Wife doesn't understand

Wife doesn't understand
B

BoyNoMore

Registrant
I was wondering if anyof you have any advise as to how to hepl my wife understand some of our issues.

A few years ago I testified at the sentencing hearing of the man that abused me over 30 years ago. It was very freeing and moved me along in the healing process. My wife, although she was a great support to me through that time, does not understand why I never came forward before that time. However, from time to time when the subject of SA comes up, I have found out that she is very angry with me for not doing anything before that time, i.e., gone to the authorities in my home town to press charges. Although I have attempted to explain to her the hole that the perp had on me and the shame (faults as it was)that goes along with being a male who has been sexually abused as a boy, she still expresses her anger toward me that I didn't do anything before I was in my late 30's. Although I know she loves me and I do love her, I don't know how to get it through to her how hurtful it is when she tells me how angry (at me) she is that I basically did nothing about my abuse until recently. To a point, sometimes this just makes me want to not tell her very much about the things that I deal with because of the SA. Which, I fear will put a wedge between us. I have told her that it is hurtful when she says these thing, but because she has never experienced (and I am thankful of that) SA, she just doesn't get it.

Therefore, I quietly resolve to selectively discuss my SA issues with her. Some she can handle while others would push her over the edge.

Well, thanks for letting me babble for a bit. I would appreciate anyones insights on this issue.

BoNoMore
 
(((Bonomore)))

I can relate. My wife thinks I am so "over this" and beyond it. Like her period....NOT....it comes back every month......so there.... not nice but i said it.......it's how i feel.......
 
This is all going to sound harsh, but so be it. Consider it tough love. Your post really bothers me.

I was wondering if any of you have any advise as to how to help my wife understand some of our issues.
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Give her a book. I recommend either "Victims No Longer" or "Betrayed as Boys". IF she WANTS to understand, she must educate herself. As a bonus, she will be able to help you through the tough times.

Which, I fear will put a wedge between us.
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Now I don't mean to be unkind, but it seems to me that your wife has created a huge wedge, and doesn't seem to want to get rid of it.

I can understand her emotion and the initial reaction - I experienced a similar reaction from someone, but why does she refuse to understand? I'm guessing she is angry or frustrated about something else and just using this because she is afraid to express her real concern(s).

It just seems so unreasonable to hang on to this, especially after you have explained. I get the impression there is something more here.

I have told her that it is hurtful when she says these thing, but because she has never experienced (and I am thankful of that) SA, she just doesn't get it.
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You are being too accomodating here. It doesn't matter if she understands the intricacies and details of how you (we) are affected. It sounds like she's not listening anyway. What matters is that you have told her that her words are hurtful and yet she doesn't stop. I don't think I am wrong to say that she is being abusive. She deliberately hurts you.

Damn it, she is attacking the Victim. "Why didn't you do something sooner?" Next it will be "Why didn't you stop it?", and then "You really wanted it didn't you?"

You say she just doesn't get it. I think she doesn't want to get it, and for both your sakes you need to find out why, and fast.

Is it possible her trust in you is damaged because she feels like you kept a secret? Do you think maybe she feels deceived - that you weren't the person she thought? Is it possible she feels some second-hand shame? Maybe she just doesn't want to think about things like this but now she has no choice. Maybe she is so furious at the people who hurt you that she is taking it out on the nearest target? Maybe she feels now that you are damaged somehow, maybe dangerous? Maybe she doesn't like the recovering you as much as she liked the "damaged, victimized" you. Does she feel less needed as you become stronger?

I can't help wondering how you react after she expresses this anger at you. Are you doing whatever you can to defuse her anger? Going out of your way to please and reassure her? Is this some method of control or emotional blackmail?

I don't know how to get it through to her how hurtful it is when she tells me how angry (at me) she is that I basically did nothing about my abuse until recently.
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There's only way to get through to her. Straight up. Straight out. I don't know how directly you have talked about this with her, but if you have been truthful and direct, to no good effect, then I suggest a therapist to help her sort this all out, whether jointly with you or alone. Her continuing to express anger at you, for that particular reason, is inappropriate and abusive.

I'm sorry if this offended you in any way. It's all just my opinion, but I think it's a very unhealthy situation you describe, with the potential to get much worse.

Donald
 
Thank you for your forthrightness! Not offensive at all, instead it has been very thought provoking. I need to think these things over a bit before I respond much further. I do know that she has a lot of anger issues that she pushed down. Regarding what she knew and didn't know, she knew before we were married that I had been abused, but I don't think she grasped the depth until later.

More later.

BNM
 
Don beat me to it, I was going to say get her to read the chapter about family and friends in Mike Lews book "Victims no Longer" - if you haven't got it go to the home page and order it via Amazon.

Tell her to read the whole book, then she'll understand.

Other than that Don says it all.

Lloydy
 
BoyNoMore:

I told my wife about my SA as soon as I knew about it. Of course that was just last year, when I began to have flashbacks. We had been married over 21 years. All she had ever heard before was about my being abused in general like physically & verbally. She did say she remembered before we were married my saying I was in some way molested as a child. Funny I don't even remember that--I was 23 when we got married! :confused:

Anyway, my wife knew from the start that I had remembered nothing before the flashbacks, and didn't question my further on why I didn't do anything sooner or try to stop it. So I'm very fortunate there.

For a while, I think just out of concern that I not keep things inward so they explode outward, she kinda pressed me about who did what--not sexual details--just in general.

I started thinking maybe she was being codependent and told her there were things I just wanted to be more sure of and some things I just wasn't ready to say. Like telling her my mother our daughters' paternal grandmother--incested me. Not an easy thing to say or to hear.

But again, fortunately for me, she did back off pretty quickly & totally. That may be partly becuz when I knew something & was ready to tell her, I did it, and we'd talk about it as needed.

So anyway your situation is quite a bit different from mine. Tho perhaps there is something in my experience that might be of help to you. I pretty much affirm what Don has said about this.

As Orodo indicated, sometimes you just need to exercise tough love. I know its easy for me to say, but I wouldn't say it if I'd never had to do it myself.

As I told my wife, ultimately you can't understandthis SA & what it's done to me, becuz you've not experienced it. What you cando is be understanding about it and about me. I don't know if you've told your wife that or if you could.

I do hope the two of you will be able to work thru this together. Good reading like was suggested could help. Ditto on therapy. My wife went to just two sessions with me and my T, and it made a big difference.

Take Care

Wuame
 
Hi boynomore,
Im not sure what I can add here. I just wonder how I could make someone understand something I dont,not at this point in my recovery anyway. I just wanted you to know that when I first found this board I felt hopeless, trapped, ready to just give up. I found men here that understood what I didnt, men that understood the feeling I was haveing and had no idea how to fell. And I also found the courage to go find a pro to talk to about my abuse. So I guess what I'm trying to say boynomore....keep talking, here, somewhere, anywhere you feel safe. If thats with your wife then so be it, if not please find a safe place for you to go. If you havent tried the chat that is offered you may want to, I met the person that I would say is my best friend there and now his and my family have really become good friends. So thats that
Will all hugs you need,
Your brother in pain
James
 
BoyNo More,

Getting my wife through my recovery was the hardest part for me. She had trouble understanding why I had not told her anything--even though she knew I didn't remember. We kept coming back the the fact that I just did not remember prior to two months ago. I think that was the hardest part for her--understanding that I could not remember and therefore could not do anything about it.
My wife was outraged that some one had harmed me, and I often was on the receiving end of her anger. My wife was abused far more than I was, so I'm not sure how much of her anger was over my abuse and how much was over her own.
Our situations are so similar that my gut feeling is that your wife has some abuse issues of her own. Maybe she is not angry that you didn't do something, but angry that she didn't.
 
New:

That's a good point. It certainly wasn't easy with my wife either, and initially she couldn't fathom how I couldn't remember such horrible things. After I told her that was why I didn't remember them, I had to forget to survive, she understood & has (always) been very understanding about it.

But then my wife grew up in a pretty typically normal & happy home, whatever that really is. Certainly she was not abused in any way.

BoyNoMore, is it possible you're wife is transferring; that is, maybe a subconscious cry, not so much asking why you didn't remember as why she didn't remember? Just another thot.

Hope you can work it out fellow survivor.

New, good to hear from you. Hope all is well.

Wuame
 
I just want to make a small point.

I have learned that there are some things I cannot share with my wife. They are too traumatic for her. That is not to say we don't share. I share many of my recollections and a lot of the pain, but not EVERYTHING. That is what my therapist, and my journal are for.

I hope this helps a little.
 
Cement:

Thanks, that's another good point. I learned the hard way not to tell my wife every fine detail of every single event. It's more pain than she can or needs to bear. She knows what she needs to know.

Right now my T knows more but even he doesn't know it all, not all the little details. We're both fine with that.

That journal comes in mighty handy...

Wuame
 
Hi!

I want to say that the more i recover the more i dare take initiatives and have opinions of my own.
A big issue for me is the feeling of guilt and shame and this feeling is enhanced by the fact that my dad always played the role of the guilty one or martyr. Even though he was my abuser, as a married man myself i can easily identify with him and his roleplay.
My wife has a tendency to play on those feelings. It goes automatically.
As we recover and find that little by little we can allow ourselves moments without being repressed by shame and disgust or uncleanliness i think we face something very different. For me this seems to imply a whole set of new things and it includes how i view my wife and it has impact on our relationship. Suddenly it becomes clear that i sometimes get to play the victim.
I think it is important that we dare to take the conflicts as they arise. It means that we have our own judgement and our wives should love us for that. It ought to be more interesting now when we are more independent and thinking individuals.
By now i am way off the subject.

I agree that perhaps it may not be a good idea to tell everything. But your wife's inquiries as to your not having told before seem futile, redundant and they only do harm. She ought to commend you for finally having told and not scold you.
Conflicts will arise and if she loves you for the free man you will become she really loves YOU. If it turns out that she is in love with an abusive pattern, well as hard as it is she doesn't see much of you, she needs to fulfil herself with confirmation. This means that deep down she is a very insecure woman herself.

I wish you all the best,

Erik
 
BoyNoMore
I think Erik's spot on here

But your wife's inquiries as to your not having told before seem futile, redundant and they only do harm. She ought to commend you for finally having told and not scold you.
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however hard that might seem.
And it's probably going to take a lot to change that attitude, and in the end only we can effect change on ourselves. It's no use someone telling you what to do, we've got to want to change. And you're wife will be no different.

But change can be discussed, debated and encouraged.
And if you are well informed about what you want for both of you, the easier it's going to be.

Talk till you drop, explain and explain again but remember that the most important thing is empathy, we need it and so do others.
If you've gone through the trauma of testifying, and enough recovery to be where you are, you know the why's and wherefore's of SA, share that wealth of knowledge with her.

Lloydy
 
Erik

I think it is important that we dare to take the conflicts as they arise. It means that we have our own judgement and our wives should love us for that. It ought to be more interesting now when we are more independent and thinking individuals.
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Isn't this a major thing to overcome though ?
As we progress we suddenly find ourselves faced with all kinds of new abilities, and as conflicts and troubles arise instead of avoiding them and retreating into our old behaviours we now find ourselves dealing with them - sometimes not so well - but we try - and using the new things we've learned.

And even if we don't always get it right, yes - it's good to be loved for trying to become more interesting, independant, thinking individuals than we were.

Here's to trying. Lloydy

:D
 
The responses have been extremely helpful to me to try to figure out my own wife. It has been really difficult especially since I faced the abuse head on 34 years into a marriage and 45 years since the abuse. She doesn't understand. It did not help things that I acted out, I had to figure myself out. I can now, thanks to this group and the retreat, not be ashamed, face it all talk about it all to anyone including her. We are working on things and I have come to realize that there is really no easy way for a spouse to face it other than through time. We were there, we felt the trama, we felt the betrayal, it is hard to convey to someone else. Be strong, you among friends, friends that have been there done that.
 
Ernie:

Glad to hear it! Another example of how our supportive sharing helps us all. Wish you well in your efforts.

Wuame
 
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