Why?

[reality2k4]

I dont know how this message comes across, and I suppose it sounds like it is maybe too logical.

Is it so impossible that we can keep the forum and the chat free from any imposed opinions or prejudice.

I do not think assumptions are needed here or in chat. And they really can hurt others.

Yeah, I was going to delete it, but no I dont do it.

Is it so hard that we cannot empathise with others who go through hurt of CSA? I dunno that answer.

I am not so good with words sometimes, but i sure react to hurt, and also react to others hurt too, and surely it should be my strength, but it can be a weakness too.

All men have great strength, but they also harbour great weakness.

I suppose we can express anger through weakness, but why do we have to express it here?

Why do we deny others? I dont know that answer.

Denial is a weapon that maybe got used against us, but it should surely give us so much inner strength.

I only ask this question, WHY?

Why hurt others when you got hurt yourself?

ste

 

[sophiesdad]

Ste:

I'm not quite sure if you are referring to anything in particular. But I'll try to explain what my thoughts are on this...

This forum (and others like it) is full of people who have been betrayed, abused, thrown away, and taken advantage of. Most of us have knee-jerk reactions to things and sometimes we DO step on each others' toes.

Then, there are some issues that are packed with a high emotional charge for us. Those are sometimes the ones that can get seriously out of hand. That's what the mods and BOD are here for. It's harder here, because when they try to refocus everyone, they are dependent on the fact that people will read their messages and understand. In "real time" groups it's easier for the therapist to step in because he/she has basically a captive audience and the message is heard by everyone at the same time.

This is not the only board where this happens. I belonged once to a forum for people who suffer chronic physical pain. That forum was sometimes brutal becuase it was unmoderated. And when you get people who are in tremendous physical pain 24/7, we tend to be time-bombs waiting to explode.

So, I think that this type of forum is a unique animal unto itself. It takes a lot of self-control to not get that flight-or-fight reaction that so many of us are used to. It was the way that we had to survive or I venture to say that most of us would have ended our lives many many years ago. We had to kick, scream, scratch and punch our way through life (even if it was psychological) - that was the way that we could survive what happened to us.

On the other hand, conflict and disagreements are part of life also. People DO have arguments - if people didn't disagree, then there would be something seriously wrong. I am concerned about couples who say that they NEVER disagree... there's something wrong there. The trick is to be sure to get to the absolute core of what the issue is. Everything else is on the periphery.

My wife and I have "honed" our disagreements down to a very science. We no longer waste time arguing about all of the side issues any more like we did when we were first married. We can usually hit the REAL problem square on and our disagreements (which are very few now) are usually solved in a very short time frame. We get to the core issue and then negotiate from there.

So, you are right in your observation of what happens here sometimes.. will it happen again? Absolutely. But there is much to also be learned in the healing process that happens afterwards. This is where we learn what forgiveness is truly all about. Sometimes, we may disagree with someone and finally agree to disagree and leave it at that. Then we try to focus our attention on other issues where we can be helpful.

From what I've seen here, I think that the best way to avoid these "flare ups" is to stay clear of issues of "what SHOULD be". It's not that I'm saying it's bad to bring these things up. But if the main focus of this forum is to try and heal through sharing of experiences, then I think it takes a concerted effort to always maintain the conversations as to "How I feel today.", or "This triggered my SA memories - I need someone to help me back to a sense of reality." These are the types of things to concentrate on.

personally, now when I see something pop up that I find a negative situation, I have decided that I MUST steer clear of it. It only sucks me into a very negative space and God knows, I live in that space too much anyway. I need to focus my energy on helping other people and learning to ask for help when I need it. I need to focus on the 99.0% of positive, healing, nurturing stuff that goes on here and let the .1% go on its merry way.

I hope that I make some sense in what I said.

SD

 

[Cement]

Well said, as always, SD.

I would just add that we all need to do the best we can, but sometimes "the best we can" may trigger sensitivity in others.

I personally need to try to extend my understanding, even when I am triggered. The reaction I am having usually comes from my issue, not the issue of the triggering event, even if that event is something I perceive as hurtful.

I am not talking about a personal attack; no attacks should be tolerated here, nor are they. But, I need to work through my MISinterpretation of events. This may be a different level of recovery than what others are at, but it is no less of a challenge.

MS provides me the opportunity to extend my understanding and trust, even if opening up for trust and understanding carries some risk. This is still the safest place to share, and the only place I can truly share who I am with men who will understand.