Why do I stay? Because I love him...

[Savannah]

How do you guys deal with your friends/family telling you to leave your spouse? While my husband deals with his SA and we try to rebuild a different relationship, my family is pushing me to give him ultimatums. One of my sisters even told me that he had turned me into a "spineless wonder" because I won't try to make him move back home!

I think that if I told them he had been abused as a boy, they might feel differently. But it's not my place to share his secret. I also think he would feel violated if I told them...

 

[sophiesdad]

YOu're absolutely right that if you told anyone that he would feel betrayed. Remember, that those of us who suffered SA have a tremendously difficult time trusting people. The fact that even told you about it shows that he has trust in you.
As for family members, you could politely tell them to mind their own business. He's your husband, you're a big girl and you know what is the best decision for both of you.
Now, is he in therapy? Are you seeing a counselor together? What has prompted them to say what you're being told?

Sophiesdad

 

[beautifuldisaster]

Hi there,
I can only say that unless there have been some abuse issues then you have the right to make your own decisions without their negative opinions.
I cant say that under the circumstances, and without my friends and family knowing the full picture (as the SA is none of their business) they might too say those things to me. I have suffered right along with my husband. But, again...it is my choice and no one elses.
I would have a hard time being called names, as only constructive critism is all I can respond to.
I have to say however, I wonder myself where I fall on that fine line between BRAVE & STUPID.
I hate to admit it, but I think about it a lot lately.
Good luck, and know we are all here cheering you and your hubby on!

 

[Lloydy]

Savannah
your living with the guy you love, not them. It's your choice.

Someday, hopefully sooner rather than later, the guy you fell in love with in the first place should be healed.

Is that something to look forward to, and be a part of?

Dave

 

[SAR]

Savannah

I have to echo Sophie'sdad-- what is it that's causing your family and friends to say this?

My boyfriend did some things that were hurtful to some of our mutual friends-- those friends were the first to pick up on us "having trouble"-- no one ever told me what to do, but I did get comments like "You always have a place to stay with us."

He was able to work out his problems with those friends, without disclosing, but he did apologize for some of the things he'd done and let them know that he'd been struggling with some personal stuff and that the both of us were doing some hard work recently.

It sounds a bit like they were being selfish or not concerned about me, if his making good with them made them feel better about our relationship-- but that's not really it. It's more like, experiencing his growth made them believe in it in a way that my assertion of his growth had not made them believe.

Your family and friends are *your* family and friends. They are going to look out for *you* first, and the people who are making your life difficult second (or not at all). I do the same thing for my family and friends.

This doesn't excuse anyone's pushing you, second-guessing you, or criticizing you-- the point I'm trying to make is, your family and friends want to know that *you* are okay. Telling them about your husband's abuse will not only violate his trust, it won't really make them feel differently where you are concerned.

Take care. I know it can be difficult to stand up for yourself.
SAR

 

[brklyn]

Hi, I am a wife in a simular situation. Loving your husband is like loving your child the love is unconditional and that is why you stay. I know there is more to our love then physical. As far as your family, I'm sure they do love you and they will stick by your decisions, but again they are your family so if they are anything like mine, they will let you know their opinion, just try to take it lightly. You don't have to answer this but are you or your husband seeking therapy? About two years ago my husband and I were seperated, I asked him if we got back together if he would go to therapy, at that time he said It never worked before so- probably not. I asked him recently when we had one of our talks and he seemed more up for it. My question to anyone is- Does it always cost to get help? and also is there a book I can read and maybe use the things I learn to help my husband?

 

[Savannah]

Our dilemma is that because of my husband's SA, he is confused sexually. He was never confused before he was diagnosed as clinically depressed last summer. Now, however, he thinks that if he has attractions towards men, then he must be gay. He assures me that he loves me and will be in my life forever, but he's not certain what that will look like.

And it never fails, when I get needy, emotional or inconsiderate, he seems to be more confused. Also, when something in life goes wrong like money or jobs, he feels badly. Is it possible that he gets triggered in this way?

 

[Wifey1]

Dear Savannah,
I read your post and some things popped out for me. I too have been in a long relationship with my partner being a survivor as well as myself.
You shared that he is confused sexually and had not been prior to being diagnosed as clinically depressed.
This is my opinion only and from what I have learned from reading these wondeful men on this website bravery in sharing their experiences and knowledge. Perhaps it is just the first time your partner has felt comfortable enough to reveal his confusion about his sexuality with you. During his assaults his body responded as it is designed to, the stimulation of touch etc. When the mind is in a state of trauma and then proceeds to try to make sense of a situation that really no rational sense can be made of it could be easy to target what would appear to be an "obvious" reason. For example, the victim could think : I achieved an erection and had an orgasm so therefore no matter how much my stomach or mind wanted to kill the person hurting me I must have liked it and there fore I must be homosexual. It surely is nearly impossible for anyone adult or child placed in a traumatic life or death situation to be able to think rational during or after the danger occurs.
I suggest that you do Trust that your partner says that he loves you. He surely does or he would not have felt safe enough to reveal his most hidden embarrassing, shaming secret that he has held for so very long. Trust his judgement in trusting you and telling you that he loves you. His actions in sharing his pain has proven that love for you in a great way.
His honesty in saying he is not sure in how or what your future together will look like must have taken a mountain of courage. Here is a man who has risked the very core of his being by sharing his darkest secret with you, and gone to and even riskier step in saying "I'm not sure how this will end but I will be in your life some how forever". Those words are more powerful in my opinion than the words repeated in front of some religious personel saying " I Do".
He seems to be saying even more to you, I am entrusting my scariest most weakest time even against myself to share these dark thoughts with you. I love you and trust you enough to not hurt me further.

In regards to wondering in stressful life events such as money, jobs, being needed emotionally could these be "triggers" for him. Of course they could be, but Savannah you too have a right to have support and have someone in your life to support you through what is not just your partners personal crisis, but what is your personal crisis and a crisis for your couplehood.
Perhaps there is a support group for partners that his or your therapist could lead you to. And of course you have this website for support also. This is not a journey that you should have to travel alone, nor should you be expected to.
I do hope that I have helped a bit and that you continue to come back and visit with us often. I a sure that more folks will come along to help you even more.
You are not alone, and we care.
Peace, Sammy