Why isnt he angry enough to turn him in

Why isnt he angry enough to turn him in

Amandaadb

Registrant
For survivors:

My boyfriend, soon to be father of my child (little boy due in March) has struggled with depression our entire relationship. He's been increasingly withdrawn from me and my children the closer we have gotten to the birth of our son. I finally pushed hard enough that he cracked and broke down. He was exploited and molested from the age of 12 to 18+. Drugs, alcohol, anything to numb and let him avoid the reality. The only adult he told made him feel like because he accepted expensive gift from this monster that he "must have wanted it". My bf is now sober. That was hard enough. And NOW I understand the reasons behind every struggle he/we have had. Problem is... This man is STILL inserting himself in our lives. I've even met him. I had a weird feeling about him, their relationship didn't make sense to me, but i didn't KNOW. My boyfriend has tried to cut ties in the past, but the man continued to destroy every relationship my boyfriend has ever had until me. The man messaged me on FB (before I knew...) the last time my bf stopped responding to him... for fear I would find out, my bf began responding again. He has said he will cut ties again, but I worry that the connection is too strong. And he won't turn the man in. Even tho the abuse happened before laws changed and the man could still be held responsible for what he did. So Why? Why isn't he as angry at this disgusting excuse for a human as I am? I know the answers. But I'm !!!!!!fiercely!!!!! angry at the person who has destroyed so much of his confidence, sense of control, ability to trust... I feel like I can't do anything but cry. Because I can't make him get help. I can't make him feel the hatred I WISH he felt. I know he has to do it all on his own time... but what do I do with all of this while I'm waiting and hurting and praying and hoping? Revealing it all to me the last few days has caused it all to come flooding back. Everything he has suppressed. Neither of us can think of anything else. I can't touch him. He can't sleep. He barely eats. I worry about his ability to continue like this. I try to distract him and act normal, tell him I love him a billion times per day. Smile as much as possible. He loves when I smile. but nothing helps. Nothing.

I'm strong. And my love for him is so strong. I will see him thru... but HOW?
 
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I responded on your other post.

But to answer your question as to why won't your bf get angry at his perp and report him? Why won't he make it clear the guy isn't welcome? Shame, guilt, believing it was his fault, believing he wanted the abuse, extreme anger towards himself are all reasons why guys find themselves stuck. Externally, the perp could be threatening him with public disclosure, lying to him that he liked it and likes it still. Ask your bf what he felt the very first time he remembered being abused - because sadly we can acclimate to most anything feeling "normal." Stockholm Syndrome is another reason often quoted for why the abused cannot get out of the situation. I don't know the perp, but if he was meeting your bf's emotional needs during the abuse - that's just one more thing a kid can be terrified to lose no matter what the price he's paying for it.
 
You said "I can't make him feel the hatred I wish he felt." You're right - you can't, and i'd advise you not to try. One of the most important things we can do to support our survivors is to give them space to feel the many messy, conflicting, at times disturbing and sometimes (seemingly)nonsensical emotions that come with this territory. Many have been told all their lives how they "should" feel (or not to feel at all).

it is understandable your angry and thats the sign of a loyal and loving partner, and it is okay to gently express your concerns to him. But try not to judge him...MO-Survivor has given many good reasons above as to why this could be very, very complicated for him. Try to go gently and refrain from inserting yourself or offering an opinion.

Deciding to report to the police is a highly personal decision for any survivor and the timing is also personal and depends a lot on where they are in healing. My survivor had been working on this stuff for 10 years before he went to the police.
Just facing authority is difficult as is telling a stranger about the abuse. As is confronting one's own feelings toward the abuser.
 
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