will i ever feel different? could trigger

will i ever feel different? could trigger
S

shadowkid

WARNING from ModTeam, September 2013: user "Shado
i read so many posts here and i can tell that many of you are in so much of a better place than i am .people have even said they forgave their abusers .how can you get to that place ?i want that bastard dead and i want to watch him die!! if i could i would declare war on anyone who hurts a kid ,i would travel the country killing them one at a time ,why don't somebody get a list of sex offenders and just waste them all .i don't like this part of myself. but i got to admit it is there .i want to say it's ok it don't bother me anymore but it's not true . if i listed all the ways that bastard has ruined me it would be 10 pages long ,and each one of them makes my anger that much stronger ,i looked in my abusers face and kept control but inside i wanted to rip his throat out . i like to think that i am unable to cause pain for another but i'm so scared of what is really inside of me there is a person inside of me that is pure rage and hatred .it scares me and it takes all i got to keep it inside .this is the thing he did to me that i hate the most, he made me a killer i may never act on it but it is not good to want to hurt maybe deep inside i am just like him .after many hours days and years of trying to figure out a way to protect the world from these animals the only answer that keeps comming back over and over is the only good perp is a dead perp ,death is the only thing that stops them permenantly .sorry this post is so down yesterday i went on a crystal meth binge ,first time in 3 or 4 years i know it sucks but i just needed a break i just wanted to forget for one day why is it everytime i start to get up i have to kick myself back down i think i am my own worst enemy . shadow
 
You sound like I used to sound.

It takes work, it takes time and most importantly you have to not give up because of set backs.

It's a very slow process. But DO NOT COMPARE yourself to others, but look to them to see that healing is possible. the process is different for everyone and that's why there is no magic pill you can take. but you can take the tools and the methods others have used and see if they work for you. Use what you can and toss what you can't.

If I came here and didn't see anyone getting healthier... I think I would have lost hope... I mean that's what this place is for.

Have you been to a Weekend of Recovery yet? A level I will super charge you. I found a lot of tools in my first weekend yet some have gone to two or three and find new tools every time.

I give the Weekends program credit for turning my life around... that's why I wanted to be on the Board of Directors, so I could give back.

Take care Shadow and hang in there.
 
i'm sorry about the anger post ,i shouldn't get that radical ,just big talk i guess i wouldn't hurt a fly .i been reading over my posts something seems weird ,it's like they are from 3 different people ,maybe it's just me but it's so weird ,you got shadow who is a scared little kid who is still waiting for somebody to save him ,you got adam who is strong enough to face my abuser and help my grandma ,then you got the other one who wants to hurt people . feels like i'm split apart ,or just crazy .at least comming here has let me see what's inside . how do you live with 3 people inside you? one i want to help one i want to be and one i don't want to know .my posts keep getting stranger and stranger, could be the drugs ,i let them screw up a lot of my teenage years and i'm back to that again,when i was in foster care drugs were my escape and my way out ,nothing gets you back to juvy faster than getting caught with drugs .when i got tired of a foster family i would get myself busted and it at least got me out of another foster care joke ,detention was much better than foster care ,people should be aware of how bad foster care can be . nothing new in my mail guess that's a blessing. adam
 
i just noticed one post is signed shadow ,the other adam .strange
 
Adam,

Don't be so hard on yourself. I certainly can't claim to be objective on this point, but in my view sexual abuse is just about the worst thing that can happen to a boy. In your case the abuse was accompanied by incredible brutality. A kid in that situation will resort to all sorts of coping mechanisms to survive.

Drugs is one of these, and that one almost killed me as well bro. I am not judging you, please believe that, but in all honesty I have to tell you that meth and all the others will just slowly poison you and turn you against yourself and make all your feelings worse. I used to trip and get drunk and stoned all at once, and while I was high everything was wonderful. Then I would crash and burn and it was back to reality. The only difference was that I felt worse. I wonder what your feelings are on this. As I said, I don't judge you or blame you...not for a second. Just give this some thought.

Have you considered therapy? If not, you really should. Recovery from all this isn't a do it yourself job, and asking for help is a sign of strength, not weakness. A therapist will help to you make sense of everything and get past it with as little pain and trauma as possible.

A T will also help you to see that many of the things you do or have done are absolutely typical of survivors, and that their real explanations will show you that you were not the bad kid you thought. Can I give you an example? An abused kid in foster care may often think that he is about to be betrayed and abandoned by his foster parents. And in fact perhaps he has good reasons, as you point out. So in order to avoid the pain of being rejected (or hurt further) he "acts out" in ways that will assure his return to juvy. That kid isn't a delinquent or a fuck up; he's trying to survive the best way he can.

There is nothing wrong with your posts. Keep bringing it bro. What should you say here? Whatever you need to say.

Much love,
Larry
 
Adam,

I've tried 3 times to reply to this post and have deleted it and started over. I guess I've said this to you before. You post, I'll read/listen. My natural reaction is to say something like this, "Ya, I'm with you bro. Lets go kill us some bastards." But we both know that isn't the real answer. I will try to reply to this post in a more realistic way later after I have time to process my own feelings. Or maybe just let others handle this one because this is one where I may need a little help.

In the meantime, keep posting anything that is on your mind, posting is a great release of pent-up emotions.

((((((((((((((((((((Adam/Shadow/and the other guy))))))))))))))))))))

Love you much

Darrel
 
i think i need therapy or something, some kind of help.where i live is like the backwoods you know ? there is one rape center here but it's for women ,i would have to drive at least 100 miles to find a therapist ,and i don't think i could open up face to face like here. all this shit with my abuser comming back and the pictures ,it's just too much all at once.in most of the foster homes life sucked but even in the one that could have been ok ,i didn't want to be there so i just kept getting in trouble till i got kicked out ,i broke a lot of laws just to get out of places i didn't want to live ,the last one i stole their car and crashed it on purpose because the dad touched me ,not in a bad way just tried to put his arm around me and i freaked ,back then my boundries were if you get too close i'll push you back one way or another . people tried to care about me but i wouldn't let them . don't know why, but i missed out on at least two chances to have a good life . the thing about the meth is using it is the only and i mean the only time this video of my abuse stops running through my head !! i can be just relaxing kicking back ,not a care ,then some stinking memory comes floating up like sewage from my past .it's like it waits for me to relax then pounces ,the only time the memories stop is when i'm stoned or when i'm asleep ,yeah it feels like shit to come down ,but for a few hours it all just stopped ,i need that ,i need it bad . adam
 
Adam,

I am going to be very honest here and to the point. You need therapy, maybe even drug rehab. I am a nurse and too many times, I have seen first hand what meth can do to a person's brain, and believe me, you don't need that on top of the crap you are already dealing with. Meth is a one-way street with a dead-end and can hurt you just as badly as the perp did.

Make getting help your top priority and do whatever it takes, otherwise the perp will win and I know you don't want that. Talk to the rape center near where you live, even if they can't help you, they can point you in the right direction and quite possibly recomend a T. The hundred miles is nothing compared the distance you have already come.

So you hang in there my friend, get the help you need and keep posting. Your friends here at MS will be here for you, we care about you and will do what we can in the way of support.

Love you bro

Darrel
 
Adam,

I can only stress again that drugs will either ruin your life or take it. I'm sorry if that sounds harsh, but the way you are using drugs is exactly the recipe for big trouble. Again, please believe that I am not judging you; it's just that I have been there and I know what I am talking about. Drugs can be as cruel a master as any abuser.

The idea of therapy is scary, yes. But the T is a professional and his/her first task will be to build up trust between you. Your T will be alert for signs that you are uncomfortable, and you will not get dragged into things that you are not ready to talk about yet. 100 miles? I agree with Darrel. It's nothing compared to what you have already done. It is also worth the effort if it means restoring joy and peace to your life.

And my friend, ALL of those things you have done are typical of what abused kids do when they act out their anger, shame and fear. You are not a punk or a loser, you have already shown that very clearly.

Remember the letter from your grandmother. Claim back the life that is your right to have. Let her see you do that.

Much love,
Larry
 
Adam:
If you are commutable to Columbus, try Howard Fradkin, PhD. He's in charge of the healing weekends and is a former prez of MS. Excellent, sensitive therapist. If that's too far, contact him anyway and he may know of a specialist closer to you.
Ken
 
RUN FOR YOUR LIFE

I wasted so many hours
standing on the weighing scale
hoping
it would push me
to run.

But I couldnt run
till I began to run for me.

I ran because I loved
what it would make me.

I knew, no one else could run for me.
Just as,
no one else could live
the life, meant for me.

Then I thought
I had found an easier way.
But wait, soon I found myself
exactly where I had begun.

So I ran.
Knowing that to save my life
I had to be the One.

To reach the sun
I had to face its turns.

Now I no longer try to outrun my life
I walk with it
and face it
just as I face the sun.

Knowing life is just giving me back
what I had given out once.

No one can look the other way
to escape the wheel of Karma
When its your turn
you cannot even run.

But once youve been overrun
youve got to pick yourself up
and experience all that
those people went thru,
who were overrun by you.

That is the magic of life
it teaches you what
you wouldve missed otherwise.
 
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