feel straight, it didn't last long. I would flip flop between sexualities at least several times a week and as much as several times in a day. It was just too emotionally hard to be straight. I just couldn't get my head around the idea that if I was damaged so much, there would be no way I could be straight. And I extended that to all survivors I met. This SSA thing has dogged me for as long as I can remember and it only got worse when I realized at age 15 that all the "gay sex" I had as a kid was actually abuse.
Realizing, that for me, SSA confusion is a coping mechanism has helped me see that its not my sexual identity. if it was my sexuality, I wouldn't be able to stop it.
So I stopped feeding my coping mechanism and stopped using it to make me feel better about myself. And now, it's like its just gone. I don't want it or need it.
I don't know if it would be helpful to post any of this, but...
I just wanted to say, some things actually do get better.
*Footnote:
When I say disgusting, what I mean is... not that consensual gay sex is an abomination or offensive. But its something I'm totally not into. A bit like I've been told by some gay dudes that the idea of straight sex is disgusting to them.
Also, I feel for me to let my abuse get in the way of my true sexuality and to allow it to make me act out and to actually have sex with another man, that is disgusting for me. To let the abuse have that much hold on me anymore, now that I feel strong enough to stop using SSA as a coping mechanism, that is disgusting.