why do I always cry

why do I always cry
B

bosishere

Registrant
hello guys. I haven't posted here for several months - my health continues to go down hill, but I went to the gay pages first, and tomorrow will delal with some of the straight posts, but I am asking a question I have asked at the support group I go to each week. I have been going there for two and one/half years. I am the only group member that has been their for that long, but from what I went throught in 1990 some of my mental problems are messed up or agriated be the sexual abuse that I received in 1949 and for six months in 1951 when I was in a hospital, I was only seven. The group all knows that I was struck by a NYC subway train in 1990, in a coma for 98 days and a hell of a lot changed and continues to change. I have four parts of the brain that is damaged, but most is the frontal lobe - forehead, and the middle ear - ones control of balance, and that is why I get around in a wheelchair. I have been told, and they are right, in 1990 I could walk with only a cane, that the "problems" would continue to get worse. What my question today is and it has been to the group I am in for several months is WHY DO I ALWAYS HAVE A TERRIBLE EMOTIONAL BREAKDOWN WHEN I SEE YOUNG BOYS, in a church, on the street, or even on TV. I can't control the crying, and along with that, I yell, stamp my left foot - why only one, I do not know - but my right side was badly hit and hurt by the subway train - and the sad emotions last for several minutes, or I get up and go out of the room to get away from the
tv or hide my face so I don't see little boys just walking buy me to get to where the want to go. I finally got a new shrink and my first visit with him I was told is the last week of this month, and my first visit will last TWO HOURS. Several shrinks have taken my HMO and as I am sure you all know, going to a shrink is not cheap, so I thankful for the insurance. My primary doctor even put on paper that my case was very "COMPLEX" and as my counselor told me yesterday, "I don't think there is TOO MUCH WRITING about a male that was sexual abused as a little boy, and then struck by a subway train while he was in is late 40s." Any help, comments or whatever you guys can give will be welcome, and thanks. bosishere :confused: :confused:
 
Hi Bosishere:
You wrote:
WHY DO I ALWAYS HAVE A TERRIBLE EMOTIONAL BREAKDOWN WHEN I SEE YOUNG BOYS, in a church, on the street, or even on TV. I can't control the crying, and along with that, I yell, stamp my left foot - why only one, I do not know - but my right side was badly hit and hurt by the subway train - and the sad emotions last for several minutes, or I get up and go out of the room to get away from the tv or hide my face so I don't see little boys just walking buy me to get to where the want to go.
Click to expand...
Just a guess on my part, but I think you relate or identify with the innocent, young boy who you were when or before you were abused. Perhaps you grieve for the lost boy in yourself. Hopefully you will find peace and joy in the boys you see who have not had the bad experiences you have had.
May they be an inspiration to your healing.

Ken
 
Bosishere, I think you are probably right, there are not too many people who have been SA AND hit by a subway train!
Although, I have been close. I have been SA and ALMOST hit by a subway train. I was SA as an adolescent, and before that when I was in NYC, I stepped off the platform (and almost fell in front of a train), I remember loosing my shoe and being very frightened.
I am very sorry for your pain. Not having control of my emotions is a difficult and painful thing, and I have only been facing this for a few short months.
My thoughts and prayers go out to you my friend!
Ed
 
Bosishere I have to go with Ken on his post. I think you are crying for that you see what you once where in the children. I think you cry because you are either sad that you never got to have that great childhood or because you worried that something could happen to that child that you are looking at. What do the guys in your support group say? What does your T say about it?
 
Bosishere
When I leave work each day I drive past a local primary school ( kids up to 11yo ) and the mothers are there collecting the kids who are carrying their paintings and models proudly to take home and show their dads, it's a great sight.
And it never fails to move me, sometimes to tears.

I love to see the happy kids, and I hope with all my heart that they never get to know the things we do.

I cry for my lost childhood and the opportunities since, and also for the indescribable pleasure of seeing a genuine smile on a kids face.

Dave
 
Bosisphere,

I will often be moved to tears when I see a little boy being lovingly held and interacted with by his dad. I believe it is my own inner child getting activated and reminded of his incredible father hunger. My dad was abusive, but on occasion, he was nice. In some ways that makes it all the more difficult. Like having had some crumbs of something you really need and want, then being slapped around--verbally, physically, emotionally, and sexually. What a recipe for want that creates!

Rick
 
Bosishere,

After the birth of my oldest daughter I was such a happy man. I love both of my daughters very much and we have a great relationship.

I remember that one time when she was around 1 or 2 years old that we had company over for dinner and a movie. They had rented the movie, "Sophie's Choice". I knew nothing about this movie and was looking forward to a nice evening of dinner and movie entertainment with friends.

I recall a scene in the movie where she (Meryl Streep who played the role of Sophie) and her husband and two children (a boy and a girl) were in Germany and were captured and being taken to a Nazi Concentration Camp. They would not allow her to keep both of her children with her. At this point in the movie I felt myself becoming very uncomfortable.

They were forcing her to give up one of the children. I started to become emotionally upset. The depiction of this scene was horrific! The crying, the screaming, the terror were all so very well portrayed and felt so real. I began to feel the terror that Sophie must have felt. I started to become very vocal, in spite of my guests being present. I started to shout, "I don't like this kind of story! This is a horrible movie. Why are we watching this!" Everyone was looking at me like I was crazy. I was looking at them like they must be crazy to think this could pass for entertainment.

Then, Sophie shouted (rather screamed in agony) "My girl! Take my girl!"

I LOST IT! I jumped to my feet, and I was screaming, "NOOOO!" I picked up a pillow from the couch and threw it as hard as I could on the floor in front of me. I said, "I HATE THIS!!!"

I walked out of the room and I kept on walking, right out the front door. I was crying and screaming, how could they have made her give up her daughter? I would kill anyone who tried to do that! They would have to make sure that I was totally dead before I would let anyone harm MY LITTLE GIRL!"

Then I realized what had just happened to me. I had become so upset because I was seeing something depicted that was near and dear to my heart. As a father of a little girl, I could relate to Sophie's love for both of her children. I understood that what the title of the movie ("Sophie's Choice") stood for was the choice she had been forced to make. Whether to give up her son or her daughter. Sophie never recovered from the horror of that decision. How could anyone ever recover? I could not if it were me. Ultimately, she ended up taking her life.

For a long time, any time I saw something that related to my being a father of little girls, I could cry. Every time I think about that movie I cry. When I see other movies with little girls who are suffering I cry.

I think maybe we are projecting our own selves into those we see. I see children and think about their parents. I think to myself, "I hope these children are loved by their parents as much as I love my children." Then I start to cry.

I am afraid I am rambling, now. I just wanted to share that I could understand a little bit about why you might cry whenever you see little children, especially little boys. I think that sometimes I need to be a parent to my own self as a child and I cry because I was so hurt and suffered so much. Even though, at the time, I did not know sometimes I was suffering. I think that as an adult we feel the suffering of humans, especially of children, much more. I guess I am thankful for that. I can't stand the thought of the suffering of anyone, much less of innocent little children.

Take care of your little one, Bosishere, especially of little "Bosishere" inside of you. You are his parent, and you love him, and he loves you, AND YOU ARE BOTH VERY HAPPY, NOW! Our tears and sorrows have to turn into laughter and rejoicing so that we can go on to help others laugh and rejoice, too!

Sincerely, Jess.
 
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