Today my dad asked me why I’m not a happy person and why can’t I just fake a smile if I’m not feeling happy. I told him that I believe faking a smile is wrong and it feels so unnatural to me that I don’t want to do it. He just doesn’t understand that sometimes faking being happy all the time is more damaging than not smiling constantly and can come off as being even more fake. As to why I’m not generally a happy person, it’s because of everything I went through before I was even thirty and the fact that he keeps trying to force me to be someone I’m not. I don’t think anyone that had been severely bullied to the point of having suicidal thoughts, a victim of sexual assaults over the course of several months and being blamed for it, being bullied inside a church every week, having their money taken from them and being used to buy wine for an alcoholic that mentally and verbally abuses them, being constantly mistreated by others, being told that being gay is wrong and having it hammered into their heads, being told by an abuser that it’s their fault that the abuser’s life is so miserable constantly, being slapped and punished for doing something so minor like the dishwasher leaving spots on wine glasses, being physically attacked by an abuser, and doing self harm as a way to try and make the negative thoughts they are having leave them alone would be very happy. I still struggle with a lot of negative thoughts and sometimes it takes more energy for me to keep it inside and not have a meltdown than my dad could ever imagine and faking a smile could make me lose it because I know I’m being fake again and I’m tired of having to fake my emotions just to keep everyone else around me happy. I’m tired of my dad trying to force me to become a miniature version of himself. I’m tired of him thinking all of his friends are automatically my friends too even though I have nothing in common with them other than my dad. I really want to get away from the area I live in and move closer to my sister but I don’t because im afraid that I might not be able to get all of my current benefits immediately if I move out of state and I’ll be stuck with nowhere to go. And then there is the culture aspect that I feel like I need to help with his business. This isn’t the life that I want and I feel stuck which also makes me feel unhappy and he would never understand how I feel. With all of this I just don’t see any real reason to be happy literally all the time. I’m not even proud of the fact that I graduated from high school and I know that people who dropped out would be so happy if they had stayed in school.