Why, why, why...

Why, why, why...
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Today I can't seem to cope with all that has happened. I tell myself that I'm not to blame for what happened, but today there is no comfort in that.
How could this happen to me? Why didn't I stop it?
I try to reason with it; I was small, frightened, scared. My perp was not much bigger than I. Why didn't I run or hit him?
I can't understand why I submitted to the abuse.
My reasoning fails me today. I'm back on my knees.

you put me down
down on my knees
there I watched
life pass by
an endless parade
of nameless crotches
But now I've looked
you in the eye
not content
to be passed by
now I stand
IN YOUR FACE
in spite of you
I found my place

28 years in 14 lines. I think I'm fine, but I'm not.
Ok guys, I need lol today.
Devon
 
wow Devon!

that was powerful. don't be too hard on yourself my friend. i have asked myself some of the same questions you do. i am understanding that i did the best i could at the time given the wounds i carried with me. i know that by the time my perpetrators ran into me i had already been taught to be a victim, to just take it.

and i believe that my temperament is and was one of nonviolence. it always has been. i have dreamed of responding with physical violence but i never have. it just isn't my way. and does that make me a coward? no, it doesn't. it makes me me.

today as an adult i only respond with what comes my way. you must become violent with me for me to be violent in return. this is how i am today.

and i do not take the law into my own hands since i have no desire to spend time behind bars. i know how men are brutalized including raped behind bars and i have no desire for such. so once again don't be too hard on yourself Devon and keep visiting this board. it can be really helpful. take care,

bec
 
I agree with bec. Wow! That was powerful and artfully done. The economy of your words belies their content.
Thanks for sharing your heart felt pain of betrayal. It certainly touched the tenderness deep within my heart and resonates there. This was my response to what you shared and I think in
the spirit in which it wad shared:

......... If I knew then what I know now ...........

My father had died I needed someone
to teach me to be a man

My mother told me he was it by default

He was all I had for a role model

I needed his esteem

I did everything I could to get those things
but the price was too high

I needed his love and acceptance
he gave me his contempt and used me

Sex was his most powerful weapon to hurt

He passed on his shame
as if he could so easily schuck that filthy mantle

My body responded like it
was biologically programed to do

Even "it" betrayed me

"it" entrapped me

I was still a child

The powerful intensity of sexual feelings
was more than I could handle
at that age

Confused, dazed, I went back for more

"In spite of" myself "I found my place"

Partly because the first moment it happened
was after the last moment I had a family

I was now completely isolated from everyone

At least I could be next to
what I used to have

A twisted part of the grieving process
(on so many levels)
He was still my (empty shell) brother

The title "brother" shouldn't be
synonymous with poison,
the bringer of death,
"SOUL MURDERER"

The title "mother"
is just another synonym here

Thanks again Devon.

------- be gentle with yourself
------------- RJD
 
I ask myself the same questions Devon. Why? Maybe I'll never know why. I don't know. But I understand the fustration. I see from your post you are from or at least in Mississippi. That's interesting. I am from Mississippi originally. That's where the abuse took place. I live in Kentucky now.
 
This post says it all for me. If I have asked that question once I have asked it 10000 times. Why? and Why Me? and Why then? What did I do. Was it my fault. Why didnt I protect myself.

There is no answer to these Whys because what happened is like the random evil things that go on around us on a daily basis. The suicide attack of 9/11 the bonbings throughout the world, and so on add nauseum. All done in the name of God. How angry he must be at us all!!!

The simple answer is that I was in the wrong place at the wrong time and in a vulnerable position. I was there for the taking and take me they did. This is sort of a dehumanizing answer. It reflects that I have no particular worth at all. The question also begs to be asked: Why was I born. The simple answer was because two unwed people had sex and were forced to marry. Dehumanizing to say the least. Then to be told later in life that I was the first mistake they ever made. It is as though there is validity to my being here at all.

In the face of all this I wonder about the struggle to survive and heal.
 
You know you can say what you want to me Devon, you seem to always help me. I don't know maybe I meiss the parts where I help you. Why is a question frequently asked, and seldom answered.
Why anthing? I am glad to be friends with you, and that we are able to talk from time to time.

I look forward to tlaking Devon. :)
 
That is so much powerful. I am sorry it is so hard at you right now, and that you have so much bad happen at you. Please be safe, and do what you can to take care of yourself. I wish you well, and think it quite brave of you to share this here.

Leosha
 
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