Why do I destroy things I love?

[GT13568]

Sometimes when I get angry i feel powerless and I get into a rage where I want to destroy something. Most often the thing I pick has huge sentimental value to me. I never hurt anyone, I never wreck anyone elses things and I only act this way once I am alone, after whatever the problem was.

I feel like I did when I was a kid, all sullen, like I'm saying to my dad, "Well I'll show you! Your gonna do this to me then I'll crush this thing that you don't care about but that I love to prove how much I don't care what you do to me!" But no one is there to hear because I'm alone and whoever triggered me wasn't really doing anything to me, they just happened upon one of the many landmines buried inside me.

Can anyone relate to this?

Why do I make myself feel bad in that way? Why do I recreate that feeling of loss from childhood? Why must I punish myself when self love is what I need?

 

[manipulated]

GT

I only allowed myself to "feel" anger for over forty decades. I still refer often to my "feeling list" to figure out how I am feeling because some days anger is the only emotion still that registers without thinking about it if that makes any sense.

Being here has helped. Realizing I am not alone (which in and of itself is silly I was forced to watch the perp with others) has helped and even having the abuse burst through my denial of 45 years has helped me flush a lot of the anger out. But for me the biggest stop on the anger and the need to destroy something has come since I started therapy.

Accepting that my anger was self punishment for "allowing" or "encouraging" the perp (yeah I was 11 he was 40-5), Accepting I was and am a victim of his lust not my weakness and finally accepting I AM worthy of something more than self loathing and pain has helped the anger dissipate. Not thriving here yet by a long shot but not self punishing now for a while. Hope you find the truth that anger hides so well also.

 

[LinEar]

I can relate.

I'm not sure that there's one simple "reason" why we feel this way sometimes, but I see it as another way to express our feelings of shame through self-punishment. Different from an addiction, but similar in that it can be an outlet for overriding shame or to reinforce the feelings of (undeserved) "badness."

 

[KL]

"Well I'll show you!"

(((((GT))))))

Totally get it. I sometimes think what I destroy are not only my things, but myself, my relationships, my friends, my career, my life....my happiness.

I've given up everything in the past, two or three apartments full of stuff - given them away - sold them - threw them away. They weighed me down. I have no physical objects from my past. All gone. Very little remains. When people ask, I say, "I'm a minimalist." Sadly, same with people...weight.

Isolation is the only way not to feel pain.
Less people = Less hurt.
Less stuff = Less responsibility, less reminders

I too, wish I could stop the self-destructive patterns. To let me "just be". To stop the destroyer.

The bridges are all but almost burned. And the boats near the shore have been purposely sunk.

I feel like a phony when I give encouragement or advice sometimes...don't know what to say in this particular situation, so hopefully my ability to relate will be enough. You're not alone. Try to stay calm. ((((GT)))) I feel for you with a survivor's empathy and love.

 

[GT13568]

Oh, KL thank you for the hug. You are a minimalist with a big heart.

 

[Tryingtolive]

This is very relatable

 

[KMCINVA]

GT13568

I can understand and relate to how you feel. The landmines of triggers--I know them all too well. Some out of the blue while others were methodically being planted and detonated--waiting for me to explode. I have learned, and it has been the hard way, one needs to get the past out, share it, scream it and do not let others lie about your story (I have corrected some but others not worth it). You need to release the past--and it is hard and I am still a work in progress. But once you start to release, accept it happened and more importantly accept it was not your fault, the triggers are not as intense nor controlling. Then and this is hard, learning new coping mechanisms so as not to self abuse or view yourself as worthless. I was a master of dissociation, my coping mechanism that evolved from childhood, it protected me from the emotional hurt and pain. But it was not healthy--the fragmented part of me took control and this part felt special, loved by the abuse. As someone said, why wouldn't it of, I abandoned this part of me while others around me spat on me, abandoned me while sick and rebuffed cries for help, locked me in a room and so on. That fragmented part saw those doing this for who they truly were and not the persona they told everyone they were. Now I take deep breaths, I force myself to do affirmations (if in a group I do them in my head and if alone I say them out loud), I write and share. I am not longer ashamed to cry-I have done it in front of people when the pain is too great--it feels good in the end and I have no guilt. I write letters to people who have heard the false stories but will most likely not mail, I wrote and mailed a letter to my abuser and signed it with his despicable nickname (he will know it is I, if I was the only he gave this name to),I am writing my story which one day I will share in blog, open letter to editor or forum, where ever I can post or publish. I think every survivors story of the abuse, how they are triggered and how they were treated when disclosed is important to the world--maybe society and individuals will accept the survivor needs encouragement, support and love.

There are many ways--I could not see them as I was drowning in the memories and flashbacks of the abuse. I know for sure one person I was destroying--was myself. I loved a part of me and hated another part of me. I was self abusive--trying to destroy the part I hated but at the same time I was destroying the part of me that I loved.

Please take a step, take an inventory of your life--list your good qualities, your dreams and the people who support you. Focus on these as you struggle to let go of what your father did to you--and I am sorry you had to live through such an ordeal.

You said something very important--recreate the loss from childhood. Every survivor lost something during the abuse--for most it was the loss of childhood. The second we were abused our childhood was taken-we were forced into an adult world of sex. We could not comprehend these acts. I am finally mourning the loss of my childhood, grieving for what was lost and for the child within that suffered because of the abuse and my need to protect the most of me from the memories of the abuse. It has taken me a long time to get here--I had many roadblocks from people who worked hard to make sure I did not hear--selfish on their part because as I heal and become stronger I am no longer afraid to talk of the abuse, the dissociation, the hospitalization and the triggers they inflicted. They do not want the world to know the truth. You know the truth you lived it and let it go.

Sorry for the rambling, but you are a good person and this healing process is difficult and pitied with "landmines", triggers, self doubt, self abuse and self loathing. Only once we begin to see ourselves differently can we change and embrace life. I am no expert just someone struggling and seeing hope. I have great hopes for you.

Kevin

 

[GT13568]

Thank you guys. Your support means a lot.

I think your feeling list sounds very helpful, Manipulated. I recently re started therapy and am having great success. I am so glad. That I am able to ask this question out loud here, to even recognize what is the problem i take as evidence of my progress in therapy.

Thanks for sharing your thoughts LinEar. I am beginning to see the amount of self punishment goes into each day for me. My T suggested that each time i criticize myself i stop and praise me.

((((KL)))) almost three years ago i moved from the city of my birth to a small town three hours away. a few months ago i deactivated my facebook account. i pretty much avoid contact with my old friends. in isolation i am learning to take care of myself. but isolation is lonely. i am trying to come out of it. thanks for reaching out and helping me.

Tryingtolive i read many of your posts and completely relate, too. It's like a light goes off in my head and i see there are people like me who are around me. Yay.

Kevin thank you so much. Your writing is so rich.

Please take a step, take an inventory of your life--list your good qualities, your dreams and the people who support you. Focus on these...

Yes. I should tattoo that somewhere so i can always find it.

Best to all,

Geoff

 

[14by10]

I can relate. Although I have not destroyed any physical I have destroyed relationships. I have been a terrible husband, I have treated my wife abominably, I have been an untrustworthy person.

When I read about some of the consequences of CSA which I see in myself I see the reasons but somehow it feels inadequate. It feels like these are just excuses and I should be able to be a better person than I have been.

I have started work on it and I am thankful than my wife, despite my multiple shortcomings, still supports me and is willing to work with me.