why do I feel death inside

why do I feel death inside
F

forgive777

Registrant
Lately I been going to therapy for my traumas from csa. I been asked to write down how I feel or thoughts etc. I've written only my abuse past not how I feel I dont know how to write a journal, diary etc. I just write what my t needs to know about me.. Well long story short I started writing a journal and I open up deeply of my child hood traumas flashbacks,,, I wrote how I was victimized how I was hurt how it all changed from there on 9yrs. Old to be exact. I cant go threw my day without being angry now I get really confused lost and even loss touch of reality... I honestly get scarred like my mind starts going to an evil state of mind I grow angry inside. Angry at my dad for continuing abuse with verbal and physical and my mom for always running away from my troubles and hurt. After I was sexually abused I was severely beaten even worst I always felt my father beat me violently with verbal abuse and whoopings at the time... I aways felt it happened becouse "THAT" I fell into abuse as if it was my own fault.. I remember one time I got beat becouse I was hanging out with my two at the time best neighborhood friends .. This does not leave my mind he called me a homosexual ,,, that thats why i was taken advantage of that if I ever grew up to be a gay man he would chop my balls and penis of and feed it to the cats. Iam now thirty years old and cant get this out of my brain like a video camera that goes back perfect vivid pictures that I dont look for like my mind rewinds its self even if iam doing something else like work sports gym,, and hanging out with friends. As soon as this vivid picturs come up I loose control of my confidence and go spinning towards a mess like iam that vulnrable kid all over again..... When I write in my journal I write about how I was just a lil boy going to my friends house and some man some sick perverted man!!!! Showed me pornagraphy I thought it was the coolest thing at the moment I thought I was making a good friend I felt as I was getting attention.... But that was just the beginning of the life twist this person was going to do to me.. I kept going back just to get a glimpse of nude women. Then one day same thing I was going to my friends house up the street "Note" its a small codesac street my parents felt it was safe well,, I seen the man again he told me to check out the newest mag he got so Iwas there he then told me to come to the back yard I seen a shack he took his penis out started masterbating then told me to not say nothing to nobody becouse I could getI really big trouble anyways. He told me to turn around and takes my pants down and started to try to penetrate me I knew in my heart it was all wrong but now I was just afraid I tried to pull away from him but told me to relax that he was almost finished.... I didnt understand at the time that I was being "RAPED"and my life will change for ever now hear iam thirty years heterosexual male.. Hurt and haunted by this memories... I always get angry for days when I talk about it or write it down iam angry and hurt as iam writing this flashbacks...Why doesnt anybody understand a person who went threw this sick nasty event that someone scared me with for the rest of my life I cant even speak about it to anyone becouse ive tried I just get a very dirty look and try to just say dont worry it happens to a lot of people to let it go its the past Really thats it...Smh anger is a really a big issue for me becouse I sometime feel like I got of let it out!!! this is fresh i opened and memories flooded my mind as of 2yrs ago so it has been a tough 2yrs. I was happy I had a 5yr relationship with this woman who left me for opening up about the csa.. her word where iam afraid you mite turn gay around my thirties. ?. SMH broke my heart triple times. she left me becouse it was dirty to her that some other evil person did to me... I think thats when I started reading and googling about sexual abuse and being trying to get help. But I get really angy when I open up and just get home to be with my anger for who knows how many days.... this is not fair being a grown man and this ass hole who ruined my life is probably leaving it up in paradise why iam being tortured by this haunting memories he left me........ NOT FAIR Please excuse my typos as I am writing from a tablet..... thank you for reading..
 
Wow. Powerful post, man.

Sorry all that happened to you, buddy. No one deserves to go through what you endured. It's not your fault.

I don't have quite the anger issues you are experiencing, but perhaps someone else here can understand and help you figure them out and/or manage them. I'm sure you're not alone in this.

Just want to say that I'm very proud of you for being able to write all this down. It was obviously a very emotional post for you to tackle. But you did it and got your feelings out there. Good for you, man. :)

Your friend,

Bobcat
 
Hey 777,

Lots happened to you. It has happened in various ways to us. But, it felt like my fault. I was ashamed of what happened to me, like i did it.

If you search for threads on SSA, same sex attraction, you will find many struggle with why they have varying degrees of it. I had that struggle as well. It is ok. It seems to be normal for us.

Also there are tons of threads on false guilt and shame. It was not our fault. Others don't always understand.

Here, I found many that helped me understand what I was feeling.

Hang in there and read up. Sharing how I felt helped me as I struggled down the path. Maybe it will help you.
 
BertG777

Sorry to read all you are experiencing. Therapy uncovers the parts and emotions we buried for a lifetime. I use to feel worse after I left therapy than when I went in. I wondered why for a long time. I too wrote in a journal my feelings, memories, flashbacks, triggers, the abuse, the abuser. I was angry and hurt. My support system initially was weak or non existent. As I found support I was better able to cope. There was someone I met out of the blue. She was experiencing her own medical issues but had a heart of gold--could listen and not pass judgment. It was the beginning of a change within and I found myself gravitating toward people with compassion, understanding and nonjudgmental. I found MS and other support groups that allowed me to share with others who have suffered. Together and over time,I no longer had anger and the abuse did not control.

I now know I had to travel the healing journey--which is an emotional roller coaster and filled with memories of the abuser, the abuse and maltreatment from others when you open up about CSA. I can tell you from my experience there are more compassionate people in the world who will support you than maltreat you. Sadly you encountered someone who did not understand or want to understand CSA--do not let the experience hold you back--because there are many out there who will be there for you. You deserve a good life.

Remember your memories were buried deep and uncovering the memories will bring back all the emotions, including anger. You are beginning this journey--you have shared and opened yourself to the past. Keep going, vent and remember you have a group of men here who can empathize with you and understand what you are experiencing.

Kevin
 
Thanks for your post. Getting the anger out is a good thing to do. You have a right to it. There are many pathways up the "mountain," so hoping you find yours to a healing place.
 
kcinohio said:
Thanks for your post. Getting the anger out is a good thing to do. You have a right to it. There are many pathways up the "mountain," so hoping you find yours to a healing place.
Click to expand...
thanks
 
jas4159 said:
Wow what a powerful post. You have been thru a lot and so much pain. I can particularly relate to your journaling. i experienced a very similar thing with the flash backs. But i found journelling very useful in the long run. it is in my blog.
Click to expand...
I like the idea of writing. But its so overwhelming ... That I cant even hold my tears back they just fall unto the pages,,,,
 
forgive777 said:
jas4159 said:
Wow what a powerful post. You have been thru a lot and so much pain. I can particularly relate to your journaling. i experienced a very similar thing with the flash backs. But i found journelling very useful in the long run. it is in my blog.
Click to expand...
I like the idea of writing. But its so overwhelming ... That I cant even hold my tears back they just fall unto the pages,,,,
Click to expand...
thanks
 
Thank you for sharing this. I can relate to much of what you have posted here. I dealt with it by boxing it up and tucking it away on a shelf for 40+ years. Not easy once we open the box.

Good for you that you have been able to get to therapy.

I think you feel death inside bc like me, part of you died as a child. Innocence, trust maybe? I might just try the journal idea. Thanks.
 
Bert,

As a 20 year therapy veteran; journaling, a close support circle, and therapy help. I did each as I was ready. I had difficult putting pen to paper. My therapist recommended a hand held tape recorder, it was a little easier. I could pause as I needed to, when I needed to regroup. Deep emotion is part of the journey. Please remember healing is personal, each person has their own "timetable" for recovery. I almost quit because the pain was so intense. I have learned, it does get better.

Like any old wound, when the covering is removed it hurts. The longer the original dressing (often silence and/or denial) is on the wound the more it hurts to expose the old wound.

I know that hollow pit feeling, I felt for a long time like someone scooped a large piece of my soul away. I learned a powerful truth about empty places, I could fill them with healthy growth or keep it as a graveyard, it was my choice. In recovery there are two states, just as in nature: mitosis (growth) or atrophy (decay). Nothing in nature remains static, and neither should we.

You are not alone. Please continue in your growth, my brother.
 
I stared writing everything do and I found it to be very troublesome the list of things that I was put through and the things I have done was too much to bare i tried email journal with therapist but it wasn't working. I guess keeping a journal may be right for some and not for others. If you can journal I think it is great tool to assist in recovery.
 
Just remember that you have a lot to offer the world. You may never fully get over your pain, but you can use it to help others. When you're feeling more stable, maybe volunteer at a youth center and help other kids.
 
Thanks It is a tragedy that we went threw this... but I can see the light on the end of the tunnel
now I just need some guidance... thanks again..
 
Last edited by a moderator:
zip14 said:
Thank you for sharing this. I can relate to much of what you have posted here. I dealt with it by boxing it up and tucking it away on a shelf for 40+ years. Not easy once we open the box.

Good for you that you have been able to get to therapy.

I think you feel death inside bc like me, part of you died as a child. Innocence, trust maybe? I might just try the journal idea. Thanks.
Thanks Zip... I needed to hear that someone out there had a similar experience..
Click to expand...
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top