Why do i want to be used?

Alostman

Registrant
I am a big man, intimidating to some people. I am a giant yet all I want to do is be used by men. I find women attractive but find them annoying to be around. I am dominate towards women but men I just want to pleasure.
I have the same fantasies occur over and over, men tell me to do things and I do them. I want them to use me for pleasure. I never hated the man that abused me, he was an old man and I feel like I should hate him, that he abused his power but I don't. I have thought several times about trying to find a man as old as he was to take care of and pleasure.
I read about victims being ashamed of the experience feeling good but the answer is always that it is natural for the body to react, well what if I liked what he made me do to him? What if i didn't like him pleasuring me but i enjoyed pleasuring him? What does this say about me, am I gay? I find women attractive but I am also an asshole to them, I find them annoying and bratty yet, I still find them attractive. I don't understand my sexuality, I just know if a man or a group of men, told me to do something sexual to them I would! If they used me for pleasure I wouldn't stop them!
 
I’m sorry His happened to you. I’m glad you are here. Many of us, including myself, have the same feelings that you do.

Some possible reasons:
- re-enacting the abuse
- you were taught early that this is what love or intimacy is
- father hunger
 

Alostman

Registrant
I’m sorry His happened to you. I’m glad you are here. Many of us, including myself, have the same feelings that you do.

Some possible reasons:
- re-enacting the abuse
- you were taught early that this is what love or intimacy is
- father hunger
Thank you so much for this comment. I cannot disagree with any of your conclusion, any advice for dealing with this issue?
 
I don’t think you ‘liking’ giving him pleasure says anything about your sexuality, a boy whether he turns out to be gay or straight does not desire sex with an adult (unless he has been prematurely sexualised by abuse) If the abuser was ‘nice’ in some ways then you may have felt cared for by him so it’s harder to hate him. Children need touch, affection and a feeling of being important to an adult, if these needs are not adequately met the child is more vulnerable to an abuser.
In my case I preferred ‘giving pleasure’ to one of the abusers as it gave me a sense of control, I was doing not being done to, As you read here you will see that it is normal for survivors to have an impulse to re-enact the abuse.
Welcome to the site I hope and trust that you will feel less alone with the legacy of abuse.
Take care
 

Alostman

Registrant
I don’t think you ‘liking’ giving him pleasure says anything about your sexuality, a boy whether he turns out to be gay or straight does not desire sex with an adult (unless he has been prematurely sexualised by abuse) If the abuser was ‘nice’ in some ways then you may have felt cared for by him so it’s harder to hate him. Children need touch, affection and a feeling of being important to an adult, if these needs are not adequately met the child is more vulnerable to an abuser.
In my case I preferred ‘giving pleasure’ to one of the abusers as it gave me a sense of control, I was doing not being done to, As you read here you will see that it is normal for survivors to have an impulse to re-enact the abuse.
Welcome to the site I hope and trust that you will feel less alone with the legacy of abuse.
Take care
This is very helpful thank you! He was very nice and I thought he cared about me, I questioned everything he said once I remembered what he did.
I only wish i knew whether i wanted to be with men or women, you know? One day I feel powerless and want a man to hold me, then the next day I am this asshole that only wants to use women and I hate that side of me. Thank you for taking the time to encourage me.
 
Just a footnote. You are aware of sexual experience with men that is founded on abuse when you were quite young. That is something for you to unpack and understand. Your attitude toward women may also indicate more than the fact you find them annoying. It took me a long time to understand and to accept the role my mother played in my abuse history. I was able to identity the abuse by neighbor boys and men from an extended family of pedophiles before I realized my mother had sexually, physically and emotionally abused me BEFORE I was groomed by those men. Although I sought intimacy with women, on some level I was unable to open to them. I believe that had to do with what happened with my mother. So it is important to keep your mind open as you begin examining all of this life experience and how it has affected your sexual orientation. First we need to address the sexual abuse and find some peace in ourselves. Then we can live our lives authentically. Where that leads in terms of sexual expression only time will tell. Our development was taken radically off track by the abuse. We didn't have the opportunity to inhabit our bodies and to find naturally what moved us emotionally and sexually. That takes time we didn't have. The best to you on your journey.
 

rileyk86

Registrant
I feel a similar way about women. I was very submissive to my step mother when she abused me as a child. I have always been used by women since (including my ex-wife). I feel like women should use me because that's all they've ever done. I'm not really intimidating. I've always been small and frail. I think that's why dominant women take advantage of me. It doesn't matter if you liked what he did. Like you said, he abused his power over you. I sometimes liked the attention. But I was only a child. It is not our fault, our abusers are 100% to blame.
 
to alostman,

I get what you are saying, But, I agree with visitor. Being used by my mother in many ways (sexually but not incest) I did not expect much from women. I have thoughts of finding men to suck, but I ave only done this once as an adult. I am not confused about my sexual identity I am hetro, but
I find it difficult to connect and get horney I was married for 26 years and have had a another multi year relationship. And maybe a dozen one night stands.

Unpacking the experiences that offer you the consistency with the abuse may in fact be who you are. But you would be unusual if you had no desire for your own sexual expression as a recipient of pleasure and not just one to service others.

May God be with you on this difficult journey.
 

Growingpains

Registrant
I am a big man, intimidating to some people. I am a giant yet all I want to do is be used by men. I find women attractive but find them annoying to be around. I am dominate towards women but men I just want to pleasure.
I have the same fantasies occur over and over, men tell me to do things and I do them. I want them to use me for pleasure. I never hated the man that abused me, he was an old man and I feel like I should hate him, that he abused his power but I don't. I have thought several times about trying to find a man as old as he was to take care of and pleasure.
I read about victims being ashamed of the experience feeling good but the answer is always that it is natural for the body to react, well what if I liked what he made me do to him? What if i didn't like him pleasuring me but i enjoyed pleasuring him? What does this say about me, am I gay? I find women attractive but I am also an asshole to them, I find them annoying and bratty yet, I still find them attractive. I don't understand my sexuality, I just know if a man or a group of men, told me to do something sexual to them I would! If they used me for pleasure I wouldn't stop them!
It’s like you wrote what I experienced. I find this woman soooooo attractive, so much that I would love to be with her. But, then I remember that I was with a man and I don’t feel like I can be the man she needs. I find myself looking at men to dominate me and tell me what I need to do to please them.
 
this entire thread seems to be another example of eroticizing/sexualizing the abuse. It seems that those with similar responses must have had some active role in the abuse (meaning you were at least partially awake and aware of the abuse as it happened, and as you were coerced into pleasing your perp)

Some of us, like me, were sedated during the abuse, so we were "passive" participants. Which is why, for me, as I have shared on another post, I fantasize about being immobilized and having someone else perform various acts on/to me, thus mirroring the abuse.

Huge insight that you should discuss with your Ts.
 
@Alostman thank you for being so honest about your experience, only when we are honest to ourselves can we move forward to what is right for us.
 

MACH123

Registrant
I just think I'm a bitch and when men are around I act like that because I want to be used for what I am. : )

But, since a big part of me wouldn't go with men and doesn't want that, here I am. If I could've been comfortable enough I could've gone either way but women can't approach me sexually in a way that activates the female part. That part wants to be seduced which seems to me the provenance of men.

Too bad because it is gender neutral anyone can do it with me/to me, I like giving head to women. Women aren't always going around trying to get a bj. Simple lol. They see what I'm like now a lot more? Some of them like it.
 

Ferguson

Registrant
Hi. It really is a long journey. Unpacking it all in a healthy time and way has taken me years (and I have not always done it in healthy times or ways). I still want to be abused, controlled, harmed, belittled, forced. I am sad that it is like that. I hate bullies and love them. I know this is unhealthy thinking but I'm stuck with it - for now. Selling myself for sex was the logical role for me and I still have never found a role that fits me better in the last 35 years. I still crave the quick fix. But I'm happily married and to a degree quite comfortable with my children. I am learning to lay down all the quick fixes: sex, food, fantasy, intense discussions, etc - and just face the pain with help from the connections I'm working on. I'm sorry that you are still 'Alostman' - I am too. I'm still clinging to the belief that One greater than me will find me but not quick fix me. Grateful for this place and other places of recovery.
 
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