Why?

[Greg56]

A question we all struggle with. Why me? Why did he/she do this to me? Why did this happen? Why?

Although there could be a million scientific answers to these questions...all of the answers boil down to simply..."this is who they were/are". We were simply just one of their objectifications.

So if you accept this thought/view. Is it really worth bothering with anymore?

Greg

 

[Jacob S]

Is it worth trying to figure out "why me?" No, I don't think so. Except to figure out how to stop it from happening to others.

 

[NC-Survivor]

Good wisdom from you both! Thank you!

 

[Strangeways]

I think we all struggle with that question. For some of us, it's more of an issue than others. The woman who abused me was my ex-wife. My "why" question contains stuff like "Why did I stay?" and "Why did I let her do that to me?" For me, "why" is a very uncomfortable and soul-searching question.

Most of the folks here will have an easier answer. "Because my parents were mentally ill." and "Because I was unfortunate enough to run into a predator." Although we ALL feel like it's our fault, these folks are really, really faultless for their abuse and hopefully will all eventually come to that conclusion. YOU DID NOTHING WRONG. IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT.

 

[Greg56]

Strangeways...you are exactly correct. I imagine that more than 99.9% of victims of any crime, any where... did not do anything to provoke the crimes committed against them. And yet most of us ask the same question...why?

Since I don't believe that most of us are Scientist/Psychiatrist etc., I think that the best we can do(as sexually abused people) is...to understand that it was not our fault, not our guilt...these things belong to the perpetrator, not us. So, asking why did it happen to me?...is just another way that we punish/abuse and confuse ourselves.

Greg

 

[smc1972]

I am stuck on the why question and have been for a long time. I hate it cause I feel I will never answer it. It is not just the one why, but many whys. Why me why they did it why I liked it why I let it continue why I initiated it later why I use it it today in my mind.

 

[KMCINVA]

I believe most victims ask themselves why me? I would guess in most cases there is no answer other than the perp's need to satisfy their own selfish needs. No matter how manner times the abuser says we asked for it, we wanted it, we deserve to be treated this way, it is a lie by the abuser. It allows the abuser to gain control over the victim. I struggled with the "why" questions for a lifetime. I finally realized I just happened to be there and to the abuser I looked like an easy prey. There is no sound answer to the question. Asking ourselves that question, at least for me, allowed the abuser to control my life and it allowed others to prey on this weakness by their destructive behavior towards me that further unraveled my life. Sadly all live with a lie that what has been done is not abuse. In the end, it is the abuser who needs to be held accountable, to assume responsibility and for the victim to accept it happened and it cannot be changed. The victim needs to let go of these emotions--easier said than done. Sadly, too many rally behind the abusers over the victims which complicates the resolution of these questions--the gang mentality lives quite well in the world of abuse.

Kevin

 

[Gistin]

Although there could be a million scientific answers to these questions...all of the answers boil down to simply..."this is who they were/are". We were simply just one of their objectifications.

Geez Really?!

I was done with this shit eating me alive, I got aggressive the last week.
I found one of my abusers, now ex-wife online yesterday through a property deed search with DNR. Sent an email to first see if I had the right person. We've been exchanging emails vetting our connection, and today we have a 100% confirmation. This brought some unexpected tears of relief, as in I'm close to getting this guy whom abused his son and me! Victory then followed with fear, and wonder if I should even move forward? My abuser is still an alcoholic asshole it sounds.

I'm still waiting to hear back if I can connect with her Son, she only knows something heavy went down, no details. I wanted to face that man... but in some twist of the universe I see this post.

And for what? I'm supposed to accept that it will all boil down to "We were simply just one of their objectifications."

I suppose you are right, and I just don't like hearing it. I just feel the only way I see to get past some of the wonder that haunts me, is to find both of my abusers, and victims. I have such anger, and super triggered by this post.

Note added after:
This post just hit me wrong, I'm sorry if this comes across harsh, not a personal attack, just the message...

 

[Greg56]

Sorry...I know that it doesn't/won't be accepted by everyone..I didn't/don't mean to minimize. Why? had been an obstacle to me also... A BIG OBSTACLE! He told me it was my fault, that I had made him do it, and I accepted that. But, could never figure out how I did it. Then when I was raped by my first and last roommate, and then molested by my Dr., I thought it must be true, somehow I bring this on myself. But, again...I spent my life trying to figure out what was it about me that made these three guys do this to me.

Once I accepted that there was no way I could know the "why". That it wasn't me...it was them...that I just happened along...I was able to move on. I suppose me being somewhat on the naive side didn't help...but that doesn't make it my fault.

Good Luck in your mission. I wish you well.
Greg

 

[Gistin]

@Greg56 I'm sorry you went through that, and it was selfish of me to go off like that. I can see the wisdom in what you're saying, I really can after cooling off. You clearly have been down some roads to arrive on those words.

Is it worth bothering anymore?
Desire for vengeance. In truth I feel like I was so young, and I didn't have a voice. In some way I need this validation. I think to have the physical person there for me to blame directly, share my suffering. My anger for a long time is very dark, the things I wish I could do in return. In the end though, it's completely one-sided and self-serving for me. Even if I'd ask the "Why?", I know it would come down to some fake, or selfish response from the abuser.

Thank you Greg, and I'm sorry for lashing out.

 

[NC-Survivor]

I understand what you all are feeling. I was able to confront my Minister-perp a few years after the assault. It was done within the denomination leadership. Definitely kept hush-hush.

I with there was a way to make it more public. Perhaps might encourage his other victims to come forward. Though he should be dead or in his 90s, I think it would be important for them. I found a website that lists Abuse scandals published in the media, sorted by denomination. United Methodist worldwide was at least 1 per year. sad.

My perp-father is different. I think all the abused know, if they remember. For those I am friends on Facebook, if they see my #MeToo #1in6 posts, they can certainly ask.

 

[Visitor]

...I was done with this shit eating me alive, I got aggressive the last week.
I found one of my abusers, now ex-wife online yesterday through a property deed search with DNR. Sent an email to first see if I had the right person. We've been exchanging emails vetting our connection, and today we have a 100% confirmation. This brought some unexpected tears of relief, as in I'm close to getting this guy whom abused his son and me! Victory then followed with fear, and wonder if I should even move forward? My abuser is still an alcoholic asshole it sounds.

I'm still waiting to hear back if I can connect with her Son, she only knows something heavy went down, no details. I wanted to face that man... but in some twist of the universe I see this post.

And for what?...

If your abuser is still alive you might want to consider reporting the abuse to the police. Pedophiles don't tend to give up their fixation on youngsters so it is possible others are at risk. Yes, it would be good if his son would report him as well, if you were able to contact him and have a conversation about your experiences. He may or may not be able to look at this chapter of his life. I found it very affirming to make contact with the police department in the community where I grew up. I haven't yet filed a police report but the officers with whom I've been in contact are willing to receive my report. The reality in my circumstance is that it is doubtful anyone involved in my abuse when I was 3 to 7 years old is still alive. I'm not a young man. But you may wish to consider reporting this to the police. We're not obliged to remain victims our whole life... we can become survivors capable of caring for ourselves and protecting ourselves. All the best to you...

 

[Visitor]

A question we all struggle with. Why me? Why did he/she do this to me? Why did this happen? Why?

Greg

There is the question why and the question why me? I think I've come to answers for both questions. I began with the why... my mother was depressed and frightened when I arrived in her life. She wasn't capable of caring for this precious child who'd arrived and used his sweet vulnerability to manage her own feelings, causing overwhelming pain for me. Why me was easy since I was the one at hand that she could use. Years later when the perpetrator who lived next door began grooming me, he doubtless recognized the vulnerable, needy child who'd been terrified by his mother. That was why me... I was already damaged... easy prey.

Of course, none of this ultimately solves the underlying problem that life is scary and I can't tolerate living in this body without dissociating... running away as often as possible so I don't have to encounter the terror and sadness. So understanding why is simply another distraction. I've used a thousand of them over the years because I'm a naturally curious person. Now I want more than simply satisfying my curiosity. I recall taking a class with a man who spoke of "cookies for the mind..." I know the mind needs its cookies, but my heart wants a bit of tender hearted kindness. That, of course, is the work of the rest of my life and one of the reasons I come to this website for support. We all can use a little help coming to terms with our life experience. Good luck on your journey of healing Greg.

 

[F.A.]

My personal thoughts on "Why Me", for a long time I asked that then one day I put it together. I wasn't special, I wasn't mature for my age, I wasn't abnormal, I wasn't weak, I wasn't marked. I WAS AVAILABLE!
He was a predator and I was just an object to fulfill his need, there was no love or attraction it was the act of power, control, and cumming.

 

[NC-Survivor]

@F.A. - A Lot of truth and wisdom in that statement.