Why I could never abuse

Why I could never abuse
R

reality2k4

Registrant
I could never abuse or even break the trust of any child.

I never have and never could, but how do I know this?

I know it, because when it happened to me, it kept revolving over and over in my mind.
It was a part of going through trauma of what happened, and not understanding how a beast could just snatch my innocence.

It was the realisation of all the hurt that ensued, acts that changed my life around so much, that I made that my lifes promise.

It would never have happened anyway, but somehow, just being a boy, a male with male parts made me sick.

The statistics show that whilst some abused boys do go on to abuse others, most abuse is caused by ones who were never abused sexually, but were brought up in violent households.

The latter have little empathy for any form of life, hence they just walk in and take away what they want.

We see boys who kill animals, even torture them, and they are the ones who most likely will just take what they want from the innocent.

They see it as retaking the control they lost as children, they are also the cause of most really vile crime in society.

If every abuse survivor kept the cycle going, it would be a no go society for all.

I am only touching the edges of profile of who is likely to abuse, but I think society needs a rethink on the likely causes of abuse, and who are the ones most likely to abuse.

I am walking on shaky territory here, and the subject is massive, but it needs to be addressed at some sort of level such as MS.

An example I can give, is when I walked my dogs through fields just to have space and let them be dogs.

This guy tagged on to me, drinking from cans, he had four dogs, all of the dogs were free to run.
His dogs caught a cat in a field and ripped it to pieces in front of me.

He said, why did your dogs not join in!
I was nauseous at what he just said.
I told him that my dogs are not trained to do that, my dogs were terrified at what his dogs did.

Needless to say he was lucky I never floored him, but I just said goodbye, and when I saw him again I kept well away.

The cat could have been a treasured pet, which I am sure it was, but he just saw it as a target for his "pets".

I go mad at the inhumane way animals are treated, but we live in a World were we accept the torture of animals for some sort of buzz.

The guys in this place are the ones who can shape the future of the World, they are in touch with a rare quality, empathy and true love.

This is only ste's view, what do you think?,

ste
 
I too believe ste, that no boy is born an abuser. But learns it from his environment.
So abuse is an acting out of another abuse.

And what keeps him trapped is his own inability to work on his himself and seek help that is readily available. Sometimes from within our blindfolds it is hard to see the sun shining thru, sometimes we have to draw the curtains ourselves.

Sometimes it is also an unwillingness on the part of the survivor to let go of the past and heal it, that keeps him trapped in the cycle of abuse, which started it all.
 
i do believe that abusers are born that way they are missing some essential feeling or something that causes them to have no value for anything other than themselves .i don't believe that abuse creates abusers ,it's just an excuse they use if they get caught ,the only life that matters to them is theirs .could any of you hurt another? no, our abuse made it impossible for us to abuse another. the qualities you describe empathy,love ,compassion ,are missing in them.
 
Ste and others,

This subject comes up from time to time, and I think it's natural for a survivor to wonder if what was done to him could ever make him do the same to others. That fear of the "Vampire Syndrome" is part of our process of digesting everything.

I do think there's an answer to this question, and I have heard this from therapists who deal with abusers:

The survivors who invest the courage and take the risk of talking about their problems and trying to find solutions are not the ones who turn into abusers. It is the guys who sit alone without help or support who are the ones liable to collapse within themselves and their pain and act it out on others.

It is 100% natural to have fears about this. Answer? Just ask your T.

Much love,
Larry
 
Adam, You are right, those qualities, empathy, love and compassion are missing from them. But I don't believe they were born that way. When I was a kid, I had a very good friend named W_______. He was a kind, compassionate, loveing kid. He had those qualities. He was abused by the same perp that got to me and is now doing time for beign a perp.

I don't know why or what made him go bad, but he had all the makings of a good person. I also agree that the abuse didn't cause him to be a perp but I'm sure it is at least a small part of what caused him to go bad.

Darrel
 
When I was in my 20's I actually confronted my abuser when he became a father for the first time. I asked him flat out why he did that to me. he denied it of course ( he was only 2 years older than I). In fact he even went as far to accuse me of being Schizoprenic like my Mom!!!! I think that wraps up the mentality of perps. Here I was being brutaly honest about what happened amost 20 years earlier and he still couldn't pony up to it.I hope he never did anything to his children but if he did I wouldn't be surprised.
 
I dont like quoting official figures because they mean nothing, so dont be mad at me.
Authorities reckon that one in six abused boys go on to actually abuse another.

The figure is simply something they conjure up, and is so misleading, why?

Because most boys stay in silence, but we know that so why does not authority know that!

They simply do not want to frighten the public.

ste
 
Pjn, I dont know how long ago that was, but I would have been tempted to contact agencies about his past.

He had no right to say those things, but this is what we have to expect from them when disclosing.

I will apologise for him, because you really never needed to go through that torture,

ste
 
thanks I will consider maybe talking to someone in the future but right now I am just involved with getting myself to a point of peace. I don't feel I should walk around all my life feeling I am just as bad as them cause I worry about it happening. At any rate I have my past to remind me I haven't. I still wonder about him. I stopped being his friend in 1990 or so . That means his daughter would be about what now ? I guess almost 18? Man time flies.And yes it was torture those years were just hell
 
I believe abuse rises from abuse of power and any one can do that, experincing abuse only makes you vulnerable because you know how to act out.

I see that in me, when I lash out in anger, I abuse my power. Is feeling hurt or in pain reason enough to abuse verbally, physically or emotionally?
All abusive experinces hurt period, sexual abuse is no special, all have lasting effects, and all come from a lack of respect for the self and the other. Having experinced abuse should have made me immune to abuse, but it hasnt, I indulge in it when I am not aware. Hope I will learn some day!
Amen
 
My story unfolds pretty neatly, you guys are so cool explaining my dreams and stuff means millions. :)

Two of the kids who came here once, each told me that I would make a great dad.
That is another two million hugs for me. :) :)

We are in a World were we have lived so long, yes, my mind lashes out in here, but why should it not!
I read so many terrible things happen in society.

Where I live is tough, I just read that more people here in this part are likely to be murdered than any other place.

They pat authorities on the back for tackling armed murders, but the murders here as blood curdling, it is so bad that I could not post that stuff in MS safely.

My mind is so far away from being abusive to anyone, I would not even shout at a kid, and definitely not swear anywhere near them.

My anger is so under control, because I had to learn how to temper my mind as a child, when I felt it was impossible to do, I seethed with massive anger then, but it only hurt me and nobody else, so I found the tools to work through the anger.

I guess it is, either let the anger win, or the little guy win, guess the little guy won again, he is who drives the man, while I sit back,

ste
 
If a man acts out with a child because he himself was abused then it is not an excuse for him.

Acting out to me, was just that, acting out.
I have an inner policeman that tells me abuse is wrong.

How could a man who has been abused, put so much hurt on an innocent child, I could not even think.

There was a case that was written on a site about ambulance personnel and who they deal with.

This case was the nearest I got to sympathising with someone who abused a kid.

Could be major Triggers,


The story unfolded that a young man of about 15yo was caught with a minor.

The guy who brought him to a secure unit could not believe what this young guy told him of his own life of sexual corruption stemming from his own family.

He had been used and abused all of his life to a point where he could not be safe in his own mind.

The medic had never met such a harrowing case in his career.

I do believe that this kid was turned into an animal by his upbringing and should not be totally accountable for his actions due to his mental state at the time, which must have been beyond the normal control of an individual of the same age.

Locking him in prison would have probably ended his young life so soon, so I did have empathy.

This was a blog that I read and have an email somewhere that links me to any further views of posters on this particular story.

I posted about my abuse, and told them what it meant to my life, but you guessed it, a few ppl responded to this tragic story, most just turned a blind eye.

Whats new,

ste
 
ste,

About 13 years ago, I was falsely accused by a sister-in-law of SA with my own kids. The thing about this accusation that hurt me the most was this: how could i possibly do that to my own child or any other child after what I had been through. There is absolutely no way I could ever put another kid through that kind of hell. The very fact that I was abused is the reason I could never be a perp.

Hang in ther my friend,

Darrel
 
Ste,

Two of the kids who came here once, each told me that I would make a great dad. That is another two million hugs for me.
Click to expand...
For your information that was said more than once by those two, and not only by them. They said it because that's what they felt about you. And teenagers tend to be very fussy about what a dad ought to be like. :)

Much love,
Larry
 
Darrel,

I cannot even think of false accusations as a father after SA.

I guess you are not too close to this person any more.

Larry,

a few words from those two kids meant more to me than I ever could imagine, it made me feel worthy of being who I was.

I felt that I had at least stopped one of them smashing his room up, and ending up in a care home.

Maybe that is a product of my own growing up, and realising just how much I must have felt alienated in my own home with nobody to understand me.

If just one adult validated some of what I was going through, then it would have felt so much better to accept some of the hurt,

ste
 
"If just one adult validated some of what I was going through, then it would have felt so much better to accept some of the hurt,"

Very pertinent issue has been raised here.

Respecting what I feel is the only way towards self recovery. Respecting every emotion of mine as a truth and not looking to others for its validation is the first to emotional freedom.
When I express what I feel without waiting for anyone to second it, validate it, I validate my Self. That is cure for the issue of self validation, validation by the self.

what we wanted our parents to do for us so badly, now we have to learn to do it ourselves, so in way our parents were teaching us to get empowered.
 
Abhi,

validation is one word that means loads to me, people say to me, oh there is nothing wrong with you!!!

The problem is, that I guess to look at me, you would think the same, then the night comes and he turns into a werewolf, meaning he lifts the mask that he has worn for half a century.

If it was not for this place, my head would have exploded for sure, so I guess it was a good move to take.

I just wish that those who we tell have an atom of empathy instead of looking at the cover of the book.

They laugh at work when you are trying your best but making stupid errors.
They give out leaflets on how to cut stress, that is all very well for life stress.

Everybody has their own ups and downs in life, where the hell did up go.
I am determined to get up and put this crap behind me, but it will be hard,

take care,

ste
 
I was abused sexually, and also born into violent family. Perhaps that would make me in 'numbers' more like I will abuse others. I will not do that, I would not ever do that. I can feel my power without that. I can be what I am without that. I remember feelings, pain and fear and anger, I still have those feelings. I still have problems of what the life before cause for me now. I could not cause another person to feel as this. Ever.

VN
 
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