Guy,
You probably notice a theme running through the "welcome messages." None of us wanted to have the background to be here. None of us wanted to see others need to be here.
But we are here, for ourselves, and for each other. This is a great place to find people who recognize the kind of pain you endured. We can't make it go away or give anyone all the answers, but we can and do know what it's like to go through this particular hell.
And with that said, here's my go at "all the answers."
Take what you like and leave the rest.
he took me 31 years ago. he was a "trusted" coach. i was only ten. why did i let him take me?, why did i let him perform those things on me and for me to be "taught" or made to perform on him?
At age ten you were a boy. He was an adult that, for one reason or another, you should have been able to trust. Maybe you looked up to him as I looked up to the man who raped me when I was 16. Maybe you sought a kind father figure as I did.
It doesn't really matter. You were a boy, and he took advantage of whatever you felt, admiration, affection, loyalty.
only after my recent break up of probably the "best" female partner i have ever had and having been through two marriages, i have finally told a therapist and my ex girlfriend.
Good for you. That took guts. I have met several survivors, male and female, online and in person in the last year. None has ever said that it was easy to finally break the silence about what somebody did to them.
Some of us post more detailed versions of what we suffered in the "Survivor's Stories" section. When you see someone post there, I bet you'll never see them write about how easy it is to tell that story, especially the first time.
They say you can't improve something unless you know it needs improvement. You have taken the most important step in making your life better, the first step. You recognized the problem and admitted it was there.
i hid it, i repressed it, i blocked it out. i have been a success, a macho guy, a tough guy, a bright guy- why did i need to bring it up?
Geez, you got me there. I have never been a macho guy, but I have achieved some versions of success, at least to an outside observer. I still do not know how, as our marriage tottered on the brink of divorce, I came to be telling my wife about that man.
Maybe when it's time, it's time?
i suppose until i can learn to love myself, i will trust noone. i have to love myself before i can truly love another.
That sounds a lot like something our marriage counselor said to me last month. And it took me 18 months of counseling and few thousand dollars to get there. You're ahead of the game.
You were a ten year old boy. Take a look at some kids at the Shrek 2 or Harry Potter movies. Not the high school athletes, but the ones getting dropped off or going in with their parents. Could a kid that size stop someone your size? Because you were the size of those kids back then, and the rat bastard who was not really a coach at all was the size of an adult male.
It's not just physical size, either. Remember that these people know that they are doing something they should not do. They know that they must take great pains to conceal their actions. They learn early how to manipulate children. You were 10 years old. You were an athlete at age 10, very impressionable compared to the adult you are now. He was supposed to be a coach. You look back and think that what he did would not, should not work. It won't work on an adult, like you are now, but he was damn well practiced at emotional abuse and manipulation of children.
why did i even like some of it at times?
Probably because you had a healthy physical response to physical stimulus. You had a normal body reacting as it was made to react. You received what felt like some good kind of emotion from an expert at emotional manipulation.
how has it led me to be sexually needy?
Our sexuality comes from a lot of influences, not just from the abuse experiences we have had. They are the kind of things that can warp our view of sex, and I do not mean to minimize the terrible impact any survivor's abuse has had on their sexuality. This really sounds like the kind of question you can explore for yourself as you learn to love yourself.
i wonder, is he dead, in jail, or still abusing young boys?
I wondered for a long, long time about the perp. When I found out, it was not good news. He was working at a boarding school for boys. I tried to report him then, but learned he actually left that school more than twenty years ago. Seems I kept my own wretched silence for a very long time, too.
You are already healing. When will it be complete? Damned if I know. We have discussions about things like that here from time to time. I am of the belief (today at least) that I will never be "done" because the time that I spent hiding is never coming back. Maybe there is some point where it will feel like "this is good enough, now I have reached what I wanted." There are guys here with more time working on themselves who may be able to answer.
it is now just being dealt with. i do not feel bad, good, or anything, just rather numb of it and this process.
I know feeling numb all too well. It's also really not uncommon. I don't know how that stops, how to connect to emotions, but I do believe that someday I will.
Guy, you're in a good place here. You're able to be honest with yourself about what happened, what he did to you. You're able to tell other people who are important in your life. You've found your way to therapy. You have a lot going for you in this.
Again, I wish we weren't to meet in this place, but considering what it took to need this place, I'm glad for each of us that we are here.
Thanks,
Joe
HE made the choices! Not you!
