wife and I figuring things out

DrGreen

Registrant
i hope this doesn't ramble too much. I am posting what my wife and I are going through right now in hopes it might help someone else or insight for the path we are setting ourselves on.

This past week my wife and i had a very open, serious conversation about our future.

I consider myself bi and have accepted that in the past couple of years.

My wife and I have always had very open communication and that is probably going to be our saving grace.

It is in my nature to be very dedicated to anything I commit to. Despite my urges to be close with a male, i have avoided any physical contact with anyone besides my wife.

My wife has said she has known for many years, suspecting I was gay. She has felt I am not attracted to her for too long.

With the birth of our first son, there was way too much water that really stretched her belly out and I have struggled with my attraction to her as motherhood has taken a toll on her body. I have hated myself for this.

several years ago, we both started drinking and it got to be heavy at times. My wife would get drunk and say mean things that she wouldn't remember. If i was drinking too, it could get bad as I quit caring what I said and knew 90% of the time she wouldn't remember. yeah.. not a great situation.

At the beginning of this year, i pretty much just laid it out there. pick one. the drinking or the family because i am done and her drinking had become a "deal breaker" for me.

After a particularly bad fight about 6 years ago, I quit drinking. i saw the impact it was having on my children and i couldn't live with myself being that way anymore. Not that I never drink, but, i rarely drink more than 5 drinks in a month anymore. and often go months without drinking anything.

early this year, my wife went to AA for a couple of months and the drinking stopped for a couple of months. she still drinks now but has been very good about not having more than 2 glasses of wine in a night.

its better and I have hope.

I know the drinking has a lot to do with me not being attracted. I also know I don't force her to drink and there are also other issues in play.

we were both very broken children. my sexual abuse, she was very emotionally abused/neglected and was exposed to sex parties (not part of it but saw things a kid should not see) from a young age.

One thing about our pasts though - we have protected our children from the damages we experienced as children.

We have amazing kids that think for themselves, wont be pushed around, stand up for themselves and are compassionate to others. a parenting success!

Not saying it is easy... lets get real here... teens... causing gray hair globally.

My wife and I are a great team and compliment each other really well.

We both agree. We are happy with 85% of our marriage.

Neither one of us are feeling fulfilled sexually.

After a lot of deep conversations, part of our sexual fulfillment is related to the fact that neither one of us had a lot of sexual partners growing up. Between religious beliefs when younger, fear of pregnancy and STD's/Aids, we were scared of having sex. :( we both wish we had more experience before we got married.

And now, I have come to realize that ignoring my SSA urges isn't going to be a life long option.

My wife things I am pansexual. All these terms/labels are new to me and frankly really don't seem necessary to me - but then again, I am a Gen X'er and I do REALLY hate labels. Im getting over that. :) She might be right. I have fallen in love with male and female in my life, But I have always had to care for someone to be with them. I am not one that can "perform" on demand.

I love my wife and kids and I do NOT want to go anywhere.

My wife wants me to be happy and I want her to be happy.

So, we have started down the path of opening up our marriage. a little bit.

We are going to explore what we are open to.

we are considering a 3 some. - my wife is 100% hetro.

So, we are going to explore this with a friend of mine that is single and bi. We are meeting to spend the afternoon and have dinner with him in a week.

Our "ideal" situation, or our "unicorn" if you will, would be to find a bi-sexual guy that is attracted to us both and that is the extent of how much we open up our relationship.

Now, being realists... we figure the odds of finding that are akin to winning the lottery.

Our rules are:
No exes.

Approval of who on a per person basis. - meaning when we identify someone we see a connection with, we agree to talk about it and our partner has the right to veto.

safe sex always.

no overnights

no being away from the family on a regular basis.

We both really trust each other and neither of us are looking to hurt each other. we both want each other to be happy and our happiness is tied together.

We expect jealousy to open its green eyes, and is why we are progressing slowly.

again, our open communication will be key for this to be successful.

It has been an emotional journey to get here and we are hopeful for our future.

We have a great life together.
My bet is on us.
We are going to figure this out for ourselves. lol.

Something we have both always done, marched to the beat of our own drum.
 
Good luck with your adventure in polyamory. The younger generation seems to be teaching us that rigid roles and expectations aren't necessary when it comes to sexual expression. My trauma history always kept free and easy sexuality which was part of my generation, undoable. I was too terrified of sexuality to do anything but play a conventional seduction game. I was good at it, hence there were four marriages, but real intimacy was impossible so there were also four divorces.

I appreciate how thoughtful you're being, even in identifying potential land mines you might encounter. I don't know how old your children are but don't underestimate how sensitive they are to what is transpiring in the home and in your relationship. I expect the drinking you both indulged in was recognized and bringing another person into your sex life will likely register for them on some level as well. But as you note, this is an experiment and you'll only understand the consequences once you taken action. I wish the best for you and your whole family.
 

DrGreen

Registrant
Good luck with your adventure in polyamory. The younger generation seems to be teaching us that rigid roles and expectations aren't necessary when it comes to sexual expression. My trauma history always kept free and easy sexuality which was part of my generation, undoable. I was too terrified of sexuality to do anything but play a conventional seduction game. I was good at it, hence there were four marriages, but real intimacy was impossible so there were also four divorces.

I appreciate how thoughtful you're being, even in identifying potential land mines you might encounter. I don't know how old your children are but don't underestimate how sensitive they are to what is transpiring in the home and in your relationship. I expect the drinking you both indulged in was recognized and bringing another person into your sex life will likely register for them on some level as well. But as you note, this is an experiment and you'll only understand the consequences once you taken action. I wish the best for you and your whole family.
Thank you very much for the time you took and insights.

Yes, seeing the younger generations being so open and seeing how freeing it is for them caught my attention. Growing up very religious. I felt damned to hell for my thoughts and feelings so i pretty much just shoved the all into nice little boxes along with my trauma.

our kids are senior, sophomore and 5th grade. the drinking has absolutely affected the kids. It is all tempered with a lot of love and affection in our home. our kids know they are loved. but they are gun shy when DW starts drinking again.

As far as going down this path, it will not be in the home and it will not be something they will ever see as children. We don't want to influence any of our childrens sexuality. we very much encourage our children to be true to themselves.

We will proceed slowly and be cautious of each others feelings for everyone involved.
 
Slow is good... being honest and respectful is good. Each step of the way you'll want to check in with one another. Since your wife is heterosexual and you have leanings toward men, adding a man to the equation could prove especially tantalizing for you. This is definitely unexplored territory for all three of you. Fortunately, this combination has never been in my fantasy world so I don't need to go there in my mind... you can have your play and I can let it all go... :cool: Good luck!
 
Good for you on the refusal to let labels stick and the open communication. I hope it continues as only in open honest communication is there hope. I too put honesty with myself in a small box and tried to bury it - until it exploded. Since I have shed the guilt instilled by the church and the Perp, I have found I like myself - really like myself and a lady who knows all but judges not. Life is good!
 
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