why do YOU continue to believe? trigger

why do YOU continue to believe? trigger
theo

theo

Registrant
guys, and partners who read this,
i will not disclose what is going in my life recently simply because there is more involved than is my right to disclose. what i will say is that i have been floored in the worst way possible and i am at a loss as to what to believe in any more. my question in the title is the whole point to this thread. what is it that keeps giving you hope, or reason to believe when everything else seems to have been ripped away from you? i will not end my journey, but i need to find a reason to continue to believe. what are your stories? why do you continue?
 
To do anything else would be illogical and irrational.
 
mike,
are you a closet vulcan :D ?

that statement of yours hits home to me in a specific way. but the pain and the terror has no logic. again, why continue to believe?
 
WARNING EXTREMELY STRONG TRIGGERS

theo, the answer to your question may be found with looking at death. We live in a society where we are tought to fear death. Governments and Men manipulating Religeons use fear to control people. Many survivors get to points in their lives where there is no fear of death. All they want is for the pain to go away because it is all that can be felt at the time, and sometimes not even that. The separation of ones mind from their feelings with dissociation makes it easy for them to think it may be reasonable. It isn't. We all know that it is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. All problems are temporary. So, a survivor who is living in a society that promotes the fear of death, a survivor who does not know or understand the vitalization of life, a survivor who knows very little except for how much pain and suffering that they have already endured in their life, is naturally going to question what the point of all of it is when the fear of death is no longer a reason to keep them going according to what is "normal" around them. Why bother fighting any of it? Why even bother to try to feel any better? Why not just give in to the compulsions, etc.? I'll give you some things to think about as for being reasons why. I have had no fear of death for most, if not all, of my life. There are many cultures, societies, and religeons both past and present in which people are tought not to fear death. Many cultures actually celebrate it. Death is a natural part of the life cycle. Everybody who is born will die. My death certificate was filled out the same day as my birth certificate. The only thing missing is the date. So, why do any of us even bother to waste what pathetically limited time we are alotted to live on this planet when you consider the grand scheme of time and space being eternal and limitless? Because we have a purpose, that is why. You can find your own purpose, or you can borrow one from another culture or religeon if you prefer to. There will be an eternity of time that you can give up caring, and fighting, and hoping, etc. after you have died of natural causes knowing that you have done your best to fulfill your purpose here in this crazy world utilizing the time that was alotted to you. You ask why I bother to continue. I'll tell you. I do it because I'm stubborn when I know I'm right. I do it because I am not a quitter. I do it because I face my fears instead of running from them. I do it because I am stronger than my fears. I do it because I am bigger than my problems. I do it because I am better and stronger than my abuser. I do it because I am stronger than all of it. I will fight it until my last natural breath. I will do it knowing that I make a difference every day in this world even if it is just to one person by smiling at a stranger and saying good morning. I will do it for myself, and I will do it for everybody else out there in the world. I will do it knowing that I care about myself, and that I care about the rest of the people out there too. I will do it for my family. I will do it for the next generation. I will do it despite all of the people who try to make it seem like it is not worth even bothering to try. I will do it because I am not a statistic. I will do it for spite. I will do it just so that I can laugh at the people who say that I can't do it. I will do it just for the hell of it. I will do it just to stir things up. I will do it because it is the right thing to do. I will do it because people care about me. I will do it because I will have plenty of time to not do it when I am no longer here. I will do it because I have no other choice. I will do it because I WILL NOT be controlled or silenced by fears projected upon me by uneducated and ignorant people who are afraid of things that they do not understand and the unknown. I will do it because I have hope. I will do it because I want to. I WILL enjoy it while I am doing it.
 
WOW MikeNY that was tottally awsome what you said, man you should publish that. I do not have much to add for you said it all, but I will say that the reason I continue on is to hopefully show others that survival is possable, that we do not have to be victims forever, that we are worthwhile people that do not deserve to be used and hurt encredably deep by others, that there is life out there. Keep fighting my friend, keep moving on as Savage Garden says in the song two beds and a coffee machine, "Theres hope in the darkness you know your going to make it, another dich in the road, you keep moving, another stop sign you keep moving on." My prayers are with you, good luck and God bless.
 
Theo

What keeps me going is the belief that I deserve better in life than what I got from those who stole my childhood. On good days I maintain that faith and know that the only way to that life is through the pain.

I disagree a bit with Mike's post in the sense of I think we are a society that fears living more than anything else. I think in my case, as a survivor, that I am also afraid that I don't deserve a good life. I am always waiting for the other shoe to drop (thanks mom).

When things are really bad...I tend to take out an old 12 step saying "Act as if." I am a big fan of this because if I act as if there is hope...and I really give that exercise a try...eventually genuine thoughts of hope come back into play as the clouds part.

I hope you are feeling better.
 
Thank you Malidin41. I have had a few things that I took the time to write properly published anonymously in the past.

Lupin, survivors are tought to fear living. The rest of Society is tought to fear things that they do not understand, to fear things that are unknown, to ignore, avoid and not to care, it is tought to have a 15 minute attention span, it is tought to be content just existing, not living, in the small "safe" world that each person creates for themselves. Since Malidin41 likes poetry, I will reference some. My rivers are not shallow. My world is not small.


I've known rivers:
I've known rivers anchient as the world and older than the flow of human blood in human veins.

My soul has grown deep like the rivers.

I bathed in the Euphrates when dawns were young.
I built my hut near the Congo and it lulled me to sleep.
I looked upon the Nile and raised the pyramids above it.
I heard the singing in the Mississippi when Abe Lincoln went down to New Orleans, and I've seen it's muddy bosom turn all golden in the sunset.

I've known rivers:
Anchient, dusky rivers.
My soul has grown deep like the rivers.

"The Negro Speaks of Rivers", Langston Hughes, 1926




TWO roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.

"The Road Not Taken" Robert Frost 1920.
 
Theo,

What keeps me going on those long cold and terriable days? It's simple for me the love that I have for my younger sibs. The love that I get from all the guys here. It is plain and simple just love keeps me going.

lots of love, Nathan
 
Sometime I wonder the same. But then I think, maybe hope is what is left. Hope and faith, that it can get better. They took so much from us. Took so much trust, security, innocence, so much of everything from us. But somehow, it seems that much of us, the ones here, manage to maintain some faith and hope for something better. And that is the part of survival of me that I will not allow them to kill. I need to believe in it. Maybe that is why I continue to believe, because I need it.

Leosha
 
Thank you MikeNY those are both great poems. Thanks for sharing.
 
i want to thank all who have responded. it will become more and more difficult for me to continue over the next few weeks, but somehow, continue, i will. in the end, for me, it has to come down to the "many miles before i sleep" concept that keeps me going. i cannot see how the next few weeks can work out, i just know that somehow, i have to continue. not exactly the most positive statement, i know, but the most honest one i can offer for now. thanks again, all. your words have helped.
 
My answer is very simple. I have no idea, maybe its a curiosity to see what will happen Tomorrow, the next day, the next minute I dont know. But I know hope is in my heart, and I dont take it for granted, I hold onto it as though it were treasure.

I have pretty big hopes, and I know they wont all come to be, but I can hope.
 
Theo,

Why I keep on going:

1. There are people who care about me and to abandon them would be the most selfish, hurtful thing I could do.

2. To do anything else is no longer an option.

3. The people who did this to me would win, and I'll be frigging DAMNED if I let them win.

4. I care.

I'm here if you need me.

Peace and love,

Scot
 
Theo - I owe it to 12 year old me - he shouted at me for so long and I didn't listen. I eventually listened, I spoke, I named it, I was heard, I was believed, I am alive again and intend to stay that way because I owe it to 47 year old me.

'Dirty Secret - not anymore'

Best wishes..Rik
 
Originally posted by theo:
mike,
are you a closet vulcan :D ?

that statement of yours hits home to me in a specific way. but the pain and the terror has no logic. again, why continue to believe?
Click to expand...
Theo, I forgot to tell you, there is logic in feelings, all of them, even the bad ones.
 
mike,
you lost me, and that takes some doing :) . could you explain the logic in feelings statement? unless you are making reference to the development of emotive distortions through the abuse...that is the logic is in the description of why the emotions are as they are
 
To discuss this in full would require a campfire, many hours of time, and probably a few glasses of wine, and that would still only give you the beginning points.

Feelings are an extremely important part of us. They are at the core of everything that we do. They engulf and encircle our lives completely. It goes far beyond the chemistry, biology or the psychology involved. There is mathematics and science in feelings. Just as there is math and science in every portion of the multiverse. They exist in music. They exist in art. Math, science, religeon, and feelings are all related. They exist in everything that we know and do. They are all interconnected. There is logic in feelings.
 
Theo,
In 1991, I was completely paralyzed and I came within a few breaths of not being alive. I was 25 years old at the time and thought my life had ended and wondered if this was the way I was going to be for the rest of my life. I had two thoughts at that moment. One was I could end it all right there but since I was in a hospital that was going to be difficult to do. The other was I could fight like hell and take back what was my life, what I should have had at that point and not live as a paralyzed vegetable the rest of my life.

Of course I chose to fight and I had to fight to take a step, to sit up in bed, to feed myself, to talk, to remember and just about everything else that you can think of. At any point, I could have given up and said enough is enough and there were plenty of times that I was at that point. There were plenty of times that I looked for ways each to end my life and it became a passion.

But, I knew that if I gave up than the fucking bastards that did this shit to me would win! No way in hell was I about to let them win. I'm glad I have fought because now I am getting to a point where the benefits really outweigh all of the fight that I had to put up.

You couldn't have convinced me of all of this back then, but the fight within myself is what keeps me going. Now I see with my life, that there is a higher purpose for me and if I gave up, there would be so many others that would lose because of it and I in no way can let them down!

Don
 
I will be honest, I didn't read any of the replies, just the riginal post and I started having so many thoughts I had to say it right away. I apologize if I repeat anything from any previous posts.

Whn I think about what keeps me believeing I would have o list many things, the first is hope, hope that things can get better, than I can overcoe the irrational beliefs and how just plain screwed up I am. Many things retain this hope for me, seeing others here moving on so well and coming so far, seeing the kids in my family play and have fun, maybe I can regain some of the childhood and innocence that has been stolen from me, faith in the goodness of other people gives me hope too, that maybe the majority of people are good and decent people and not evil like the SOB's who hurt us so.

Another thing that keeps me believing is life itself, I must believe to live, and if I don't believe in healing and the inate goodness of people then I am merely a shell, now I'm not saying I trust, I hope, and that is all that can be expected. Do I always believe? No, to be honest I rarely really believe, but I always hope, I won't let those evil people steal the last of my hope and life.

scott
 
scott,
hope for me, is the horizon that i speak so often. i cannot see it now. four years ago, the horizon was totally lost to me and i was going to end my journey. something happened then that i call a miracle. some here know the story, so i will not repeat it. the point is that i believe on the night i was going to end my journey there was an intervention that did not magically make everything okay, but it gave me hoe to continue. the final solution is not an option for me for many reasons, but the horizon is so transient for me right now that i struggle with more than i believe i can handle. somehow, i will continue, not because of belief, but simply because i must. i am grateful i read robert frost's poem so long ago, for it contains the only thing that keeps me going. the question i ask myself though, is when do i continue for my sake? that is a question that will take time i cannot conceive of at this point.
 
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