Wife needs advice

[jswife]

I recently accidentally stumbled across the fact that my husband joined some groups for childhood sexual abuse. I was so shocked I immediately confronted him and he only could say, “yes, I was abused and I’ve wanted to tell you but couldn’t.” I told him it’s a very personal thing and he can tell me or never tell me about it.
That was 3 weeks ago. I have done nothing but research and read and educate myself about it ever since. I seriously had no clue. When we first got married and he was a virgin he didn’t particularly like sex and so I had asked him then if he had been abused. (There’s a huge family history on my side of abuse) He told me then no. We’ve been together 5 years. In the beginning I saw signs of things. He was withdrawn, no self-confidence, no close friends, disliked sex. But since we’ve been together he’s become a very confident person, he likes to socialize, and we have sex 3-4 times a week. I feel like perhaps I’ve been good for him?
Or maybe he’s just realized now that he was abused. He said something the other day that he had a nightmare and that’s how he knew. Now he has nightmares nightly. I want to help him. I want to comfort him. I don’t want to do or say things that might trigger him. I don’t want to second guess everything that happens in our relationship. For example, we don’t usually drink. In the last 3 weeks he’s bought a few 6 packs. It scares the crap out of me. I’m like, “is this the start of alcoholism?” I tried on a shirt that looked a little manly the other day and he REALLY liked it. And I’m thinking, “does the shirt trigger a sexual response because it reminds him of his abuse?”
I feel like I am personally going crazy here. I don’t want to push him to open up, I’ve been reading here and I can see how hard that must be. I know he’s afraid of my response. He’s afraid to be less of a man in my eyes. He’s afraid to ruin my happiness with his story. But I want so much to help him and I’m at a loss. After his nightmares I can only hold him and tell him I love him. Do you have any words of advice for me? Do I ride this out? Do I just show him support? What would you want your wife to do?

 

[TLR]

You are NOT going crazy!!


The first thing you need to do is get both of you to a reputable counselor. Just finding one takes time and energy but do it. You may have to go to a few before you find a fit but it worth the time and effort. He needs to have someone to talk to that understands what he is going through and a safe place to talk; as do you. Do your research, look into who specializes in this type of therapy and go. If he won't go, YOU NEED TO GO. Let me say that again because it is just as important as breathing... YOU NEED TO GO EVEN IF HE WON'T! You need a place to talk about how you are feeling without feeling like you are betraying him. A counselor doesn't mean your friends or coworkers, they have no idea how to guide you.

When you say "ride this out" that leads me to believe 'do nothing and see what happens'. If that's what you meant don't do that. This will not go away. This is bigger than you are, than both of you.

Do you show support? Yes. But you need to learn how to support him (got to a counselor). Supporting him also means keeping YOU healthy and able to support him. Take care of your own mental well being. This is just the beginning and it may get worse before it does get better. Take care of you.

And keep coming here. Read what others are going through, you need to know you are not alone. This is a crazy journey. I found out 3 years ago and it seems like yesterday.

Your quote fits this perfect, "The best way out of hell is through the other side", how do you get to the other side? Keep moving forward; even its it just a tiniest of steps, keep moving.

 

[betrayed boy]

hi, if u go to the main page of the site there's resource's u can access, how to pick a therapist and also a list of them the site approves of perhaps theres one near u, its good advice that even if he wont go to one u should go on ur own, theres books listed u may find helpful too. i wish u well in ur journey. BB

 

[jswife]

Thank you for your advice. I did go to the main page and tried to find an approved therapist. No luck in our area. I looked into all the therapists in our area also and none of them specialize in male abuse, only female. So I'm going to have to call around I feel like and see what I come up with. I also have to look into what our insurance covers and doesn't. I know better than to talk to friends or family about this. Definitely bigger than them. Going to look into some of the recommended books too. Thank you for your help.

 

[KMCINVA]

jswife

Take your time, find support and a therapist that can help you through your emotions. Your emotions from you own family history may come into play.

You need to take care of yourself in order to help him. I was in a situation where my abuse was belittled and denied. How much was from the CSA and how it impacted me surely played a role. We divorced and I met a wonderful woman who was so kind, compassionate and understanding. She has worked with trauma patients and situations much of her life. She knew what to do. A simple smile, a reassuring looking, silence sometimes was the best. Never push for answers and never make him feel as though you do not believe him or question why he did not tell or report. He was a child and even as a survivor it is hard for us to respond from the child's mind when the abuse took place. This creates conflict within us.

Your relationship with him seems one where he feels safe. That is always a major start. I never had that feeling of safety for various reasons and some was because I interpreted these situation as a survivor who carried a dark secret.

Stay by him,get support and counseling. When he is ready he will share. He may never tell the intimate details and do not push. Sharing and releasing the memories and pain is what he needs to do. I can tell the woman who gave me love, taught me intimacy was good and never made me feel mocked, belittled, abandoned knows the most of the abuse. She does not know all the details and she never pushed. She also knows she can never understand as I do the pain, because she has not lived it.

Your husband is fortunate to have you by his side. Take care of yourself and I hope your husband continues on his journey to heal. It can be painful, nightmares, flashbacks and other signs. In the end it helps him to be stronger for himself and to live a life he deserves.

Best wishes to both of you.

Kevin

 

[GoodHope]

JS Wife, you may have to be creative in finding a therapist that specializes in Sex Abuse Trauma. I found no one on the list either, but we lived near a university. I did a word search on
curriculum vitae. Sure enough, there was someone who did sexual abuse, but she specialized with women. My husband started with her. Eventually we heard about a guy in town who works with offenders. Because many offenders have been abused (which does NOT mean that because someone has been abused they will offend) he was very knowledgeable about CSA in males. It was tricky to get in with him (he was booked solid :-( and would frequently miss appointments when he was called into court to testify). My husband's first therapist, the college female CSA professor/therapist, recommended my therapist to me and mine was AMAZING. Best wishes.

 

[ForeverFighting]

I think it's really nice that you are willing to work with him through this recovery process. It's definitely not for the faint of heart. Please hang in there. You are not his therapist. It's not your job. But I have no idea what I would have done without my wife's support and understanding through the years.

I also had trouble finding a therapist who knew much about working with men who have been abused. So, this last time, I asked instead, Who in your office does the most work with PTSD? I found a therapist who also works with war veterans. Unfortunately, the aftermath, the nightmares, the triggers, and the treatment, are all very similar to combat veterans. It turns out that this therapist has been more helpful to me than any of my previous therapists. She also has other clients that are men who have been abused. But I don't think I would have found her if I had been asking for that specifically.

I wish you and your husband the best. If he is willing to check out the Survivor portions of this site, I know I found it extremely helpful to know I was not alone. But I also know it was really hard at first for me "to go there".

 

[jswife]

Thank you for the therapist advice. I spent a few hours the other day looking through those in our area. I actually found a man and woman that counsel couples separately but then can discuss together. So while they don't tell me what my husband is saying they can lead me in the direction I need to go. He specializes in sexual abuse, trauma and dysfunction. I was considering the PTSD therapists too. From what I've read they are similar treatments.

So thankful to everything I've read on here in that I don't have carry this by myself. It's not my job to try to fix anything. I only have to love him, support him and be there for him. I can handle that. I'll leave the rest to the therapist.

Now I just have to figure out the insurance part of it. At $80-100 a visit I am hoping to get insurance to help. The problem is that the way it is set up is you have to call their help line, admit your problems and they have to approve your need for a therapist. Kind of difficult for someone who is new to facing this to call a complete stranger, tell them they were abused and need help. If he can't talk to me about it how is he going to talk to the insurance company? So I'm going to call and see if I can't get us both approved. It's definitely worth a shot. Thanks again for all the pointers!!!