why the difference? (TRIGGERS?)

[traveler]

I have wondered about this question off and on over the past few years thought i'd toss it out there to see if anyone else has thought about it or has any plausible explanations.

When I was first trying to figure out what had happened to me as a child and young teen, I was not yet certain that I had been abused. There were many gaps in my memory and a lot of denial and rationalization and excuses as well. I think I was desperately trying to convince myself that I had not been abused and to come up with reasons why it was not.

In the process, I was doing research online to find out what other boys' experiences before and during puberty had been basically trying to discover if I was the only one that such things had happened to or if it was more widespread or even (hopefully) normal. There were several sites I found that gave first-person accounts of boys' first times of having sexual experiences at show & tell, at masterbation, at oral and anal activity and mutual hand-jobs with other boys, at incest with older relatives, and at normal opposite-sex progression though various stages of foreplay up to and including actual intercourse.

What I found in many of the stories was that the narrators considered their experiences normal and fortunate and fun and enjoyable. This was great for supporting my theory that my experiences were not abusive. But it left me with the nagging doubt if it was all good for others, why did I feel so dirty, damaged, guilty and ashamed? Was I just a over-sensitive wimp who didn't realize when I was onto a good thing? What made their experiences which in many ways, paralleled mine positive and pleasurable while mine were demeaning, destructive and traumatizing?

Was it just my attitude?
Was it ignorance - because I didn't know what was going on?
Was it guilt because I had been conditioned to think that anything to do with sex was bad?
Was it fear?
Was it because it was not consensual but forced?
Was it because the attitudes of the perps were so cruel?
Was it because I was just weird?

After all, everybody knows that sex is always supposed to be fun and thrilling and ecstatic right? And some people seem to give the message that there is no such thing as bad sex for a guy as long as you are getting off.

So my follow-up question is were these other guys really being honest was it all good for them?
Or were they seeing it all through rose-colored glasses and putting it in the best light?
Or were they in denial and rationalizing it they way I had tried to but more successfully?
Or have they repressed the damage it did to them and some day it will all erupt like it did for me?

Confusing...
LeE

 

[Jude]

Traveler,

Long before being abused, I experimented with other boys and girls. Playing "doctor"; "show me yours and I'll show you mine", and discovering that touching felt good down there. There was no power disparity, no grooming, no coercion, no manipulation, no force or violence. Just innocent play among curious children.

There was nothing innocent in what happened to me later. I was a kid, he was a man. He wanted to use me for his own sexual gratification. He gave me drugs and alcohol to make me feel like we were special friends, and lower my inhibitions. Part of his enjoyment probably was the power disparity and the feeling of contol it gave him. I was just an object to get him off.

I think thats the difference you are questioning. The proof is in the damage done. I think there are probably very few men in therapy over having played "doctor" with one of their childhood peers. But as we know too well, there are many men in therapy over having been introduced to sex as boys, by an older person interested only in manipulating and using them. There IS a difference.

Jude

 

[don64]

Hi Lee,

I have a best friend. She and her husband seem happy together, their children have no shame about discussing body parts and sexual issues in normal conversation, there is a total absence of any wrongness in any discussions. The children are all unmarried young adults.

The amazing thing for me is the absence of taboos. I had never experienced that before. Having known them for a period of years, it feels genuine, untainted, unspoiled. I can only infer that this family represents life without abuse.

My abuse started before normal exploration. But, my intuition says that healthy exploration is normal, whereas my explorations were driven by compulsions I should have known nothing about.

Don

 

[On The Fringe]

I was having a similar conversation with someone helping me.

Exploring is normal, I did that. Kissing the neighbor girl I was sweet on. The same power level, age, consent.

Having someone hold you down and shove their penis down your throat while you gag is abuse.

I can see and feel the difference, for me personally.

 

[Jay1946]

I dissociated when the abuse was happening and buried the memory for fifty seven years. That's evidence enough that it was traumatic for me.

When I read of other's experiences, mine seems tame in comparison, so I could question whether I'm exaggerating the memory and the trauma. But, I don't.

 

[Suwanee]

Lee,

You bring up a valid series of questions about the difference between "This" and "That." One thing we have to take with a grain of salt is other boys' tales of being "normal" or "fortunate and enjoyable." When it comes to sexual experiences, boys (and men) aren't always known for openly giving an honest appraisal. We always feel like we're being judged--and often times we are.

"That"
Even first-time (mutual) "normal" boy-girl experimentation is often a fumbling fiasco. If asked, I'm gonna say it's all good (wink, nod). Females are so many times much more open about sex than males are in our society. Even 20 years after that fumbling fiasco, the now woman will probably laugh at the event. The boy (man) will shrug it off as a non-event at best, or he will concoct some tremendous cover story that has no bearing in reality. So in a sense, rose-colored glasses or sepia-toned memory is probably in play here.

"This"
When sexual activity occurs between a minor and an adult, it's wrong. I'm not talking about those over-the-top cases where a high school senior is in hot water because he's dating a sophomore. I'm talking about those abuses of the power differential between children and adults no matter the gender of either party. If a child is given perks and attention with a usurious payback, then it's ten kinds of wrong. A child's consent is not adequate. Even a minor forcing another minor into a sexual act is wrong no matter the gender(s) involved. Do you think the juvenile courts would treat a 14 year-old boy with kid gloves if he raped a female classmate? If that classmate victim was a boy (assuming he came forward at all), why should the courts treat that any differently?

Non-consensual sexual activity is a violation. It will remove the "fun, thrilling and ecstatic" aspects of it right then and there-----or years later as you fear.

Will

 

[George]

Traveler,

I've read first time stories as well where the writer was clearly talking about an age / power difference of well over three years, yet still just chalking it up to learning / fun. I could've wrote a story like that too years ago, I was in major denial about what it did to me, how it changed the course of my life, how every decision I ever made since has had the taint of abuse in the mix.

You're sensitive about abuse as we all are here, it's alarming to read that others don't see it as abusive and it made you question your self... but abuse IS abuse, your gut is right on this. Hopefully those people who are still in denial have a soft landing when they do fall, as you know it will all come crumbling down at some point as it did for us.