"Why can't you see?"

"Why can't you see?"
R

roadrunner

Registrant
Brothers,

A thread started today by Ste on the other side got me thinking about something, and maybe it would help us if we can talk about this in an open forum.

One of my most vivid memories from my abuse days is of my confusion over how no one could see what was happening to me. I felt so obvious: like I had a sign on me saying what the abuser was doing to me. I was mortified whenever I had to go to the doctor (which was frequently because of my asthma), for fear that he would notice something and figure me out.

But none of this ever happened. My mother remembers me coming into the house and running upstairs and my door slamming, but it was the early 1960s and she thought it was a mood I was in. She remembers me trembling and "looking remote" (dissociating?) and not wanting to be touched, but thought nothing further about it. My sister remembers me acting funny but didn't think much of it. The doctor never saw a thing!

This drove me crazy. I felt like I was walking around in a world of robots and thought maybe I was the one who wasn't real. Every day I dreaded the possibility that I would be discovered, but at the same time I was silently screaming "Why can't you see??!!" I would sit with my sister Cathie (the Rock!) and struggle to get words - something - out, but nothing would come. We would sit there and look at each other, and finally she would decide okay he's weirding out again so it's time to joke around and start him giggling, which she was an expert at.

This was a big deal for me because it made me feel even more alone, isolated from the rest of the family, abandoned to abuse, and finally, dependent on the abuser. I don't blame my family at all now - CSA just wasn't on people's radar back then. But it is something that still troubles me at some level or another.

I just thought I would ask how other guys feel about this.

Much love,
Larry
 
Some of what happened to me happened right in the room next to everyone else at night. We were not allowed to sleep with our doors closed to our rooms so it wasn't like there was much privacy. And even though I'm sure you could make a case that everyone might have been fallling asleep, I don't know how any of my family members could be unaware of what was going on. It just doesn't seem plausible now to me although somehow when I was younger, I felt no one knew. I guess if someone doesn't want to acknowledge what is going on, it is easy to hide from it but I still believe other members of my family knew what was going on.

Don
 
This is what I wrote on the member side.
Larry,

hope it is appropriate to your thread.

---------------------------------------

Link
 
Larry - think back - for me it was the late 1960s. The media was not anything like we have now, so I believe there was a lot of ignorance around about child abuse.

I remember as a child thinking that murders only ever happened in London, and nowhere else in the British Isles (UK). London seemed so far away, so I felt very safe in the North.

Monsters were something that lived under your bed, but they only came for you if you didn't go to sleep (courtesy of kids at school).

After I was abused I also used to think that I had a big sign over my head telling everyone about it! I still sometimes do - now that I've told people, it's more like I'm wearing the t-shirt!

After I was abused, I changed from a straight 'A' pupil, to someone that hardly cared & just did enough to achieve a pass grade. Instead of being the class 'prime example', I became the class drop out, growing my hair extremely long & ignoring school uniform... some people thought I was in the 6th form (3/4 years older) because they were the only ones that could sometimes get away with looking the way I did. It's obvious with hindsight that everyone thought I was just extremely hormonal - no one ever asked!

I think that kids and parents now are more aware, but paedophiles being the manipulative ******** that they are, means that there will still continue to be new victims.

I am pleased that you do not blame your family for their ignorance - there is only one place to lay the blame...that is with the perverted ******* that did those things to you!

Until I told people (not that long ago), a lot of people new that there was something different about me, but they didn't know what. When I told, it was like they all managed to put the last piece in a jigsaw!

Best wishes...Rik
 
Larry,

I remember the feeling of being amongst robots immensely. How do you talk to someone that is just a robot. Robots can't understand feelings. One of the worst experiences for a survivor is when he or she feels unable to vent and then is verbally paralyzed. Next thing you know, you feel like you are weirding the other person out. we also feel we can't blame them for feeling that way. Well, I can understand what you said when you said you didn't blame your family because they didn't know to look for signs. My family was still responsible for being there for me and protecting me and they didn't. I can't say that myself as a parent would have done better if I didn't know then what I know now. However, my family didn't know what to do and they shut down on me but that does not get grant them immunity to what happened. My mom could have been more respectful and treated me like I was a person instead of a nuisance or a little punk. But the bottom line is,whether she knew or not, my family let this happen to me, and they didn't help me to heal from it as I was growing up. Now they help me somewhat but those years I've lost are irreplaceable as you and everyone else in this forum know. I've learned that there are others I resent besides the abuser. The ones who were supposed to protect me failed! No one's perfect, but that is crucial in ones wellbeing as you know.

Its awful how much we assisted in the silence that kept the abuse going when we were kids. Those bastards trained us good. I hope when its my time to have a child, I'll know what to look for.
 
Just know that you don't weird me out! Good luck with that one! That one hurts, I know

Jason
 
Larry - I wrote this on the member side a week ago - after reading all of this thread I felt it belonged here as well - I hope it's appropriate here... - ignoring the problem is no little thing and many of us have suffered a good lot of years because others ignored our hurts...

durring the worst of the years of physical abuse by my mom I can vaugly remember 3 of my neighbors who I know knew what was going on and yet did nothing to stop it - there was the neighbor behind the folks house - I have a few memories of him talking to me of how I screamed so much when mom was beating on me and I'd just simply terll him I'd been bad and deserved it - I can remember the elderly lady down the hill from the folks house who said to me more than once that she was sorry mom beat on me so much - there was even the neighbor across the street who said to me that he could hear what was going on from clear over there - and yet none of these people ever did anythign to bring a stop to it - not once did they even try... not once! - and even though I told them that I'd been bad and that I deserved it - I really do belive that they knew me better than that - I did work for all of them neighbors - they all knew the real me - the quiet, respectable kid - how could they believe that I was such a bad kid at home when I was so good around them??? - did they just not care? - I know it was the late 70's - early 80's and people did'nt stick their noses into others affairs so much in those days - but when you can hear a kid screaming from clear across the street are you just gonna sit there and do nothing???
Click to expand...
 
Thanks guys. I have been thinking about this more, and I wonder if this is Little Larry fearing that all this recovery business will fall apart and end with him feeling alone again.

Wow. That was VERY hard to write!

Much love,
Larry
 
Larry - "It will not fall apart" - you are far too strong for that to happen. I can tell from what you write and share here!

Sometimes you will feel good, sometimes not so good...that's a fairly natural state of affairs.

In the midst of a very difficult battle, you can feel very much alone, no matter how much support you have. Come the dawn, you can view the devastation of the battle, and as the sun rises again, you can begin to feel alive and know that although the battle has scarred you, you are very much alive!

Larry - there is a life just waiting for all of us to live.

I can feel it in my bones now... I am ready! Let's all live and enjoy life, for that is the best revenge we can ever have!

Best wishes ....Rik (remember that toast 17th & 18th).
 
Originally posted by RICK57:
Larry - "It will not fall apart" - you are far too strong for that to happen.
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Sorry to divert this thread, but this is something I think deserves attention as well.

People have said things to me like the quote above (not to pick on you, Rick or Larry) and there are times I just want to turn around and scream at them. People present an appearance of strength for others. It's not readily apparent whether or not that strength is a facade or if it's real.

Strength is a finite commodity as well. One can only do so much, can only absorb so much punishment or support others so much before that strength runs out. I'm at that place now, and when people tell me I'm too strong to let 'this get me down'...

Dammit, I'm not that strong. I hurt too, and I'm not your f'n whipping post.

I'll quit before I really get going.
 
Dewey,

I'm glad you spoke up about how you feel. Why not use your post to start a new thread? I think it would be worthwhile. I don't think I have ever seen a thread take up the dynamics of how we try to encourage one another.

Much love,
Larry
 
Dewey - I appreciate where you are coming from with your comments.

I have often thought that I am very weak, whilst many tell me that I am not. I have spent the last 16 months not knowing whether I had the strength to finally face my main demon (the time between making a statement to the police and facing the abuser in court) - I have been through a whole range of feelings within the last 36 years since the abuse. I never once believed that I was strong for a very long time.

When my Mother died, my sister told me that it was because I was so strong that she and my brother got through it easier. I was actually screaming inside, but had vowed at 12 years of age never to show my hurt again to anyone. I had only slipped once when my dog died when I was 19.

So I don't know if I am strong / weak / stupid or whatever at times.

What I do know is that because people told me I was strong, I either became strong, or began to recognise an inner strength within myself.

Sometimes I have hurt written all over my face, that does not mean I am weak - it means I hurt!

Larry recently offered me a lot of support prior to my court case - my post is really a thank you to Larry & hopefully will offer some inspiration to him for the future.

We all hurt, no matter how strong or weak we are. I think that anyone that posts here must have some strength of character. To actually question my post shows strength - and I thank you for your comments. *I also do not take them personally!

I try to instil positiveness in everyone here - if that means that I overstep the mark sometimes, then I cannot apologise for trying to lift people up!

My 'strength' achieved a guilty verdict from the individual that abused me as recently as 23rd January this year - sentencing next Friday! I was told that I was very strong by numerous people on that day! I felt nothing! It just felt like I was still breathing after a very arduous battle - is that strong? Everyone else thought so - I think that this time I must believe them!

Best wishes and thanks for challenging my comments...Rik
 
Getting back to your original thread Larry, I can remember having the guilt and fear that I WOULD be caught whilst my older brother was abusing me. I tried my damnedest to be quiet when my folks were home (which was often).

I guess my main fear came from the first time they caught my brother doing things to me. We were BOTH blamed, told off and threatened that our genitals would be cut off if either of us were ever caught doing that again. Kind of put a big incentive in front of me to ensure that they werent aware of anything going on.
 
Grunty,

I guess that highlights the huge element of confusion in all this for a boy. As I wrote above I kept wondering why no one noticed and it tore me up that they didn't see what was happening to me.

But at the same time my life was more or less devoted to covering everything up: disposing of underwear, perfect excuses all prepared, trying to cry only when I knew everyone was asleep or occupied somewhere else - the ultimate chamelion.

I was absolutely terrified of the single most important thing that could have happened and which I also desperately wanted: discovery.

I have no idea if this will make any sense.

Much love,
Larry
 
Larry, absolutely yes it does make sense and I feel your hearts' angst as a child and even now as you recall that.

Give little Larry a hug for me.
 
I've been teaching a class of Junior High kids at church for about 11 or 12 years. There was a girl in my class who was being sexually abused by her step father. But I did not know. Could I have known? Should I have known? She was very, and I do mean very quiet and withdrawn. I can't remember hearing her laugh or seeing her smile. I suspected something, and asked the lady who assisted me to talk to her but that didn't go over very well. I can't help but feel that I let this child down. I found out about the abuse a couple of weeks ago when her step father was killed in an auto accident.

Darrel
 
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