Why I believe it is my fault

Why I believe it is my fault
A

aceofdiamonds

Registrant
This might get me kicked off this forum after only a few days of being a member but I feel I have to get it off my chest. It goes without saying that this may be a

***trigger warning***

When I was about 9 years old, I was playing house with my stepbrother who was a few years younger. I didn't know anything about sex at the time at all. but I knew couples were supposed to do it whatever it was so we were talking and I said I think you have sex by sticking your finger up someones butt and my stepmom overheard this and from then on she wanted to get back at me for molesting her child. And who can blame her?

One time she was extra nice to me for some reason which made me feel good cause I was usually really afraid of her. I remember laughing at everything that night sort of like being high. She told me to touch her down there and I was like ew that's gross and she said it was ok so I did it reluctantly and then afterwards she turned to me and said now you know how it feels with this nasty countenance.

There's another post I forget which forum it's in where someone disputes the definition of abuse. She says that a child can abuse another child as much as an adult can abuse a child. That makes me a perpetrator. It makes me the low life scum that ruined all of your lives. :( :(
 
Ace,

Speaking as one who acted out, and perped kids, I know it can be a heavy burden to feel like you harmed someone. Now talking and doing are two separate things. Are you justified in labeling yourself a perp? Or is this your stepmom speaking? See what Im getting at? Is this the real you talking, or is it that she implanted that feeling of guilt and shame in you?

BTW, having you touch her is definitely CSA.

I guess in my case, you also have to understand children and adults see the world very differently. Their understanding is on a different level, so give your self a break. You were a nave, curious child. The fact you feel remorse alone says you are not some inhuman monster, but a caring man trying to understand something that your mind is wrestling with.

Be kind to yourself. You are looking back with an adults mind, and expecting more of that child than you should.

Jeff
 
Originally posted by aceofdiamonds:
I didn't know anything about sex at the time at all. but I knew couples were supposed to do it whatever it was so we were talking and I said I think you have sex by sticking your finger up someones butt and my stepmom overheard this and from then on she wanted to get back at me for molesting her child. And who can blame her?
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Something tells me that you were exposed to sex prior to saying this. Or at the very least, someone talked about sex infront of you. In either case you were just a curious kid and made a off hand remark. You didn't molest your stepbrother. She didn't have a right to sexually abuse you. You said you always feared her, maybe something happened that you don't remember.

Regardless you were 9, you didn't know what you were doing, you were just curious.
 
Ace,

Listen to me and the others.

YOU ARE NOT A PERPETRATOR. YOU WERE A VICTIM.

You just talked about it. As far as I can see in your post, you weren't doing anything but alking about it. That evil woman hurt you to make a point, get off on a power trip, whatever. SHE abused YOU. SHE lied to YOU.

If you bring nothing else away from here, take that with you.

I don't think you're a perp, believe me. I've had enough in my life to know the difference.

Peace and love,

Scot
 
Originally posted by jtt5254:
Originally posted by aceofdiamonds:
I didn't know anything about sex at the time at all. but I knew couples were supposed to do it whatever it was so we were talking and I said I think you have sex by sticking your finger up someones butt and my stepmom overheard this and from then on she wanted to get back at me for molesting her child. And who can blame her?
Click to expand...
Something tells me that you were exposed to sex prior to saying this. Or at the very least, someone talked about sex infront of you. In either case you were just a curious kid and made a off hand remark. You didn't molest your stepbrother. She didn't have a right to sexually abuse you. You said you always feared her, maybe something happened that you don't remember.

Regardless you were 9, you didn't know what you were doing, you were just curious.
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I'm not sure how I would've been exposed to sex before this. My stepmom had just married my dad at the time so I hadn't known her that long before this.
 
Ace'
how many kids talk about 'sex' and piece together bits of schoolyard talk and come up with ideas such as you did ?
Most of us I bet.
At 9yo we weren't supposed to know the real details, but it's part of growing up to giggle and snicker amongst other kids and share the 'secrets' that we think we know.
And many kids do experiment, we played doctors and nurses as kids. And I remember doing the "I'll show you mine if you show me yours" thing as well.
It's part of growing up.

But what your stepmother did was ABUSE, and it wasn't your fault in any way at all.

Ace, you have nothing to feel guilty about.

Dave
 
It sounds like someone gave you some kind of exposure to some kind of sexual bahavior prior to you saying that. Kids don't usually just pick an idea like that out of thin air.
 
Originally posted by MikeNY:
It sounds like someone gave you some kind of exposure to some kind of sexual bahavior prior to you saying that. Kids don't usually just pick an idea like that out of thin air.
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I wouldn't know what that exposure would be. I'm positive it didn't come from my stepmom. :confused:
 
You obviously had some kind of idea of what sex or sexual contact was. It appears to go beyond "good touch" "bad touch" training.
 
she wanted to get back at me for molesting her child. And who can blame her?
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Well, I for one, can blame her. Nine year olds do not ever deserve revenge. If your step-mother really believed what she accused you of, the only compassionate course of action would have been to talk to you and your father to try to discover the source of your (aledgedly) precocious sexual knowledge.

But she did not do anything that even slightly resembled that... instead she burdened you with more guilt which would probably have only served to isolate you. And in isolation, we all believe our problems are worse and bigger than they really are.

Independant of your own feelings about what you did as a nine year old, you can evaluate how you feel now. Would you abuse a child? From your orignial post, it does not sound like something you would do. From this point of view, you can realize that you are not a perp, completely indpendant of whether you think you were a perp as a nine year old.

There is not too much that I can say about what you describe happening as a kid. You and you alone know what you were thinking. As Lloydy said already, it sounds like you were just being nine. For my own journey in recovery, letting go of guilt that I have carried with me has been key. Things I did, liked and "let" happen to me all plagued me with shame. As I have slowly let myself explore those things, I have come to realize I was just an abused kid doing the very best I could and that I have nothing to feel shame about.

That abused kids ultimately wind up dragging their abusers' guilt though life is one of the saddest aspects of child abuse. Shaking free of the guilt that belongs to other people is incredibly liberating.
 
wrangler is right, this cannot be stressed enough:

Well, I for one, can blame her. Nine year olds do not ever deserve revenge. If your step-mother really believed what she accused you of, the only compassionate course of action would have been to talk to you and your father to try to discover the source of your (aledgedly) precocious sexual knowledge.
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Ace,

i dont think there had to be prior contact. exploring is a natural part of growing up. you could have drawn on many things to come to this conclusion, outside of sexual abuse. for example, there was a mother posting on webmd because her 4yo daughter was playing with herself. the problem is that children know what feels good, and can piece things together. all it takes is a little trial and error and they can be quite inventive all on thier own.

i have spent a lot of time revisting my past, and seeing the world through the eyes of a kid again, and believe me it is a whole different world to a kid. things are much more on the surface, they act and react to what feels good, and piece together things to fill in the blanks in thier knowledge to make it make sense. even if you werent abused, by nine you would realize that mom's and dad's lie together and rub and love on one another. you likely drew on something you tried or saw along the way to fill in that blank with penetration with your fingers. perhaps it felt good to you as a boy. who knows without recalling every moment of your childhood.

playing house is normal. extending that into sexual games is also normal. kids mimic thier parents, and usually by nine they've seen a little more than they should have. they've stumbled in on mom changing or parents getting frisky, or perhaps even them having sex. they know the groans coming from the bedroom mean something by then. i'll be frank. what you did was perfectly normal behavior. how your stepmom reacted wasnt normal at all.

the thing i question is her. clearly it was a powerful trigger for her. i would bet she was abused, and reacted to it because it triggered a whole range of stuff in her.

i guess the bottom line is that we can all tell you all of this, but somehow you have to reconcile it inside yourself. i had people telling me that same thing, but until i went back to it through regression, i didnt really buy it. this is something you have to believe inside, or you'll not have any meaningful relief from it. think about what was said. watch a 9yo, and listen to him play. get a feel for how they think, and you'll find it isnt like we do as adults.
 
Originally posted by aceofdiamonds:
I still don't know what that source would be *shrug*
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Ace... the "source" is an academic question at this point. I believe you are better served addressing your shame about your behavior. It sounds like you have a lot, and it sounds like you really don't want to talk about your step-mother, even though you told us she sexually abused you to exact revenge. Any thoughts on that?
 
oh I'll talk about my stepmother all day if you want. She's a psychopathic bitch if you ask me. Since I had encopresis as a child and couldn't control my crap (literally) I had to stay in my room because she didn't want me messing up the rest of the house. I could only come out to eat. She did cook good so my dad always uses that as an excuse for staying with her as long as he did. Well whoop-de-frickin'-doo! I'll eat ramen noodles all day if it means I don't have to be around her.

I'm almost positive she was sexually abused as a kid. I've met her parents. Her mom has epillepsy (sp?) so sometimes she has seizures and couldn't really take care of her kids 100%. Her dad was always nice to me but I had a bad feeling about him. When my stepmom told me to touch her that one time she said her dad used to tickle her there so it was ok. At the time I thought it was odd but didn't think it was sexual abuse cause I barely even knew what sexual abuse was other than flat out rape.

So that's a little something about her. But as you all say that's in the past and I have to work on myself to get rid of this guilt. I can't watch a nine year old cause I'm so afraid of doing something or saying something that will look like I'm sexually abusing them cause my stepmom (f*cking bitch, thought I'd throw it in again lol) installed that in me at a young age. I can't get close to a woman either cause I'm so afraid of her saying I abused her or of not being able to trust her. That's why I'm still a virgin and don't see any way I'll ever not be one.
 
the issues you face run very deep. i've known a survivor that was 42, a virgin, and completely unable to be sexual with anyone. i've known others as well. this seems very deep rooted, and is very hard to overcome from what i've seen. since i went the other way and went hypersexual, i am not experienced with overcoming it. i would think that somehow you have to come to grips with all the guilt and self-hate. at some point you have to find it within yourself that you didnt abuse anyone, and that you didnt hurt anyone. as long as you are afraid of hurting who you are with, it wont work well. i fought that a little with my wife, when she asked me to be more assertive and agressive, but my problem there was very mild, so i can't say i fought through something like you have to. i know others here fought this, so perhaps they can speak more to ways you might adress it.
 
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