Saying it out loud for the first time. Saying it in a group. Meeting other Survivors. Telling the people WE are important to.
I'm quoting myself from another thread. The first item up there was telling a therapist. That's where it started for me, even though it took me over a year (maybe 2) to say it ALL.
The second and third happened at the same time at a retreat. I didn't think of a retreat myself. My T recommended it, and I trusted him, and went even though I really didn't want to, and fought with myself most of the way there, always keeping the thought that "I can leave any time I want."
Both of these things were necessary for me to make progress. In my opinion, the first, talking to a therapist is essential, but that is another thread.
The second, meeting and telling other Survivors was necessary for a person like me who was so emotionally blocked that I could only simulate happiness and joy, and could only cry and get angry in my therapy sessions.
But this topic is all about the last thing I mentioned. "Telling the people WE are important to."
I said it that way deliberately. There are all sorts of people I care about and are important to me, but there is a heirarchy of sorts, and the top of the heap are the people that
I am important to.
There came a time when my behavior, mood, and my inability to do what I needed to do required an explanation. Maybe "required" is the wrong word. It wasn't demanded and since I'm talking about the people that I am important to, it probably wasn't totally necessary, but telling these people (7 of them) also told me something about myself.
It told me that I had gotten over the shame and guilt I carried, and just didn't accept it anymore at all. It also told me that I had healed enough to be able to talk about this and let these people really know what was going on; really know me.
In some ways, telling the people I am important to was an explanation. In other ways it was a promise that some things were changed and more would be changing.
It also gave me a handful of real-life people who could listen, understand, and help when I found myself lost, afraid, or just unable to deal with something.
It also gave me a sense of responsibility and accountability for my own actions; a way to measure progress - important feedback on what I'm doing or not doing.
I told seven people, all in 2002, and since then it hasn't happened again. It almost did, a couple of times in conversations, one of them very heated, but it just didn't happen, as the conversations turned in another direction.
If I'm asked directly, I'll answer directly, but it's not something I've ever been asked. Not yet, although I can see it happening as the result of discussing something that comes up on the news sometime.
The only other people I've told, in a limited way, are my doctor and my dentist. Both thanked me and told me I had given them a new awareness and understanding which they have used with other patients.
Like anything else we do to recover and heal, it should be what we need and want, not what someone else tells us we should or must do.
But there are things that work and help. Telling the people I am important to was one of them for me. It was scary but it has helped a lot.
