Why do I feel this shame? My Mom's Birthday?

Hello All:

My Mom passed away in 1999. My Dad died 20 years earlier. So I and my remaining siblings are it. All the aunts and uncles died one by one, followed by Mom.

Here's the problem: I thought I had a pretty good handle on her death. In the past, when her birthday rolled around, Andy and I would do things to honor her memory, like plant flowers or bake a cake and actually light candles and sing to her. These little gestures helped lessen the pain.

And the pain had been lessening over the years. Until this year. This year her birthday arrives at a time when I am finally aware of all the awful things my abusive brother did to me.

God it's awful. It's a few days before her birthday and I feel terrible. I feel such shame. I'm not sure where that's coming from. But it's like I don't deserve to even be in her presence (if she were alive, that is) because I am so dirty.

As an adult, I don't think my Mom would ever have that reaction. I guess I'm not sure what reaction she would have. I never got the chance to tell her. But still...I can't imagine her wanting me to feel dirty and shameful and unworthy...simply because I WAS ABUSED.

I mean, if I wanted to actually say who might be ashamed, I could even say my mother. If she hadn't left me alone to take care of the dirty diapers when she was changing me, my older brother wouldn't have been able to start hurting me. But even that's crazy...how could she have known? How could anybody have known what a monster he really was?

God, this is so bizarre. But I feel so dirty right now. Does this make any sense to you? Have you had similar reactions on important anniversaries?

Andy and I live too far away to visit her grave. That's good because my abusive brother is also buried there. But mostly, I feel this awful shame. Where is this all coming from? The adult me doesn't understand it at all. But that child in me feels like he rolled in a bucket of pig swill. Know what I mean?

Thanks,

Jasper

 

[lostcowboy]

Hi Jasper, bizarre? Hope you don't mind a ghost story. When Wifey1, said she was leaving the site a while back, I got a real strong feeling that my mom wanted me to tell her to stay. I didn't tell her, but I am real glad she came back to the site. I also got the feeling that my mom understood about me rejecting her, and that she understood, and forgave me. I don't really believe in ghost, I am sure it is just a feeling.
But reading your message, and Mom's back, I get the feeling that she knows what your mom would do. Your mom would just pull you onto her lap, and put her arms around you and rock you until, you no longer had those shameful feeling.
If this feels way out there, it's ok. It's just what I am feeling right now.
Take care,
lostcowboy

 

fist off i want to tell you, you are not dirty. your brother was. i think your mother now knows what he did to you. you are wanted and you are worth more then the earth it self. in healing from a death of a loved one we have to go through the stages of moarning a loss at one point or another and the date of her birthday will trigger those feeling to come back untill you have heal from her passing enough that it dose not hurt as much. i know from losing the person i was closest to and the person i trusted first with my life, cody, that the pain never goes away but it dose get better. you mother loved you very much and her love for you is so strong that she would never be ashamed of you and she would only want the best for you. ask your self if she would want you to feel ashamed for something you were not given a choice on and something that is not yours. what i mean by that last part is the shame and dirty and gilty feelings is not yours. it is your brothers he is the dirty one he is the one who should be ashamed and he is the gilty one, NOT YOU. YOU DID NOTHING WRONG. YOUR SICK BROTHER DID. i think your mother knows who he was and what all he did to you and i bet she is not happy with him all all. he hurt her baby. even thou he was her child as well. you are not worthless. YOUR WORTH EVERYTHING.dont ever forget that. dont let your brother keep his hold over you. dont let him win. you are stronger than that and you have more power than he dose. you have the control to stand up and say no you can not make me feel this way anymore. you have no control over me anymore this is my life i live it my way. you have the power from within. you are not only strong but you are brave. you can do it i have faith in you and so dose your mother. remember she will never stop loving you and watching over you in you life. you have a great gift and it is great, beautiful, funny, and good. the gift of a love for life and the love for your self and that is the greatest gift of all. you are awsome. you are smart. you are who you are and that is a very beautiful thing in life.
with care and love,
Wild Lightning

 

Thanks, Lost Cowboy!

That doesn't seem far out at all. I love that image too of my Mom rocking me.

And thanks, Wild Lightning!

What you said made me feel so good.

Thanks so much,

Jasper

 

Well, today is Mom's birthday. Or what would have been her birthday. And I very much appreciate what you guys said yesterday. It helped a lot, believe me. I also spent just about the full hour talking about my feeling of shame with my therapist yesterday. We both agreed that it's not logical to feel that way, that it's kind of a childlke reaction, the way maybe I felt when I was really little and couldn't tell my Mom what was going on.

And I am trying really hard to pull myself out of this awful place today. But I can't seem to do it. I still feel so ashamed. Like I did something wrong. And my Mom wouldn't want any part of me if she were still alive.

I hate this feeling. I don't understand it at all. I mean, I know it's not true. Yet it feels so bad, more than normal grief.

I guess there really isn't any magic phrase anyone can say. I just feel so distraught. And I can't explain this even to Andy. I think he just thinks it's the usual kind of grief I sometimes feel on this day.

I don't know. I am so deeply depressed right now.

Somehow I feel like I shamed her and shamed the family just by talking about this. Where does that come from? I just don't get it.

Thanks for listening!

Jasper

 

Good news, guys!

Andy took the day off and that helped a lot. Still I was crying quietly on and off. I kept wondering, "What would my Mom have thought of my recent disclosure to my family?"

I guess that's where the shame, the unnecessary and burdensome shame, was coming from. Not knowing how Mom would have taken the news, if I got the chance to tell her while she was still alive.

Would she be like my brother, the Catholic Deacon? Who supported me instantly and without question?

Or would Mom have been like my younger brother Paulie. We were both abused but in the end, he denied it all. Said vile things that broke my heart.

Or would she be like my sister, who freaked out initially, then eventually came around to unconditional love and support?

That was the question that haunted me all day, this day marking the birth of my mother. Then a little while ago, I took a walk in our woods. We have our very own trail through the forest, leading to a special spot I call my "sacred place."

It's a place where I pray or meditate or just commune with the goodness of the Universe all around me. Anyhow, I said a prayer to my old friend St. Jude. Geez, is he ever a help when the chips are down. Among other things, he first guided me to this very site when I needed support the most.

Well, after talking to St. Jude and asking for understanding about my Mom, the words suddenly come to me. I knew exactly what to say to Mom. What's more, I knew that somehow, somewhere she would hear them. Here's what came out of me, much to my pleasant surprise.

"Mom," I said, "I hope you approve of what I said to the family."

"But if you don't, Mom, I approve."

"Mom, I hope you understand why I told the family when I did."

"But if you don't, I understand. It was important to me, Mom."

And I said...

"Mom, I will always love you....but I love me too. And I did what I needed to do."

"I am my own man now. Happy Birthday."

Your Loving Son,

Jasper

P.S. And now I am at peace!