Will it all of have been worth it

[tbkkfile]

This is just a rant as I'm feeling sorry for myself at the moment and pretty depressed.

I'm 56, over here that's 11 years off of retirement and I look back at the last 44 years or so and I wonder where it's all gone, failed schooling, drifting from job to job, my own ability to sabotage life when it seemed to be getting better, more careers than I care to mention, one failed marriage, and here I am just starting to try to make sense of it all.

It really hurts being honest with myself and trying to change that part of me that sabotages the good things, the part of me that doesn't socialise well, the part the refuses to enjoy life, the part that lives in a dream world. I know that I'll never have the career that I want, it's too late for that so I'm having real problems working out where it will all go.

Will I look back when I'm nearing the end of my time and wonder was it all really worth it, as up to now it doesn't seem like it has?

 

[Bardo]

TB,
I believe that our purpose here is to learn and grow spiritually. Clearly you have made huge leaps in that department! We all start from different places and we all end up in our own space. If you can come to terms with your abuse, and look at the arc of your life in light of the goodness that you are and will be responsible for, then what a great life you will have had! And BTW, speaking as a guy who is pretty much the same age as you, we ain't done yet,mate. So much goodness to come, if you can work for it. Peace to you, my friend.

 

[finallyhere]

TBK-We all need to rant sometimes so you are not alone. I am right behind you, 54 and looking back 42 years or so. Quit college, worked with same company many years but changed jobs within because of failure to deal with the stress, etc., I understand the feeling of sabotaging one's own life just when things are going good. My marriage is still together but I have a lot of work to do on it due to the problems that I have caused over many years. Dream world? Yeah that is how I got through life. So where do you go now? Forward my friend FORWARD. You've already said it you ARE starting to make sense of it now. That tells me that you have recognized how CSA owned you for so long. Now though since you are making sense of it you are beginning to own it. Yes we now understand and although rough times can come back the control is lost at least to a degree and as we heal that degree minimizes and hopefully fades. Take your many careers and look at them as the diversity of your life. Diversity can make a person well rounded. Find happiness in small things. I have learned to enjoy making bread, working on house projects, even baking cookies...sounds corny but we have many years ahead of us. Don't dread them. Look to them with a renewed hope of living life now not in the past. My friend, you own your life now, don't look back except to see how far you have come and how far you want to go.

 

[Bluedogone]

Hi tbk,
There's nothing wrong with a rant now and then. Sometimes it's the only way to deal with thoughts or emotions that seem to weigh us down. And what better place than here to let it "all hang out." We've been there, done that. The whole situation seems to get just a little better knowing someone else felt that way and you're not alone.

I know a psychologist who works with elderly people who are approaching the end of life, and he pointed out that most folks at that time do have a few regrets that things didn't work out exactly as they would have liked or would have planed, but they usually can say, "Overall, it was a good life, and I did the very best I could."

I realize being 22 years older than you doesn't give me a right to tell you anything about life, but 56, or even 67, isn't the end of accomplishments. There are so many examples of tremendous life altering things done by people, even in to their 90's. And the examples are numerous of failure after failure of experiments, only to be successful at last. There would have been no success had they decided to stop after what would be considered failures. There's an old joke (I guess it's a joke) about "I'm glad they didn't stop at Preparation A, or Preparation B or Preparation G."

There's no question that SA can have life long effects on us and having the ability to sabotage our own plans is one of the many results. But recognizing it for what it is can be a good starting point in making changes. Feeling depressed and feeling sorry for yourself is a real downer, but they can be temporary, and can be the down side just before tackling the huge task of changing the part of you that lives in a dream world, that doesn't socialize well, refuses to enjoy life.

BUT YOU'RE WORTH IT. You're worth the effort it's going to take (to paraphrase AA) to change the things you can change, accept the things you can't change, and the wisdom to know the difference.
My thoughts are with you as you continue on the path of healing, recovery, striving and thriving.

CJ

 

[zip14]

TBK,

Sounds like you are reading my bio and posting it here.

At one time I thought I might become a Priest but my Catholic Teacher/abuser knocked that thought right out of me. Clearly I wasn't good enough for that as a shamed and soiled school boy.

Instead, like you I fell into the rat race and managed to fake my way through a decent living before the collapse of my marriage (23 years) and my finances.

There I was at 50 having to start over from scratch in nearly every aspect of my life. One day at a time is how I go. I read just recently that a former neighbor of mine was killed in a head on collision (51 years old). This guy had a great job, family and wealth and then it was just gone like that.

I believe he would have traded his job, wealth and nice cars to have another 2, 5, 10 or 20 years of living. So how can I not at least try?

We don't know what tomorrow brings but it might just bring a pleasant surprise. Life is hard to predict even when you plan carefully things can go quite right as easily as not.

It was that fear of looking back when my time came that empowered me to report my abuser after 42 years. I could not stand the idea that I failed to deal with this person and I didn't want that regret at the end.

Helping others is great way to bring purpose to our lives and you have done that by posting these thoughts for the rest of us to digest.

Thanks for sharing and best of luck pushing forward. You are far from alone.

 

[txb]

My dad left school when he was 15 but he's doing a degree now (through Open University) so I'm a pretty big believer in "it's never too late". I also think that life is pretty fake, that many people are unsatisfied with the life they have, even if they look happy from the outside.

It's hard to find positives and make plans for the future when you are feeling depressed, so things might not always feel this bad. I'm sorry that I don't have anything better or more helpful to say, but just wanted to send you some support. Hope you are able to feel more positive about things soon.

 

[KMCINVA]

Tbkkfile

I have come to believe there is no definite timeline. We determine what is of value to us, what we can contribute to ourselves and others. We must define it. Retirement for some is earlier and for others never--it depends where you find passion and joy. The past is the past and we need to put the abuser and abuse behind. We do not want him/her to control us to the end.

Changing yourself is the way to move forward. Without change, subtle or overt, it is happening each day. We are healing and each step brings a change, realization that you self sabotage is a change--you admit to it and can focus on changing it.

I believe life is worth living and I admit there were times after the abuse and in adolescence that I prayed not to wake each morning, recurred as the pain of facing the abuse over 8 years ago began and continued to control my life, but today with a change in environment and the support of many I see joy and happiness in the world and myself. No matter how long the rough patch may be, there are always good moments and these are the moments we need to build upon.

Try to find the positive in life because each of us have contributed in someway.

Good luck

 

[jas4159]

I thought i was reading my story. Good rant. You may find my blog interesting. Nothing sucks or hurts more than this stuff. My heart and thoughts go out to you.


Stay strong and yes it is very much worth the trip and it is worth it.

I was were were a few years back I am now 60. I started my recovery in my early 50's. Before that i didn't even understand i needed recovery. My life is completely different now or at lease I am. I believe recovery is within all of our grasps.

I hope you peruse my book (blog) free read. I think you will relate and hopefully find a little encouragement from my story.

rich

 

[Nothing Man]

TBK, I understand how you feel. I am 50, drank myself out of a PhD program and a couple careers and am currently employed in a dead-end, relatively low paying job in which I am neither appreciated nor valued. I have managed to sabotage myself throughout my life so I totally understand where you are coming from. You are not alone.

I try to count my achievements. I have been sober for nearly 10 years. I have a wife and two lovely daughters. We live in a relatively nice house. I have a therapist who is helping me work through both the CSA and ASA I suffered. I hate my job, but at least I have a job that provides health care coverage for my family.

A good primal scream can help, but after it is over a counting of blessings may be in order.

I wish you peace and strength. Mike

 

[Jay1946]

Rant is something we all do. You're in good company.

I am now 68 years old, look back at my life and realize I could have done much better with the talents God gave me. Unfortunately, I have a very strong tendency to self-sabotage that keeps me from my best potential.

Rather than look back with regret, I look forward to the rest of my life as an opportunity to improve on myself and try to reach that potential, for whatever years God wants to gift me. One of the steps I am taking is psychological counselling to try to get at the root of this tendency to self-sabotage and learn new ways of coping.

Nowadays there are so many opportunities to "reinvent" oneself and start over. My wife just completed her second Bachelor of Science degree last May at 60 years old, and she's going for her Masters. And, there is a vast world of on-line education where one can learn new skills and gain a new perspective on life.

 

[KMCINVA]

Jay

Well said and such a positive attitude. I have found surround oneself with positive people and thoughts helped me to heal. I began to see myself in a positive light.

It is a great message you sent to us. Thank you

Kevin

 

[Bluedogone]

Jay,

Many thanks for such a positive and life affirming post. Truly inspirational.

In my late 70's I had what I thought was a major set back when I had a stroke. Why this, I thought, when I was dealing so well with the CSA. But strangely enough the positives far out weighed all the negatives I could envision. Other than no longer driving, and not being able to pee standing up I don't see too much different.

When the question comes up "Will it all have been worth it?" You betcha

 

[dark empathy]

@tbkkfile, my problem is I could give two completely different answers to your rant, one positive and based on philosophy and empathy, and one negative based on myself and actual experience.

On the one hand what most of the chaps here say is exactly true. there is no logical reason why things should not get better at any time your alive sinse wellbeing is a state of mind and perceptionn. I have even seen this happening myself. At the anual music school I go to there is a lady in her 80's who took up singing in her late 50's after she took early retirement from being a nurse. The first year I met her I was amazed at how good an alto she was and her stage presence. The second year, something was going wrong, she'd had some medical problems, was walking with a cane and was getting bothered by the fact that she used to be a metzo and could no longer sing most of the stuff she used to, and was feeling everything was pointless, her mental state even seemed slightly worse.

The next year things were around the same, which was quite sad. this! year however, she'd changed completely. she still walked with the cane and had the issues, but was almost a different person, and had taken to performing amazingly funny commic songs that didn't have the range, but by god! they were hilarious, and she had the presence on stage to make them work despite now being 84.

So, this is a case where someone clearly progressed in her life even though she is probably coming towards the end, which supports the idea that wellbeing is entirely perceptual, and it's a state that can be accomplished with enough work. That the idea of trying to assess a life based only on some external set of achievements is always going to lead to problems, and that the ideal recommendation is to try and enter a state of appreciative perception, a point where a person can actively enjoy! what is going on in life, not just "be greatful" but actually participate in that gratitude, where instead of saying "I had an idea for a great novel but didn't write it because I spent too much time reading other people's books", you say "wow! I loved reading so and so, it really made me think and opened my imagination to more possibilities"

That is my philosophical position if you like, and the one that is based on my desire to see you, and anyone else recover from this. I ironically wrote something very similar in an essay on the concept of fear of death and loss of achievement back during my masters when i was 23, about 9 years ago now.

The problem I have is that that isn't the world I see myself in at all. my own life has stagnated to the point of nothing mostly due to all this recovery crap, and frankly I'm sick of the hole thing and of trying to get somewhere and getting no where! Hell, my life hasn't improved at all sinse I wrote that sodding essay, if anything it's all got worse!

So, do as I say not as I do :d.

Seriously, I am now finding myself wondering if I was actually incorrect in thinking that alterations in perception of achievement are just what is needed, that it's simply a matter of saying "I'm going to enjoy this and not worry about that" and will yourself into a position irrispective of missfortune. I now find that idea hopelessly naive and way too shallow, sinse it is! possible to fail at everything and get so used to failure that there is no possibility of anything else, to be in a position where all the will and self perception in the world just won't do anything because every effort goes no where, that I've spent so much energy trying to climb out of the dark hole and sliding down the side that there is no point even trying anymore.

I don't know if there is an answer to this, but despite what I used to think I now find myself in a position where I actively feel resentful of the fact i've been trying to change, and Fuck all has happened!

This isn't to discourage you or anyone else from trying, your not me, you might have either more will power or more luck or whatever, only that I am less certain there is such a universal solution to fixing yourself from the crap given to you by abuse and isolation when life won't cooperate, and heck there might be a better answer that I haven't yet discovered either, sinse while I am sick of trying to improve things in my life and fuck all doing any good, I do have faith in my own capacity for invention, even if I suspect I am just inventing more creative ways to try and fail.

I'm sorry if this isn't the encouragement you wanted. My empathy for your situation would like to offer some sort of hope or wisdom or something, but anything I thought I knew about this I am no longer certain of anymore, at least I can say I'm sort of in the same boat if nothing else, and hay if anything is proof of the irrelivance of age that should be sinse I'm 25 years younger than you and still! have the same problem.

 

[tbkkfile]

Thanks to all of you who replied it's really appreciated and your feedback and advice is always appreciated.

I wish that I'd started facing my CSA at an earlier age, most of us don't which is pretty much I guess what my rant was about I wasted 40 or so years, drunk, stoned, self sabotage, fuck I can't even remember most of it, and here I am........