Will it ever go away...?

Hey fellows,

this is a huge deal for me to post in this thread. Is signifies my acceptance of my homosexuality as a part of me and not something to be rid of. I have never been in this place before.

There is a question I have, however that some of you may be able to speak to. First context: the first sexual experience I ever had was associated with punishment and trauma afterwards for my participation. I then spent a childhood having secret liaisons with a boyhood friend and while I was way into the activity (I am still mad for oral) I would feel so much shame the next day.

This shame has stayed with me through every sexual experience for the rest of my life. Every orgasm I’ve ever had from masturbation to sex with my wife has always been followed by at least a pang of shame. My question, therefore, is like the title of this thread: will the shame ever go away? Is it possible to have a sexual experience, with a man or woman, after which I don’t feel dirty or shameful? I know you can’t answer for my personal experience. Only I get to find out, but have any of you overcome similar shame attached to sex?
 

Troy86

Registrant
I don’t want to disappoint you but the guilt and shame doesn’t go away easily. And that ‘dirty’ feeling never really goes. You can try to hide it or fake it but it’s there. I haven’t put my self through that ‘dirty’ feeling for 7 years now. Sex and making love shouldn’t be associated with guilt and shame. But because of our experiences when we was young, it’s tainted all our future experiences. Coming to terms with what we went through as kids and finding some sort of inner peace I believe is the way forward to be able to enjoy something so natural. So don’t give up. And keep practicing and trying and it will get better and easier.
 
I imagine holding both a committed relationship with a woman and acceptance of your homosexuality is challenging. I've had sexual encounters with men along the way... quite a few in fact and have had great confusion about my sexual orientation. I eventually concluded that I'm a rather garden variety heterosexual and that my same sex behaviors were rooted in trauma. Regardless, I've never been able to be freely available for a sexual relationship. Yes, I've been able at times to perform sexually with my partner, always a woman, but only when engaged in seduction. When the seduction was over so was my ardor. The one time I attempted to share physical intimacy with my wife the moment an erection arrived so did terror that took my breath away.

I think Troy is right... releasing the residue of past trauma is not easy. Shame and fear can easily arise. For someone carrying SSA it is likely those images will intrude on sexual encounters which doesn't really leave room for an intimate connection. Then it's all make believe. Sometimes we can get away with that but it isn't the recipe for real relating.

It is good that you can bring this subject up Mick. This is how we come to terms with both the past and our present moments. We certainly didn't deserve what happened to us and how we responded has always been with the hope of surviving disturbing memories and feelings. We are innocents doing the best we can... nothing that happened before, during or after the trauma was our fault. Please be gentle with yourself as you sort these matters out. Thanks for sharing this.
 

KMCINVA

Registrant
Mick74

Trauma leaves residual effects of the abuse--as a child we have no understanding of sex, our minds cannot process what is happening to us, why our bodies are reacting with arousal, our head is filled with guilt and shame as the abuser lays blame on us for causing the abuse. We leave the abuse damaged, unsure of ourselves, filled with guilt and shame and believing we are not worthy and sex is just a violent attack.

For many of us sex can be a coping mechanism to relive the abuse or change the outcome, something we avoid, something we undertake with shame and guilt. In order to achieve fulfillment and joys of sex we must heal, we must accept the abuse was not our fault and the guilt and shame belongs to the abuser and not us, we need to accept the arousal during abuse was physical and not emotional (the sense of emotion can leave us confused believing sex must be this way--unfulfilled and empty), we must learn to look at ourselves with value and not a damaged good. Lastly we must find love and for me it took feeling safe and loved to enjoy the passion of sex. I believe I could have love but if I did not feel safe it left me feeling unsure and unloved. I was not safe with myself and others left me feeling unsafe.

It takes time, hard work on self reflection, therapy, support and developing healthy coping mechanisms that allows you to love yourself.

Kevin
 

Harry

Registrant
I like to think there's a way for everyone, no matter their past, to have great sex, but I can't back that up. I'm not a sexologist. I'm just a believer in the ability making of people's individual sexual needs met simultaneously and safely, psychologically speaking. I'm sure communication and sensitivity are necessary. This thought might be naïve. Whatever.

I would like to happily welcome your willingness to post here in this Ga-Bi-Trans thread. It almost felt like a coming out post, so like, well, congratulations! I wish you much self-love, dude.
 

Dolphin42

Registrant
@Mick74 Yes, I think it can get much better.

For decades I felt shame during and after my homosexual fantasies, and only acted (oral) with my closest of friends 3 times in 30 years. Once I finally accepted that part of me a year ago, I was able to begin to embrace and act in healthy ways on my desire for male companionship and physical & emotional intimacy, including dating sites for just men. I'm slowly surrounding myself with like minded accepting men. In my youth my homosexuality was obvious and rejected, and so it was wrapped and trapped in parents' shame not mine. Unsuccessfully repressing my gay parts kinda made me easy to trap for long term abuse after that, my obvious outward shame became others' levers on me.
 
My question, therefore, is like the title of this thread: will the shame ever go away? Is it possible to have a sexual experience, with a man or woman, after which I don’t feel dirty or shameful?
For me i guess i reached a point in my life i did not feel shame in sex with someone when i was in my late 20’s to till 40’s. I did feel shame in masturbation due to what i thought about to bring me to an orgasam. Now in the past few years all sex has become this shame feeling like now that i am admitting stuff and working on it, it has caused me to loose sexual interest in my partner. It like i just let things happen to make him happy but for me i think there are a lot of times I could be sexless.

I hope the shame goes away. My T has pointed out how my mastubation habits and sexual activity use to not bother me and it will go back to that in time. Just for now the trauma of my childhood has now come forward inn my life and it time to work on those issues. I tell her like i am sure many others here have thought God i wish i could just out it all back away out of my mind just forget it Go back to how i was. DOnt think my life was great before but at least this was not out there.
 

Edin

Registrant
For me i guess i reached a point in my life i did not feel shame in sex with someone when i was in my late 20’s to till 40’s. I did feel shame in masturbation due to what i thought about to bring me to an orgasam. Now in the past few years all sex has become this shame feeling like now that i am admitting stuff and working on it, it has caused me to loose sexual interest in my partner. It like i just let things happen to make him happy but for me i think there are a lot of times I could be sexless.

I hope the shame goes away. My T has pointed out how my mastubation habits and sexual activity use to not bother me and it will go back to that in time. Just for now the trauma of my childhood has now come forward inn my life and it time to work on those issues. I tell her like i am sure many others here have thought God i wish i could just out it all back away out of my mind just forget it Go back to how i was. DOnt think my life was great before but at least this was not out there.

Possible Triggers.

I have the opposite issue. I don't feel shame during sex. I feel adrenaline, a rush, anticipation. But otherwise once its over I either leave or they do. Sex with random people I barely just met? No shame or fear.

Holding hands in public or even an open display of affection from anyone? I get uncomfortable at best, aggressive at worst. I punched my ex-boyfriend for trying to hold my hand when we were still together at the time. We were in public.

Sex? Easy, quick, fun, no thoughts or feelings on my end. If other's bring them when we talked before that no strings attached and they feel things afterwards?

Its cold, but its not my problem.

Masturbation? I used to cry for it, but not anymore.

I don't envy people who can feel attachment towards others. I envy their ability to sympathize. I can empathize, but I rarely sympathize with anyone.

Sympathy in my viewpoint and definition is understanding the mechanics of how someone is going through something and saying along the lines of, "I understand" when I don't care to understand.

*Unrelated for context*- Empathy is for me knowing from your own experience the pain and attachments that come from going through something similar to whomever you are empathizing with. Yet this for me is not always universal. My Mother was raped while she was married with my sperm-donor. After she had me as well. I told her I was raped years before I knew she had been and she was divorced for 6 years after her event give or take.

Here response was "Get over it". Now? Now its not my problem. The woman never has to work another day in her life. She has a husband who cares for her, a house, and the freedom to do anything she pleases including waste 'her' money.

So her feelings, like mine were to her, are irrelevant now.

Back on track, the entire reason I have sex is to have fun and avoid any strings.

The only other alternative I had to a cathartic release was growing up with some of my friends, I'd intentionally piss off one of them so she'd punch me. It wasn't sexually exhilarating, though I did have feelings for her that I remembered over time.

But the sensation, the 'aftershock' of the pain traveling away from the hit to every part of my body gave me a high I can't explain. Still does.

Shame? No. Pride? Sometimes, but shame is something I see as useless for me because I was ashamed of so many things in my life that shame in sex and my hobbies no longer holds sway to me.

To those of you who feel shame. I empathize because I understand that feeling. I don't know if everyone can get over it or adapt as I did.

Don't become a cold-hearted bastard like me, but don't be a martyr either who cries for everyone. I was the nice guy who tried to help everyone without being asked, seeking validation from others. It ended up with an emergency room visit and several attempts at suicide, one of which caused my heart to give out.

Find the people who love you, cherish them, and do what you can to make life easier on yourself as you keep going.

Everyone else in the world? That's up to you.

I choose to care for certain people. I'm under no obligation to care for everyone though.
 

CarbonTiger

Registrant
I think its a question of limiting beliefs.

What do you believe in? At the core!? And with that in mind, you'll see everyone's answers with their beliefs written all over it.

...to be honest, for me i'm not sure. I want to believe my heart knows the answer. My heart knows the truth, that one day I will not be ashamed; that I will indeed be free, truly free. My mind is doing that cool trick where it takes precedence over everything though.

ugh, I hate feeling like shit. Sorry this isnt cheerful but i'm trying to help and probably should be logged off. Anyway, I mean well.

Take care..
 

EQCR

Registrant
Hmmm.... tough question to reply to. The short version is yes, it will go away... only, when you are ready to accept yourself, as is.

If you had magical powers and could secretly go back in time (as the person you are now, knowing all the secrets and shameful feelings you had back then) what would you say to the kid that was you? What would that kid need to hear to know that he wasn't 'dirty' or 'broken' and that what he was doing was 'wrong' or 'shameful?
The term for the process I learned was Re-parenting yourself, looking at a picture of you as a kid or in the mirror or whatever works for you to re-connect with what it felt like to be that kid and what it feels like to be a strong, powerful adult advocate for him, because it is still that kid part of you that feels the shame even when the adult part knows better.

For what it is worth:
I needed to hear "You know what? I know what you are thinking, I know what you are doing and what you really really want to do even the 'dirty' stuff... and I Love you, no matter what. I will always love you. You cannot say or do anything that will stop me from loving you." And I would hug that kid until he decided to let go, forever if necessary. It has been over twenty years for me and I that kid part won't let me hug him, yet, but I am still working on it.
 
You speak about how deep that wound goes EQCR. I attended a weekend workshop with a spiritual teacher who invited us to do inner child work on the second day. This was 44 years ago. I invited the inner child to come forward and he didn't. At the time I didn't remember the sexual abuse but I certainly knew about the failed marriages, the sexual acting out that began when I was 12 years old. Interestingly, during that exercise two teenagers showed came to my awareness and I spontaneously asked if they'd be willing to look out for that child until he was ready to meet with me.

Two years ago when I began this third cycle of exploring my inner life I encountered something called Internal Family Systems and learned that they call the inner child the "Exile" and suggest there are "Managers" and "Firefighters" who stand in protection for the frightened part. It dawned on me one of those teenagers I'd encountered so long ago was a Manager who was working full time to keep the inner child safe. He tried to smooth things out, present an inoffensive, friendly person the world would like. He was always hypervigilant. The other teen was a Firefighter and he tried to blow things up, thereby creating distractions that protected the inner child. He drank too much, drove too fast and visited video arcades where he engaged in anonymous sex. He perpetuated the shame that kept me small. I finally began to understand what I've been doing all these years to survive the terror I carry inside.

I'm able to be with that frightened child finally... Telling the truth of what happened without shaming myself... finding compassion for that frightened boy who grew up to be a frightened adult able to put on a good show... allows me at last to be with the terror. There is a great deal of grief here and many tears, some of which I've been able to share with people in my life who care for me. THIS is the healing journey and no matter how long it takes to hold that inner child, it is essential to do... but we do it with kindness and compassion. There is no other way to do it. This is how we claim our aliveness.
 

manipulated

Moderator
Staff member
so it was wrapped and trapped in parents' shame not mine.
Exactly my experience. Once I did some shame busting at weekends of recovery, once I learned to return to nonsexual play that was yanked from me when everything got so serious way too young, I have been able to leave the guilt and shame and enjoy the act regardless of the partner gender. Once I found someone it was safe to share the past with who did not judge or condemn i have been able to openly share, enjoy and be sexual with without the burdens of performance, perfection or hiding or slipping and just enjoy. It was four decades fomenting and ten years of work but yes fir me it WAS and it IS possible to dump the guilt and shame put on me by others - from the Perp to parents- to society - to the religious to the ex. Free to be me is so much much more life fulfilling than taking their judgements and condemnations.
 
Beautifully said Mani. It may take a great deal of work, but it is worth it... being free to be ourselves. No more shame.
 

davids1

Registrant
I've just restarted therapy again. I never once forgot what happened to me. My T is telling me it's not my shame and when it comes up I have to put it back on my uncle and my parents. When I came out to my parents and my mom said God hated me and I was going to hell for being Gay. In anger I finally told her, in anger, that it was her brother that molested me. She stated that she knew. I did not know what to say after that. It was the first time I had ever mentioned out in the open. Now some of that shame and guilt is hers and fathers. for not protecting me. letting me spend the night at his house knowing he was perp. I slammed the door on that closet and we never discussed For years I have carried that shame and guilt whenever I cruised and picked up men, masturbate thinking of men and now my uncle and what he did to me. God I hate this shame but I now have a way out. Give it back and love me. Keep loving that little boy inside who did nothing wrong.
 

Edin

Registrant
I've just restarted therapy again. I never once forgot what happened to me. My T is telling me it's not my shame and when it comes up I have to put it back on my uncle and my parents. When I came out to my parents and my mom said God hated me and I was going to hell for being Gay. In anger I finally told her, in anger, that it was her brother that molested me. She stated that she knew. I did not know what to say after that. It was the first time I had ever mentioned out in the open. Now some of that shame and guilt is hers and fathers. for not protecting me. letting me spend the night at his house knowing he was perp. I slammed the door on that closet and we never discussed For years I have carried that shame and guilt whenever I cruised and picked up men, masturbate thinking of men and now my uncle and what he did to me. God I hate this shame but I now have a way out. Give it back and love me. Keep loving that little boy inside who did nothing wrong.

You can't make her love you, and do you really want her to? I do not make assumptions, but if she knew you had been hurt and did nothing to help you. She is not worthy of having you, and she bears no right to call herself your Mother. I know what it is like to go through some of what you describe. God does not hate anyone. You were a child. That is a statement, not an excuse. Your value is not determined by others, your actions and the person you choose to be despite the hardship is what you should be judged and valued by.

You are brave and more valuable than you give yourself credit.
 
The shame eats at my soul like cancer. Its all consuming. I've told myself many times that once the shame kills my soul its time for me to check out. Don't know if that will ever happen. Its often the only solution I see to getting rid of the shame. I'm working on the shame with my T. I've let him know the shame is what really hurts me the most. When I told my mom I thought I was gay her first words were "what you like anal sex???" That was not the reaction I was expecting. It certainly made an awkward situation much more so. I get laugh out of now looking back.
 

The Bluefoot

Registrant
Being abused for me at a young age of 5 and being abused over and over by different people until the age of 17 destroyed me finding out any type of sexual surprise on my own. With the except of Cumming. Since I had Klinefelter Syndrome and my body does not make testosterone. I always consider my self to be bi-sexual since I dated a girl in HS and Jr. Hs the same girl. Thou we never had sex, only held hands, hugged once in a while and kissed on the cheeks 3x. She came from a strict religious family. I was not, and was from a different religion. MY husband laughs at me today.

The last sexual abuse that I remember so far (trigger warning) Is being forced to go on my knees to suck cock for the first time of my scout master as thanks for the scout of the year award and making JASM ( Junior Assistant Scoutmaster) I was told do it or loss both. I was very proud to get both so I did as I was told to. MY SM was a big 6'3" 400 pound very hair guy. He scare me even thou I was not a small 16yr old kid, at 5'11" 170 pounds. But mental i was still 11. The point is he is the only one I have ever sucked. I am a big strict top today. My Husband and I have had a good sexual relationship in the past. for other medical reasons not now I cant have sex now. I have date a few other men before my husband And because of the abuse I was always in charge always the top. Not only I could not suck anyone. Others who have tried to suck me, I get sick. First they have to be dry sucks and fast 1 min. or i lost the hard on and i never cum. That dam SM destroyed the enjoyment of the sucking of the dick for me for ever. And since the Asshole is dead I cant tell him off either. Sorry for being upset. He also squeezed my balls to teach me not let my teeth touch his dick. I was only 16 and it was my first time.. He squeeze hard, and it hurt a lot.

Why would some one I looked up to do that to me. And take away the enjoyment for ever. I needed to figure who I was on my own. I still believe I am BI thou I married a man and live a gay life. My father excepted me and my husband family all except us. Actually my whole family excepted us except one person who just really did not understand why we needed to get married. if we could not have babies. A lady who was over religious Jew.
 
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pct1968

New Registrant
Wow, I can certainly relate to most of these replies. My story is that I was molested by a friend of the family when I was 6 or 7 (same person my older brother was molested by) and I never told a soul until this nasty CSA rendered itself the same month of my beautiful wife's and our 30th wedding anniversary. I had a single one time encounter with a "kid 28", 24 years younger than me and now shit has hit the fan, so to speak. Since this episode, in which my wife knows all about, I am having much difficulty in putting this kid behind me. He is literally my children's age. I started counseling in March. Its helping some what, but I am having such issues as to what I am. I know that I will always be married to my wife who has been so forgiving and caring. She is also in this for the long run.
I spent most of my life (7 and on) up until I met my wife, doing favors for others while also dating women. Again, I know what and who I want but that identity issue never goes away. So, I completely understand most of these comments, my issue is just more complicated because I want my wife and a heterosexual life but the desires for male relations just never go away. I carried CSA for 45 years and now I have alot of understanding and healing to do. This forum has been so helpful plus I've found a great friend through this forum who has very similar issues as I do. One important thing I have learned is that you cant change anything, you just have to set a goal and live your best life through achieving it. This CSA really sucks!!!
 
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