Why can't I get through it?

Why can't I get through it?
E

ernie

A month ago I finally fessed up to all that happened to me including telling my wife the truth about my acting out, being raped etc. She had known some of the truth but not all since I feared she would not believe it. Besides that, I couldn't get the words out.
Finally after a heated conversation, I said you want it all, here it is and dumped it all. Turned out we had a councilling session within the next few days and she decided she "needed time to think" two months would be good. With this being said, I proceeded to tell my T all the rest of the details that I too did not disclose to him.
It was an extremely emotional session, could not control my emotions. He suggested that I write it all down, from the beginning at age 5 to my acting out. I struggled at this machine for days, writing, cry, correcting, cry, backspace, cry. Finally two nights ago I finished my writing.
I felt good yesterday morning, confident that I could get through it. I had told my wife previously that I felt confident I could get through it OK in the hopes that we could start couples councilling again.
Well, when the time came to start reading, deep breath taken, I couldn't get the words out of my mouth. I started to cry, my hand was shaking etc. I finally got through the first episode of abuse at age 5, the T asked me to read it again, it was a bit easier, then again, this time all I could say at the end was I was only a child and could not stop crying.
I proceeded to the second episode at age 12, same deal, could not stop crying.
Why can't I get through this, how long does it really take. I know I feel alot better, I have my self confidence back. I am not letting the SA dominate my life, it has robbed me long enough from the people I love, from the things I love to do.
Any ideas?
Bob
 
ernie,

If this is the first time ever that your are writing about it formally, it is probably the first time your are reliving it in every detail, sequentially with crystal clear focus.

Is it really any wonder that you can't get through it without faltering?

It is never more alive than in written form. Even though these memories live within, in written form the words give power to the actions bringing to life their significance. It is only natural that your feelings would surge. Also, before writing it down, you merely relived your memories of the abuse as a "rerun" in your own head. Reading it scripted with witnesses present gives a fresh tilt on it, and this is perhaps overpowering to say the least.

BUT, do this we must! Our perspective changes on the other side of silence and perfidy. We come out free to have a new perspective; free to develop and expand the dimensions of our characters without the walls.

This is a painful experience but don't falter brother because if you don't take the risk and begin to put it behind you, then you'll always have it right there in front of you. I'd rather be in front of it than it be in front of me. Behind me it does not have the ferocity. Behind me it can't control my path. Yes, it still follows, but it is following my lead; I am no longer taking my cues from it.

Remember, that when you go through any of this that we are right there with you, much more powerful than you are alone.

I hope what I written helps, but if it does not, then I am sure that many of the other someones here will provide valuable insight.

Blessings,

Ron
 
Dear Ernie,

If this is any consulation, it took me months to write and to read it out loud to my T. I am like you that there was a lot of faltering and crying when I tried to read it and write. It did help get some control on the flashbacks and nightmares.

I have finally shared it with my wife and my younger brother. Not all the horrible details, but enough information that they have an understanding of what happened to me. What your going through is tough but it does seem to bring some sense of relief and understanding for me why I do the things I do. Why I am uncomfortable in meeting new people or shaking hands or why I startle from surprises.

Keep working at it and I hope you will feel some relief soon. I keep telling myself it is like a death of someone I know but I have to go through all the stages to get some peace or comfort.

Chuck
 
Bob, you touch me deeply, as I read your words and imagine what is happening. There does seem to be some positives for you though.

When we write out our story, as you are doing, we are not writing history, we are being our little boy or young man who was harmed. We feel it again. In a sense we experience it again. Not as violently, but still very really. At least I did.

Sometimes, we write just the bare details. Sometimes, that is all we can do. Later, with more strength and more memory, we write with more detail. It is a real trick, here, for us to not be what is called re-traumatized.

I think we would have to have a break with reality, not to cry, not to feel great fear, not to feel tortured again. Remember, it was an atrocity. That is not like writing a school paper about what I did during the summer.

Writing our stories is a very painful thing. So, we do it at the pace we can do it. Once done, I felt like I was emotionally naked for all the world to take advantage of me. I was as afraid to let anyone read it as you could imagine.

Once I published my story, I felt a certain freedom and even pride. I felt that I had exposed the guy for who he really was and not for who everyone thought he was.

I have gone on and added to the memories and made a little log of my recovery. The story is more honest today. But guess what! I am really hesitant to put it out for all to read. Reason? Because I let people see ME as I really am, and I am afraid they might not like or respect me then.

Story writting is healing and freeing. But it is not fun, and I think we need to use caution in the process. I also think it helps to determine, who it is, that you are writting it for--yourself, you and your T, you and your family, you and the guys on the forum? In a sense, when we share it on the forum, it is after all on the www. I guess that means it is open for all to read.

I was writting only for myself, so I was open and honest. But, then I thought that my T should read it and it was hard to decide if I should edit or not. I didn't. I found that writting it for myself and sharing it with no one, became more than I could handle--so I had to let someone read it. I am not sorry for that, but I do feel really vulnerable.

Take your time Bob. But get all the support you can as you write, even if you had never intended to have anyone see it. Writing the story is the task. It can be freeing and healing. Deciding who we will share it with is a whole other thing.

You are doing well Bob. I wish you the good feelings that can come from all the energy you are pouring into it. You honor us to share your pain and fear with us.

Bob
 
Hello, Bob,

I know I feel alot better, I have my self confidence back. I am not letting the SA dominate my life, it has robbed me long enough from the people I love, from the things I love to do.
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Your sincerity and honest desire to recover from the effects of the SA are so powerfully evident in what you have written us.

I have to tell you how much I admire your courage and strength of character. And also how much I grieve for you all that has been taken from you.

You have done an excellent job at assembling a team of trustworthy people to help you do this most difficult task.

Focus on the feelings that you describe in the quote above. The self-confidence and the determination to stop allowing this crime against you to cripple you.

Since you've done such a heroic job of preparing the support, writing out your story, telling it to another trusted person, I want to suggest to you that you can rest a little and let all the forces for good you have called upon do their work.

There is a time to work; and there is a time to rest. They are equally important. Equally.

It has been hard for me to slow down or even temporarily stop the process of discovery and recounting the reality of the sexual abuse in my life.

I think to stop or even consider taking a pause, is too scarily reminiscent of all the years I spent in denial; not daring to be open to anyone about being molested and abused. Yet having to live alone with all the pain and sorrow.

You are already past that, most difficult part, my friend. You never have to live alone with this again. You have done what few men are able or willing to do in your position. Most of us, I suspect, go on living lives of pain and bitterness, acting out our abuse in many destructive ways.

But you have chosen the path less travelled. That is a remarkable testament to your own strength. Celebrate that fact about yourself.

I'm so sorry that you had to realize it in such a painful way, but I am very glad that you are coming to see what an incredible man you are.

One final thought from me. At the very beginning of my voyage into the dark secrets of my past, I was writing out a type of inventory or listing of all the different sexual encounters I had ever had not really knowing yet about the SA, but as part of a program to help me stay abstinent from drugs and alcohol.

It wasn't easy to do! I was very thorough and it took a long time and it made me feel so sad, so unhappy with my own life history that one night I simply couldn't go on. It was too much and I was ready to just melt down.

My spiritual adviser at the time simply said, "well then stop. We will always have time to go back and do this together some more if you want." So I did stop. Put it down and tried not to obsess about it for a week or so.

I think that knowing that there would always be time for me to work on it and that there would always be enough help and resources to get me through it, gave me the confidence to put it down and also the willingness to pick it up again.

Which I did. Pick it up again. To my surprise, the second stage was remarkably less difficult. Still no day at the beach; but so much less painful and stressful.

What I believe is that I had heroically struggled, because I was ready to have these unwanted feelings taken away. I had struggled and fought and finally made it to the top of the hill. That's when I had collpsed and said I can't go on.

That's when I was given permission to rest. After the rest, I feared that I still had to keep climbing that steep hill.

Instead what I found was that I had scaled the peak and that the rest of it was more like an exciting downhill ride.

I hope this will be true for you too. Remember none of us are alone in this deal. God is in there with us, and if the idea of God doesn't work for you then just imagine a big group of us strong, determined guys being right there with you to cheer you on, support and protect you.

How long will it take? I've decided for me that it will take the rest of my life to keep growing and learning.

How long will it hurt like this? I believe that it will never hurt as much as it does now. That I and you have suffered the worst, and that it and we only get better now.

Thank you sharing this with me today. You have helped me so much. I'm in a resting period now and needed to be reminded of how important it is.

Wishing you peace and comfort,

Your brother in the struggle,
 
Bob
the power of the written is awesome, writers from Shakespeare to Tom Clancy know this, the words on a page are there in real life. I always print important stuff so that I can feel the paper in my hands, the words become more intimate to me, I can screw the paper up and hurl it into the bin - take it out, flatten it and start again.
It's a tactile experience for me, and oddly enough one that I've experienced streongly tonight when I rediscovered something and re-read it.

I write everything on this computer, and save it to CD, but I have also saved every version. If I go back and alter something I save it as "my diary 1" and then "my diary 2". That way I don't lose that initial raw emotion that makes me write, and I get to see how I change if I do edit something.

All my writing I show my wife, and the early stuff my therapist as well, some I've shown my best friend.
It's been a wonderful way for me to give them my true feelings, emotions, fears and hopes.
I can do it now with conversation to a bigger degree than I could when I started, but on paper there are no interuptions, no two way interaction. The reader just reads, in the same way we as writers just sat there and wrote.
What takes us hours to put into words on the screen and ends up as four or five pages of print would take so long to say.

And I always found that the discussions that follow are so good, strong maybe - and not always easy for anyone to deal with. But we don't have the options of keeping quiet or back-peddaling when we believe we're in the shit. On paper it's up front where it should be, and the reader can also sense that and treat what we've written more seriously, trust us more and respect us for our honesty and trust in them.

Keep writing, it's a saviour.

Dave
 
Bob - WHY CAN'T I GET THROUGH THIS? Good question! Though, you did get through the writing and sharing it with your therapist! If you mean because you cried - it's what our bodies do. When the stress of painful hurts are felt, then we cry. Think of a small boy falling and skinning his knee. He gets up, wimpers, holds his injury, walks several blocks to his house...he sees mom (safety, caring)...thereupon he begins to cry, re-experiencing the hurt and stress as if he just fell down.

Many of us never really cried, never felt the deep stresses of our perp...held it in until we re-experienced it in the safety of our adult homes, our T's office. Re-experienced the black and white reality of what axctually did take place in our abuse in detail. Crying, Bob, is real and "normal" and human...you know what I mean. I think you are getting through this one step at a time.

Crying's okay - holding it in isn't!! Stock up on the tissues! Let your hurts out!

Howard
 
Thank all of you,your words are as usual from the heart and very much appreciated. There are so many peaks and valleys thank God the peaks are more than the valleys now.
Though I know there is no age limitation to realizing you were abused, the hardest part was realizing after I did my reading how really very young I was when the first incident occured (5). To have held this information in for so long, I am 58 is incredible.
Thank you again my friends for being here
Bob
 
((((((((((((ERNIE)))))))))))))))))

Same reason I can't just "get over it" we never "just get over it" STop telling yourself that you will. You know you got brothers here, at MS, even closer that all that....nothing I can say will help you. Just remember that "Cherry Garcia" helps some....enjoy it more often.

LYLAB

Orodo
 
A weeks vacation has given me alot of time to think, to ponder, and be grateful. Grateful for how far I have come in my journey in understanding
SA. This could not have been done without the help of my wife, my children and everyone here. I hope now, that I can get through the reading of all that has happened and practice what I preach that there is life after SA, it does not have to dominate my life. I will have my opportunity next week with my T.
My down time allowed me to focus on me, on the things that I can now enjoy that I was afraid to before. I am not afraid to make male friends, I can enjoy their companionship and not worry about any other motive they may have other than friendship. I realize the loss I have had for so many years by having this fear of making close friends and keeping the relationship going. I had the fear that "if they found out" what would they think of me, would they think I am weird? would they try to take advantage? I don't have these fears any longer and my time away allowed me to meet many new fine people and enjoy myself without fear.
I am going to get through reading my history, I am going to stop dwelling on the past, I can, I have and I will be better. I know it will always be there (the SA that is) but if I stay focused on the now, on the future, I can help others to try to get on with their lives also.
The people I have hurt along my journey probably will never understand what a journey it is from the time you were first abused at age 4 until you recall all of it at age 58. The fears you have of intimacy, of being touched without ill intent, withdrawal and fear of closeness. What a tremendous loss for me. I Hope everyone here can get to the point of "getting through it", so that life indeed can go on. It doesn't go away ever, but it can get better.
Bob
 
Bob:

Thank you for your report. You cannot believe how much your progress report helps others here. We read and realize that there is hope.

Isnt it nice to have a srong and loving family and support system
 
Ernie,

We both have much in common. I'm a year younger than you, and I was abused at ages four and ten.

Green
 
and look at you now Bob, you are all that.

LYLAB
LYAFNMW

Orodo
 
A month ago I finally fessed up to all that happened to me including telling my wife the truth about my acting out, being raped etc. She had known some of the truth but not all since I feared she would not believe it. Besides that, I couldn't get the words out.
Click to expand...
Bob - I am in the same place you were... I just told my girlfriend and that fear of not being believed is so strong. I'm really moved by your story of telling, breaking the silence (which everyone here is encouraging me to do as well) and there is inspiration for me in your story. If only just to know I am not alone. Thank you so much for your honesty and bravery.

-Sean
 
Sean, you are not alone. I have traveled far in my journey, I have met some unbelievable people along the way. Many of them without faces right now right here at this site. One with a face that has helped me be me. I wish I could turn back the clock and say this did not happen to me, I did not ask for it. But, unfortunately, it did, it happened to all of us. My wife of 35 years has given up on me, I have not given up on myself, my terrific family and especially my friends that have been there when I needed them the most. Not friends by convenience to be dropped like a hot coal but true friends that know what it is like to be alone. It may have taken me along time to get through it but, I did, and I did it alone until recently. I can go on and so can you, true friends stay with you no matter what, that is what I have recently found out, you can laugh, you can cry, you can fall off walls, you can even polka, they don't ask why, they don't judge, they don't critize. Hang in there, there is an incredible group of men right here that have been there, done that and indeed will survive, you can too.
 
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